Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

You think your position give you entitlement to ruin someone's life and walk away without a word of explanation?? You will have to answer for your despicable actions towards me.

Dear T,
Dare I say I care about you? I was thinking this morning, than I want to try to express that, but I don't know how or what my motivations are around it really. Yeah, I talk about caring about people all the time, but I never say it TO them (except maybe the wife and the mama)...
So much worry has come up around your recent absence. I kinda want to talk about it, but I don't want to come off as "making it about me". The thing is though, it's triggered a bunch of stuff about past losses and my own inability to be there for my clients that time... I still have not processed that, but I alsodon't want to waste what little time we have left on it. :/
Gah! This is stressful and frustrating and... Can you please be back Tuesday and can you maybe still have that time open and can you call to tell me you have that time open and I can come if it's not too much of a rush?
:/

Thanks for letting me "talk shop" about my job. Im not sure how much you understand but when you focus and just listen it calms me. You seem better or maybe you are just modeling what I need from a T.

Thanks for reminding me about specific things that self soothe. I'll try doing some this weekend. There are birds building a nest out my living room window now. You'd like that too.

When my T (MC) had to cancel on us at the last minute about a month ago, that, combined with some stuff that had happened the past few weeks (like getting an emergency message during our session, generally seeming sad and not himself), I had the same question of how to express caring without being too intrusive.

When he finally called to reschedule us, at the end of the conversation, I was just like, "I hope you're doing OK. I get the sense you're going through a rough time right now." He just said "thanks," and I was like, "I'm not trying to pry, so see you next week." I felt like that way I was showing I cared without literally saying "I care about you." (Though I still overanalyzed it in my head, as I do, and was afraid he'd say something next time about it--he didn't.).

So you could just say something like that maybe. Hope you get to see her next week!

dear t,

i am hurting.

the c-ptsd is just getting too much. it's past the point of overwhelming - it's completely and totally encompassing. it is consuming my entire life.

if i'm not sure how to climb out of this agony... it confuses me that if there is a God, then He lets us suffer so much... why? what purpose does this prolonged dying serve? i feel cheated, somehow, cheated of the life i was SUPPOSED to have...

Dear T,

I'm nervous what you'll think when you'll read my email. I'm afraid you'll think I make a problem out of everything. That I'm a burden to you. I'm afraid you'll regret asking me if I want to continue therapy with you at your new workplace.
You haven't done anything to make me think this. It's me. I'm afraid I'm a burden to anyone. Even to someone who's getting paid to listen to me. After all, you're only human.

chummy, you aren't a burden, i promise

Dear dear Dr. M,
I had a tough 2 days. I'm hurting everywhere. I have temperature and I am scared and I am cold and I can't tell anyone. I wish I could tell my mother and go cry there but I can't. It's so heart-breaking you know. She is sleeping in the other room but I miss her so much, funny how close and how far away she is at the same time. I feel so betrayed. I feel so alone.
Have you ever experienced anything like that? I will never know. I will never know how much we share and how many times you've had that feeling of "ah, I've been there!" while I'm talking. Not that it's important. Honestly, I'd rather think you have not gone through certain things.
Thank you for the acts of great kindness you are doing and for allowing me to pour out my heart. I think I might well be your most pain-in-the-*** client. You are a great person, T.

T1 & T2 -
Too many jumbled thoughts of both of you now, I can't make sense of anything. I miss you T1, I miss you so much it hurts. T2 you're very nice and easy to talk to but you have so much catching up to do it's frustrating. when i think about something i want to bring up and talk about in session, i can't focus on talking to just one T. I think about how T1 would respond, but know that I have to tell T2. Aaarrrgghh!
I just want to go crawl into my safe little hole...

i wish you would understand what i was trying to tell you

Dear T,
Which of your clients is your favorite? Do I bore you? Do you think I'm wasting your time? Which of your clients is your favorite? Cause I know you have one and I know its not me.

I hope you know today is really effing difficult for me.

Dear T

Today is hard for me, I am trying so very hard not to contact you but i feel i want to scream.

When am I going to see the human side of you? I'm beginning to think you don't have one.

dear t,
the anxiety just cycles. if it's not the anxiety over meeting (or not meeting) with you, it's over having to get structure back into my life... :/
Tuesday will be here soon, and I don't know if I will be able to see you. Even if you are feeling better and back at work, do you have me in to see you tuesday? will there be time? or will i have to wait till later in the week or the following week?
i really dislike feeling so up in the air.

Dear T

Why won't you just get my psychic message to email me?

Dear T,

I was speaking to you from the heart. Did you hear me?

Sometimes hearing how some people put your ilk on pedestals and adore you people makes me want to expose you all as frauds and charlatans and so forth even more than I usually do. It is sort of hard to believe it could get more intense disdain for you people than it already is. But of course you do already know how little respect I have for your so called profession.

Dear T (MC), OK, I'm totally weirded out by the whole erotic and paternal transference thing. Like, at the same time, I want you sexually but I also kind of want you to hold me like I'm a little girl? That just seems so weird, but I guess it's also Freud, right? But still...

Hey exthera,

I hope you're fee better. Thank you for your response to my email, but I don't get it. I asked you why am back to doing old pass times (PC and Free Cell) that weren't the best use of my time and mind while I am on vacation, as oppose to doing other things or working on my project. I did not get your response:

"Could be any number of things, but it seems that if the outer world isn't doing something to make your life difficult/challenging then you have to.

Maybe, it's something like, for you, accomplishing something has no meaning unless it's done so under near impossible circumstances. How much harder is it going to be to get school work done, get enough rest, take good care of yourself, if you have these wonderful little electronic distractions? Could be something like that."

Please clarify for me, okay.

FM,
I did delete the game apps.

Darling T,

That hug was awkward from me. I didn't even remember what it felt like from you other than, "she's hugging me, she's hugging me, she's actually hugging me". It's been on my mind tonight. I want a redo.

I hate that I want a redo.

I hate that I miss you.

My heart hurts.

I didn't want to feel this way about my T, yet I find myself here, feeling this way.

You say it's okay, I want to fight it.

I'm trying to just let it be what it is.

I'm jealous that others feel this way about you & that frustrates me because I understand it, I get the need. I understand it's your job and this is how you help people.

I hate it.

I hate that I have these feelings.

~EM

I feel like a little kid waiting for mom to come home from a trip that took way longer than expected. I don't like this confusion. I know you are not mom. I don't want you to be mom. I do want you to be back this week though...

((8888))

You were. And there is no compensation. All you can do is grieve.

I hope your future is better than your past.

I'm seeing you tomorrow, thankfully. My c-PTSD has been running me into the ground and i need someone to go through it with.