Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

(Pretty please with a cherry on top?)

(Okay I'll stop now.)

dear T

i had a good day

me

Just a heads up. I'm bringing in a lot of messiness tomorrow.

You really aren't judgemental, are you? I tell you we need to do X and the next session I'm not ready. The next session too. You listen calmly while I natter on about nothing. I really want to get well enough that we can do real work but my desperation with daily circumstances prevents that. I promise it's not resistance in the classic sense. I'm about to lose my mind from stress and self loathing. Just keep me intact until you-know-when, okay?

Darling T -

I don't know. I hurt. Still. The pain moves around. Some places I can ignore more than others. I just want this to all go away.

I'm thankful for you. I feel at peace in your office. I feel safe there. Out here in this big world, it's frightening at times.

~EM

i'm seeing you today. I don't know where to begin.
things I would like to talk about:

*skyhigh anxiety
*dissociation
*stress
*self harm

things I would NOT like to talk about:

*self esteem
* it being 'my fault' or not
*hospital

God i hate your ilk

Dear T,

Last year I was not capable of working on changing my thought process. I thought " I will always be thinking bad thoughts, racing thoughts, and what ifs, and things that could happen and would happen, that scare me. And be more and more frightened every single day." But this year I'm able to think and say to myself " stop the rumination and stop running scenarios" and I'm able to work on actually stopping those thoughts from coming into my head. I'm not good at it but I'm working on it

I am appalled at how clients kowtow to you people. Not to mention how they bend over backwards to justify the insane things you people try to inflict on clients.

Following up on the post above this...

Dear (my) T. I can see from some of the posts here that you're one of the good ones.
Thanks for that. I consider myself lucky to have sessions with you.

Darling T -

Ditto.

~EM

Dear p-doc
I am so mad right now I could punch someone. Why the **** would you let a suicidal patient, who just tried to kill herself, walk out of your office with no advice on how to survive the weekend with the words "it's your choice"???!!! You are the worst therapist I've ever had. I held on for 2 nights waiting for this appointment to give me some direction and you gave me NONE! Thanks for showing me that you too, do not care. 'See you next Friday' my ***. If I make it, I am NOT coming back.

I really want to ask you what you think of me but I'm not sure you'll give me the type of answer I'm looking for...I know you say you don't judge at all but I have a really hard time believing it, probably because I am so judgmental myself.

Also, thank you for holding eye contact this week for a couple seconds when I was stressed out and didn't know what to say. It seems insignificant but I can't stop thinking about it, I felt like you really cared and wanted to understand how I was feeling.

On another note, I'm curious as to how long you want to see me for. I have no intention of terminating anytime soon but I wonder if you have an idea of when you plan on trying to get me to that point. I'm not ready though and won't be for awhile.

Dear T,

I want to tell the people who betrayed me for years that, from here on out, that they can expect the same type of compassion that they have shown me. No more will I be contributing when you are in need. I see now that I have not even been given the slightest consideration from so many people . It is an eye opener as well as a moisturizer. You may be glad when I leave but I'm not going anywhere yet. You will not force me out.

Dear T: I so appreciate your response to my email. Thank you. I'm so glad you are my t!!!

When I see or read about the types of people who say they want to become or who indicate they are training to become therapists, I am more distrustful of and horrified about your profession than I was to begin with. I am concerned about whether those people are more disturbed than the prospective clients.

Those who betrayed me may think it would never happen to them so it's ok that it happened to me. I am sick from it all. Those people will have their share and I want them to know how it feels when their coworkers turn their backs on THEM!!!!!!!

Oh don't think that my T isn't repeating YOUR problems too. Remember HE can't help himself!! He has ISSUES!!

Dear T,
Thank you for letting me leave that with you today... Wish I could have found a way to talk about it while there, but at least now you know a bit more concretely (though I have a feeling I might have mentioned it before more indirectly, because you seemed to know what I couldn't talk about with you today)...
Is it ok if your office is the container for now?

Why was I so stupid today? Why could I not articulate the answer to the attachment question you had? My brain went blank... This I know was anxiety. It feels different than the new tripping up on understanding. This was not the new stuff. This was just me freezing and getting nervous because we were touching on stuff that I don't touch on with others often.

It kinda sucks that we are almost done...

Why doesn't someone talk to me??? Is it so hard?? Of course it is because what was done to me was so despicable, such an invasion of my privacy, caused so much humiliation, is so degrading of me that you are all embarrassed for yourself.

Who was the genius that thinks the answer to conflict resolution is to "cover up" and deny everything?? Who was it?? I want to know.

I was just thinking about how we held eye contact for a couple of seconds last session when I was on the verge of breaking down and I realized why it meant so much to me. I've never done that with anyone before, probably because I rarely talk to other people about stuff with the depth that we do, but it was really powerful. It was probably nothing to you but it meant a lot to me.

Thank you.

I ditto that too to my T.

I'm not even sure how to start. Thanks for being really present with me and listening and helping me to connect the dots. Thanks for letting me articulate my messiness and take it in stride.

Dear Doctor D,

I was surprised to see you at the theatre tonight. I thought you were still overseas. Thank you for the long warm squeeze, and for holding my face in your hands to let me know I looked great and you could tell I was doing well. I remember how I felt and never bothered looking in the mirror after getting out of the hospital — probably death warmed over. I'm glad my outside matches my insides. I'm doing well thanks to you, family and friends, and FM. And yes, I will call to catch you up or make one last appointment (I love your hugs). I'm still on track from were we finished off.

I loved the play tonight, but it was long, and I fell asleep the second half, so I'll need you to catch me up. Thank you for the repair.

Love,
tw4me

Dear T,

I'm torn. I know my decisions have an impact on others, like my beautiful nephew. I know, intellectually, that I would be simply transferring the pain. But I don't think I can face it myself. What am I to do? It's one or the other. Do I even have a choice?

It is bad enough that you people blame the client for everything. But that you people somehow manage to convince other clients to blame clients for everything wrong you people do is amazing. Evil, but amazing.