Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear MC, I'm a little nervous about seeing you solo tomorrow. I basically begged you for another solo appointment, and now I'm not entirely sure what to talk about! It's like you met my need just for apologizing for making me feel rejected and agreeing to meet with me. My T says I should talk to you about attachment issues, which makes sense. My friend says I should ask you to tell me all your disgusting habits, so I lose my attraction for you

But that's the thing--I was saying most recently that it's probably mostly a paternal thing rather than erotic/attraction. But I don't know. If it's just a paternal thing, would it have registered to me that you looked cute Monday?

So do I focus on the paternal stuff and attachment issues? Or brave the awkward conversation that we only touched on briefly before that I'm actually physically attracted to you as well as emotionally? Both? Or maybe we could just talk about college basketball...

Dear T,

Thank you for calling me back yesterday. I dont think I would have gone to therapy if you had not kindly coaxed me. And thank you for saying you are proud of me. My heart soaks up your affirmations.

So ok t, I'm expecting it, what we talked about will likely happen over the next few days, I hope it does happen, on one hand; on the other, I'm not so sure because what will I do when I don't/can't anymore?! But no. I want it to happen. Because, how fascinating it is, right?!

Still waiting...wasting the morning and waiting...

Oh FM, will when I learn?

dear t

i have cotton brain.

me

I'm so glad you are (so far) one of the competent ethical ones. But don't get too secure. There are a few things I notice and will continue to watch.

I won't see you for two weeks and that scared me a little bit and also makes me sad. I think I'm getting too attachted to you. I didn't had that when I was for the first time in therapy with you. Maybe it is because I feel much more depressed and lonely?

i really like you. really.

Dear t,
my inner kid is having all sorts of irrational fears about g finding out, and hunting us down to continue what he used to do. I'm trying to talk myself out of it, but the emotional experiencing is far from being able to listen to reason right now. I really want to call you and get radiance that is safe, that he doesn't know, and that nothing will happen. But I don't want to be annoying. I see you tomorrow anyway. I should be able to make it through 48 hours between appointments...
I hope tomorrow helps calm this a bit.

Dear T,

I need you to reply to my emails. Now. I need you. Please.

Dear MC, Thanks again for our individual session today.

The big thing is: Thank you so much for saying that your door is always open to me, with or without my husband. You said how "attachment" isn't so much seeing someone all the time as knowing that they're always there if you need them. You apologized for making it seem like you had closed the door (at least for individual sessions) before. Hearing you say that it's now always open means the world to me. I don't know why it means the world to me (and makes me cry when I think about it), but it does. Thank you.

FM,

Was not successful x2, yet still hopeful (thanks to your brilliant therapy). Stuck waiting on the other thing. Thanks for believing in me.

tw4me

I miss you but I don't want to call or email you. I just want to feel you're there for me.

I started to email you twice already. Once yesterday and once today. Today I actually typed it out, but decided not to send it. I figure it can just wait until I see you tomorrow. I should be able to wait even though I feel like I'm falling apart all over again.

Dear T: Um, go to the bank... okthanksbuhbye.

I wondered why you hounded me for personal information that was none of your business. Now I know why! Just so you could talk about me behind my back. Who would have guessed that it was just for gossip. You have no moral compass.

You cannot even begin to imagine my heartache over what you did to me.

I'm glad we are seeing each other less.... even if you are worried about sui.... triggers are lower. Things are good. Accept that

I'm so embarrassed for reaching out tonight. I should have dealt with it myself. I can't believe I trusted you. How am I going to face you tomorrow?

Now I do wanna call you. I'm feeling really insecure and I can't talk myself out of it. Did I make the right decision to start the termination process? Do I have all it takes to manage on my own? What if it's too soon? You don't think it is, but how can we be sure?

I think perhaps I had that termination dream last night that you said (again) we would wait for. I'm not sure if you'll see it the same way I do or not. But honestly like I told you last week, I don't think it matters if I have one or not, anyway,because I'm not stopping my inner work, I just don't need support with it anymore. The reason this termination thing is so hard to talk about is because I genuinely like you and respect the work you do and I will miss our conversations. But I am doing well, I am happy, and handling my own "stuff" better than ever, and I will be fine.

Darling T,

I don't want to do this anymore.
I want it to all go away.

Sometimes I think I'd prefer the dissociated life I was living before even if I wasn't really living.
At least I wasn't feeling so much hurt and pain that I can't put into words.

Help me, please.

~EM

hey T. i'm doing okay today. apprehensive to say good, but okay.

dear T

howwwwwwww am i gonna get thru work tonight??? i just have to..i jsut have to do it. no excuses, just do it.

then .... 2 days off!

me

The attachment to you is beginning. It's not like it was with T1 (how could it be?) but some of these feelings are unexpected. I have always liked you as a therapist, but I am beginning to like you and be be curious about you as a person. Don't know what this says about me as a client. Perhaps attachment is inevitable for me.
And yes, I am going to miss you over the next three weeks.

glad i'm seeing you tomorrow. i'm having trouble with