Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Thank you. I agree that grieving is a massive part of the process.

Dear T, You're very good at what you do.
You're clear about your process with out laying out "rules".
You lightly "re-parent" in a way that doesn't make me feel like a child but allows me to feel like one if I need to.
I was in so much pain and knew exactly what to do. How did you read my mind?
You offered comfort in two stated, simple requests, seemingly acknowledging and even allowing room for my transference while doing absolutely nothing out of bounds or untowardly.

I'm feeling better today. Still sad but solid.
Thanks for that.

The grief is hard today. So hard. This is the most pain I have been in since our termination session nearly a month ago. I had a dream last night which was symbolic of you vs T2 and I woke up knowing exactly what it meant. I wish I could talk to you, I wish you could read this. I just wish...for you.

this anxiety and uncertaintly about when I will see T again is coming out as crankiness. :/
I don't like the crankiness. I don't like the anxiety. I don't like the uncertainty.

T
I want to share with you about the new job, but i can't. So we'll discuss the need for a med change. .... I hope this goes well.

It is such a good thing I cancelled the appointment for this week. It would have been a giant disaster to come.

I'm glad i'm seeing you tomorrow.

Dear T (MC), I'm sorry for leaving you a weepy rambling voicemail today after our session. I know I seemed mostly fine in the session with my husband, but the fact that you seem reluctant to have another individual session with me to discuss transference issues really triggered my fears of rejection (OK, I told you that part in the message, so I probably don't need to be posting it here). But it's really scary to me, the way stuff with you brings up those feelings. You know all about transference, you should realize that. I know you're worried about boundaries and all that, and think it's better if I discuss it either with my individual T or with you in front of my husband.

But I just feel this need to talk to you by myself about it. Yes, it's partly because you're good at "holding me from across the room." Maybe that seems like the wrong reason to be seeking it from you. But I feel like a little girl right now.

I know it may not seem appropriate since you're my MC or you feel like I should be handling it in a different way. But I need you, OK? I ******* need you. Please help me through this. Please?

I would love to call you and talk a few minutes simply to feel taken care of but don't worry, I would never do that.

Dear MC, I know I told you that you don't have to call back tonight. But I still want you to call back tonight. Even if it's late. Even if you're not sure what to say. Even if you're kinda annoyed at me for being needy (as silly as that may sound).

Please?

I think about you all week between sessions. I wish I could have three hour appointments so we could talk about everything. I appreciate you keeping your fee low for me but sometimes I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.

I owe you a lot for helping me get to where I am. Thank you for being patient with me and doing your best to try and understand everything I say. I hope you always remember how much you mean to me but you don't even know because I haven't told you.

T,

I was talking to a couple people at lunch today and they both suggested that I ask you if you have a sliding scale for people like me who can't afford to see you as much. The thing is though, that for as long as I've seen you, as poor me, you've never mentioned or hinted at that. I'd think that you would've by now especially since you are aware of my finances. You always say stuff like, "I could see you every week if you wanted but you don't make a lot of money. My only concern is that it costs you a lot of money to see me. You work hard for your money." Is this something that you have no control over because it is Dr. F's business? Should I ask him?

I'm afraid to bring this up because I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to put you in an awkward position. I don't want to hear you say, "No." Maybe you haven't mentioned the idea because you really don't want to see me more often? I wonder if I should just leave things the way they are since I'm already coming to accept it?

Wow, I actually have something that I want to tell you but I don't know how. Now I'm feeling sad again. I don't like the idea that I there's something on my mind that I am afraid to share with you. :-(

I appreciate your adapting your style for our sessions. I bet its hard having a storm cloud roll into your office every week. Your foot still bounces. I hope youre not too peeved or at least you have ways to decompress after I leave. Im not a bad person really. Just annoying. Its okay; I annoy myself.

Dear MC,

I love you, OK? (I know, you'll say that I just love the part of you that I see during 50 minutes a week, blah blah blah.) But...I love you. Maybe like a father, maybe something else.

And it hurts like hell.

I can't wait to see you today. But i'm nervous too. You make me kind of nervous and scared. Idk why.

I get that way before my appointments up until about 5 minutes into it. It's weird.

I am so bored..................

Dear T,
We didn't have time last session, but you said you'd think about it for next session. I really need help trying to figure out how to get out of my panic modes. It takes one thousandth of a second to get there then I can't process, think or rationally think. Hopefully you can give me tools to help.

Processing this loop is getting harder. ... not sure if I can handle this. Please tonight let arp help..... since I need to get my head back.

The same thing happens to me. As soon as I walk into the building, I get really nervous and the first 5 minutes of the session feels brutal.

T, I love it when you smile at me. I wish you would sit a little closer. My couch seems so far away from your couch. Maybe, one day, you'll sit next to me. But I guess I need to have a total break down for that to happen. You're very good with boundaries and I don't see you sitting next to me unless I'm having a total melt-down...which I will prevent as long as I can. But can you at least bring your couch a few inches forward please.

I don't know how you made me feel today. The child in me is screaming at you but i can't seem to say anything when i'm in session.

I have told numerous professionals what you have done to me and they were all SHOCKED!! Everyone said that you were unethical and they never heard of anyone being violated like I was. The worst thing is that it was not just one slip of the tongue but you repeated breaching my confidentiality over and over and over and over and OVER again for about 2 years. 2 LONG YEARS you made me the topic of conversation, you allowed me to be ridiculed, to be the brunt of numerous jokes, to be placated and lied to. You actually encouraged it all and then, YOU CONTINUED TO TALK ABOUT ME AS IF YOU OWNED ME!! One day YOU SHOULD KNOW how embarrassing it is and how it feels to want to hide in the closet and never come out. YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW IT FEELS FOR 2 LONG YEARS!!

Actually, it lasted much longer but I'm sure you weren't counting, nor did you care one iota.

Hey T: I was thinking today about that termination dream thing. And I wonder if perhaps I won't have one - for the simple reason that, I have no intention of ever stopping my inner work. I need to ask you on Thursday if you really feel that strongly about it, from a clinical standpoint; because I keep seeing real-life examples that prove to ME that I am ready to end our work together. I have another one to share with you on Thursday. I trust your instincts on this of course, but I trust mine, too... I can tell you that it's not because of finances, it's not because I'm fighting my attachment to you, it's not because I'm running away from something difficult. I simply feel - ready - to handle life on my own, with my own resources, the skills that you've helped me to learn, and talking to my husband and friends when I need support. I got this, T. Thank you!

dear T

im scared abt reducing the seroquel for a couple reasons 1.sleep 2. psychosis

but i guess i will try it

idk..

i hope it goes ok... i really do

me

ps thanks for ur text when i was at work...it made me laugh out loud