Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

You're so good to me.


^ i can picture you in my mind better now; can't wait to tell you

FM,

Thank you. I know I was blessed.

Dear T

Your unrelenting positivity and celebration of my achievements makes me smile. I'm quite sure I'm awful and yet you find that little piece of good and let it shine.

****possible trigger****

Dear T:

I'm not sure what's happening but I feel like I just don't have it in me any more. I mean, I never really did but things have taken a turn for the worse... I just feel totally worn out, with therapy, with life, just everything.

I'm not really sure I'm able to keep myself safe.

Dear T,
omg, omg, omg, you're back, and you don't hate me?! really? :mindblown:
(yes, that's the little kid in me that's SO happy that we could finally talk, and that you don't think I'm a worthless piece of ****).
I'm glad you offered the extra session, though part of me worries that I will just want more and more. I don't want to get annoying and needy.
Also, please definitely bring on the other art ideas for therapy. I like them, and never judge them. All my judgements are solely towards mself and my ability, not towards anything else we could try to make therapy easier.
Are you preggers? or is that just the impression the cut of the shirt you were wearing yesterday gave me? (I won't ever ask you though). If you are, congrats!!!!!!
This ending thing is gonna suck. I find myself attached despite my best efforts at building walls.
Also, sorry that the hw you gave me is ending up so long and complicated. It's just how my head works: a whole bunch of inner conflict around all that stuff...
Can you tell I'm really happy and relieved you are back and ok?

FM,

You know who I am on this forum, so please do read and hear this:

Why Can't I just go on line and get an f%^*ing degree! I can buy as many as I want on line. I'll even buy a couple more for you. Remember, I'm trying to stay counterculture. Why the heck did I make this our last agreement before therapy was terminated. Besides the stat program SUCKS big time. FM I don't want to...besides I'm angry.

Dear T,

I feel guilty for losing my temper at you earlier on, but you didn't get back to me even though you were back from your sick leave and I feel abandoned even though we've only been through one session together.

Urgh. But I feel guilty because you're so nice.

dear t,
hopefully in our next session I will be able to discuss these painful things. please be patient and don't take my silence as a ticket to start rambling about trivial stuff.

Dear T,
I'm scared as ****. I don't know how to do this the right way. I can't put my thoughts into words. I don't think it sounds right. It's not normal. I mean really not normal. Maybe I'm afraid I should be put away somewhere? That I'm much more of a lunatic than anyone knows, even myself?
It would be much easier to quit. I'd think I'd like to quit. Quitting is something I am good at.

I miss you...

Dear MC, I was kinda hoping to run into you when I was there for my pdoc appt. today (or my T appt. yesterday), just to say hi. Guess I'll have to wait till Monday...

dear t,

i'm seeing you tomorrow this time i'm gonna talk about stuff k.

Dear T,
YOu suckkk. I hate you.

Dear T

Why am I always ok on therapy day when I really need to show you the mess I am?

Darling T,

There is no way to express my thanks. I keep trying to find a way, as the words 'thank you' don't do it justice.

-EM

FM,

Another wasted day. I know I can do it, but I just finds to many excuses not to.

Thank you for yesterday, and for taking my bacon off my hands. You are a hearty eater. There is no shame in your game, and I love you for it. Do all of your countrymen eat as much as you do and stay so slim? — wow! I know you exercise when not cold outside. I don't know if you know that bacon is my favorite meat, but as you know I gave it up for better health.

Thanks for being willing to help me fix my door on Saturday. And, it's okay that you can't give me an exact time. Your just being willing to help me is more than enough. Thank you.

tw4me

Thank you for telling me you loved me today and for touching my shoulder, even though I feel unlovable and untouchable.

dear t that was an awesome conversation we just hung up from. like, wow. thank you so much for saying that i have taught you, as well. that was amazing to hear. because i have learned so very much from you.

of course i wish like the dickens i knew what you heard there at the end - i think you misheard what i said - that you heard the opposite of what i said - it was still an awesome conversation even so. but please answer my email soon i need to know what you heard... in case you heard wrong.... ! i think you did!

You aren't going to answer my email, are you? I get to sit with this for 3 weeks, don't I? Oh, joy.

Crap.

Why can't you man up and terminate me already? It's beyond time. You're so defensive in session having a conversation is impossible. Are you afraid I'll report you? Is that why you refuse to do it?

So I suppose by the time we talk again I will be able to definitively say "I'm not ready to terminate" or "Let's schedule a termination date and work towards it" and not beat around the bush anymore. Maybe it was supposed to happen this way.

(I still want you to answer my email, though.)

(Please?!)