Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear T,

Sometimes late at night is hard. Thoughts are multiplying. I meant to tell you but by the time our day comes there is always something else that takes priority. I want to tell you more but there is no time.

My eyes have been stinging all day with tears that can't/won't come. I don't know what to do, what to do with myself. I don't know why this is, how this is. It's just stuck there, behind my eyes, hurting. And I can't stop clenching my jaw, like the pressure from my eyes is pushing down on me. I want to scream. Stop breathing so loud, you're disturbing my silence. Leave me alone/don't go away. Don't tell me I was meant for it. That's such a horrible pathetic meaningless statement. I was meant for this torture then? Am I that worthless, that awful? Don't tell me I was meant for it. It's a horrible thing to say. I'm not that strong. I just am because if I'm not they will kill me.

I wish I knew how to make this feel okay. Or not okay. Or be able to share the feeling. Whatever the hell it is.

My head hurts.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T,

You know I've been struggling these last couple of weeks. You know where I ended up last week. I told you I'm okay now, but I'm not. I've been waiting to see you - longing so much to talk to someone who will really listen - but it's been a week and you have to reschedule our appointment (and I understand, these things happen). But now, left with my thoughts, I'm thinking of leaving all my care team members, including you. I don't want to keep going. I'm a hopeless case. And if I do want I want to do, I'll be letting all of you down. If I leave, none of you will be affected by my decision. Really, I've lost all hope, but I can't do anything about it right now because of my feelings of guilt around it affecting you. The others, I'm not so concerned about - they haven't known me so long or so deeply. I just don't know what my best course of action is. I will wait to hear from you about our rescheduled session and decide from there. I'm just not sure how long I can fight against myself.

I'm sorry I am so difficult to help. I feel like no care team in the world could help me. It's not your fault!!!

Cant wait to see you tomorrow.

Dear T, I was worried about our appt. today, since it was the first with my husband (and seeing you) since I confessed my attraction to you last week. But you were awesome and acted completely normal. You did a great job bringing up my request for a solo appt. and acted like you didn't know what it was for, which seemed to make my husband cool with agreeing to it. And of course, shaking your hand and looking into your eyes at the end gave me the same warm fuzzy feelings it always does...
Hope our Wed. solo appt. goes OK!

My life is an ocean, and therapy is an island. I have to swim and swim all week long, and I am exhausted. The waves keep washing over my head and I keep dragging myself to the surface. Only 36 hours to go, but it will go too fast and before I know it I will be trying to keep myself afloat again...

Dear T.
I think sometimes you are cruel & heartless. You tell me to get in touch with the child within me & find out what she needs. Ok, I've eventually done that, & she wants & needs you, but she can't have that. Well she can for the session time & no more. Well that's just pants! She's just been reminded that her needs were not met before & they ain't going to be met now either. So, WTF did you make me find out what she needed only to be denied yet again. Cruel & heartless.

Dear T

I miss you. I don't love you, I don't want to be your friend but I just miss talking to you. I don't need you so I won't do anything like call or email but I do like talking to you.

dear T

make the washer finish so i can go to bed so i dont cry aynmore. plz
me

Dear T,
I really hope nothing gets in the way of tomorrow, and I hope I can talk to you, and I hope you are not mad or overly distracted, and I hope I can show you the art I did and I hope I can hand over what I wrote and I hope you can help me get past these really big walls and the huge disconnect... (how's that for a run-on sentence?)
Shaking in her boots,
t.w.o.

Dear T (L),

Tomorrow I just want you to say it will all be OK (even though you don't know how things will go). Can you do that for me?

your client

dear t,

i am seeing you for the first time in 3 months today! i feel EVERYTHING. i am excited, anxious, nervous, panicky, scared, anticipating... i don't know what its gonna be like but i want it to go back to normal like it used to be.

i also want to say how scared i am of this life. i am being discharged tomorrow and i feel like a newborn baby entering the outside world. i am so vulnerable and fragile and needy.

but i'm looking forward to seeing you. a LOT.

Dear T,
You really frustrate me. We've been waiting for this single case agreement form and it turns out you've had it in your Inbox for about a month now and have done nothing with it. It took me reminding you about the case for you to remember that you had an email on it. And then you can actually say "Oh I signed the email, it was in my inbox and I called them and that's what they said I needed to do. I totally forgot about it." So we've been waiting for months for you to get paid properly. I guess you don't care since I'm only paying my copay and my insurance ran out in November. If it doesn't bother you that much I guess it shouldn't bother me. But it does frustrate me. It seems like you don't care that much.

Some things you said last time makes me wonder if you looked at this site and figured out who I am. I did tell you I come on here. It's okay and I don't think about that when I post so it has no effect on that. But I'm not going to bring it up either.

Just saying "hi". {waves} Either you see this or you don'tm ;-)

Dear T (MC), I have a million things I want to say to you tomorrow at our solo appointment. But I'm scared to say them. Please help me with that.

Dear t,
I hope you feel better soon. And I hope things settle for you soon.

I know I'm a jerk...

Darling T -

It never fails that I'm usually anxious for our appointments - but today, I'm downright scared. Please be the same even though I feel I have gone crazy.

~EM

T,
I'm still cogitating on your response to my email. Seems like answers just lead to more questions. I want and need to approach this whole therapy thing differently than I did with my last T. Attachment is a problem for me. Never want to go through that again. I need safe guards in place. I need a plan.

Remember this ^^

Thanks for wanting to try again and for keeping my day and time open...sorry, I might have to cancel again. Not sure if things are safe. Sorry for all the cancellations. You are sweet for being so patient...but I'm still not sure things are going to work out with this.

I miss my ex T. What she did was unethical but she was an excellent therapist and she got me in a way that I'm not sure you can.

Dear exthera,

I am on break, and making myself bored. Do you want to go out for tea?

Dear exthera,

Thank you for being there and being solid for me, so I could get the work done. And thank you for being a friend and helping me through my medical crisis last month. You paid for lunch and caressed my hands for over two hours. Thank you for all that you still do for me, even though you don't get paid anymore. You are and always will be one of my lifetime friends. I am trying to cut you a break by not asking you to go to the fair with me, because your emails to me tell me that you are working hard with an overly busy practice and you don't like to turn people away.

But please do have tea with me before concert season starts. I'm giving you a break from my emails, and will write to you on here if I need to. okay, maybe I will write half the amount of emails I usually write.

I'm afraid you've learned nothing about being ethical, being loyal or telling the truth. You still betray me every chance you get and that does not sit well with me.

Where you kidding? Or totally serious?