Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

i'm not sure i can put off doing that thing we talked about. i just had a massive argument with my parents and i'm really angry.

Some of you people. ;-)

I agree. It is terrifying and horrifying. I think that as well when I read blogs written by therapists. Scary stuff.

Dear T,

I have a bit of a crush on someone new whom I've seen around town a few times. Not you and that's kind of refreshing. You'd probably think it useful to discuss. But it's a little embarrassing. It's a small town and even if you don't know her, you will have heard of her. I'm thinking how to anonymize the situation for our next session. It feels so awkward.

LL

You were very shrewd in conspiring against me and using other clients who are in senior level positions to join in on the action. It wouldn't take much for you to convince them since they have the superiority complex like yourself. Only thing is, they are being duped just like I was....they still don't know it yet. It will take them longer to figure it out. Wonder if they'd like me to post about their personal issues on here the way they have done to me? What do you think?

Dear T: from some of the stories I read here on pc, I feel so so so lucky to have had you as my t. Yes, you have been wrong sometimes, but you've always admitted it, you've apologized whenever something you've said has caused me angst, and because of your gracious humility I have been able to grow from each of those experiences. I feel so sad for those folks who have been abused in bad therapy situations/by unethical therapists. I am so very, very lucky and I know it.

I can't leave things this way between us. Oh, I'll leave... but you need to call me to make amends for everything. I'm not going away without an explanation from you. I'm done.

thank you for that session yesterday. it is the only thing keeping me sane right now. i nearly flew off the hook and did bad things today, but i didn't. all because of you!

As you know I don't like walls and I chose you because you are so... human and still so healing. You hardly made any mistake with me, T. You were anything but a blank slate yesterday. I grope in the dark with this whole thing and I'm so grateful you made me realize how impulsive I am and how distorted my view of things can be. You helped so much, trying to make me review things, knowing when "neutral" doesn't work, giving me your perspective and heartfelt advice, helping me see that what I immediately perceive as a threat can actually be a mere act of love depending on where it comes from. Thanks for balancing my lack of healthy guidelines (any guidelines) with your own insight and ideas and for helping me to be more open and less afraid of who is now by my side.

Dear T,
Um, so... yeah... I will admit (again) that therapy is triggering. well, more so the things it brings up. but I'm figuring out this coping stuff. and I don't need to call you about it (though I want to)... nights are worse though. it's hard to go to bed because that fear is back.
why is it that sometimes you come off as caring and wonderful, and other times I think you hate me. I hope I can ask you about it next week.

T,
I don't know what I want right now. I don't know what to ask you for. I'm numb and struggling and I don't know what to do to make it better. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other hoping to reach a place where it'll be okay.

T, I figured out what it is that feels "different" about our relationship now. When we were talking the other day, I felt less like a client, and more like a colleague, like we were discussing a client, and it just so happened that the client was me. Does that make sense?

Dear FM
I too, am one of the luckiest ones. Thank you.

I just realized, you did all the work today, and I did all the talking (no pun intended). I didn't mean for the job to be completed that way.

I wish you hadnt reminded me of my boudary issues and did we have to talk about my previous t?

dear T

i took my pills even tho ididnt wan tto. SO THERE!!!!!!

me

All of your support just makes me sad now, and I don't know why. Maybe because I'm waiting for it to go away.

You made me feel special and now i realise im just another clien t

I sent you another 4:00am email. My kid parts have some questions. I'm still not even really comfortable with talking about "kid parts." I may have been more comfortable having my dissociative disorder something vaguely referred to with hand-waving and a healthy shot of minimalization. I guess we're past that, and parts engaged with therapy are not parts willing to go back into their boxes. Dammit.

See you tomorrow, technically. I'll be paying attention to those answers. For the next stage of all of this, I'm going to need to trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life. I'm -- frankly -- terrified.

dear t,

i'm actually doing okay, after a rubbish day yesterday. thank you for your help on friday. i know that's the only thing that got me through.

FM,

I had to do it. It's done!

dear t,

i texted all my friends wanting to meet up with someone because i'm stuck at home with my father and all of them were busy. now i feel achingly lonely. my dad hates me.

Dear T,
I wish you wouldn't write "thank you for reaching out" and the start of all your email responses back to me. You're only encouraging needy behaviors out of me and I don't want to be needy!
I am thankful that you let me send you emails and I'm glad you reply.
-NP

You saved me and I can't wait to tell you how it went.

i'm feeling a bit better.