Feeling guilty for telling T how I am really feeling

I am really struggling with a huge sense of worry and am quite destabilised by not knowing exactly when my therapist will be leaving. I am struggling under the surface with huge anxiety about it and what the next steps may need to be......let alone grieving losing him.

And yet I feel so guilty about it. I didn't want to express the depth of how hard this is on me to him......and finally today it spilled out near the end of session. And he looked at me with a mix of deep compassion but also what looked like sorrow/guilt at causing this for me and apologised for the situation. I instantly felt an even deeper sense of guilt.......

I really need to talk about this, it is so debilitating at times and has had me in tears at really awkward and unexpected moments this week. I feel like such a child over these emotions.......but don't want him to feel bad at making what is the best decision for himself and his family.

Is my guilt founded? Is it normal? Whatever normal is. How do I find a way to talk about this, properly, without apologising for him feeling the need to apologise to me......gah!

How do I do this.....and do therapy?????????

I'm not sure what the details here are, but it sounds like your therapist is moving permanently but you just don't know exactly when? If that's the case then totally normal to be freaking out about it. It sounds awful to be put in limbo like that. If I were in your shoes I'd probably feel just the same, and want to talk about it. Perhaps you should start working on the transition and saying goodbye vs trying to trudge forward with therapy that might be stalled at any moment?

It's normal to be sad, upset, everything when someone you have a deep connection with is leaving. You aren't blaming him. You're expressing your feelings. Feelings he's probably not surprised you have, since you're human.

Why don't you ask him what his facial expression meant, how he felt about what you told him? He'll answer as much as he's comfortable with and it will give you an opening to share your guilt about expressing the depths of your feelings with him.

You're talking about termination not due to you resolving your issues and moving on but due to outside circumstances. This is really difficult and therapists understand this and want to help, so bringing this up is a way to start the process. He might well welcome this.

your guilt is completely normal, but remember none of this is your fault. i'm so sorry your therapist is leaving and i know i would feel anxious as hell too.

In my experience you can't really "do therapy" and end therapy at the same time in the type of situation you're describing. It's a premature termination and I don't really know how to deal with it either. I didn't deal with it well. I lived in denial and it kind of hit me a couple of weeks before he left. It is very painful. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about though, but I do understand we can't always control how we feel.

In direct answer to your question about how do you do this ... and do therapy.

It might be a good idea to work on wrapping up therapy instead of trying to do any kind of deep work if he could be going at any time. Wrapping up could include a discussion of where you were when you started, what progress you've made and what problems remain to work on in the future on your own, with another T or in support groups. An honest analysis. He may also be able to help you in the process of finding another T, especially after looking at both your progress and remaining problem areas. It's possible you may benefit from looking at a whole new kind of therapy or different direction because some problems have become less intense and others have been uncovered.

It's also okay to stay in a holding pattern, overtly and openly, until he leaves. Sometimes we can use regular support to help us use what we've already learned in therapy. Maybe no new progress will be made, but it's vital to maintain whatever has already been learned and to get support from T in making sure there's no backsliding or regression during the difficult time of waiting for him to go.

Doing grief work might also be important, even if it's only learning about the normal process of grief over a loss. Guilt feelings are a common part of grief for many people, especially if the loss is bad for us, but good for the other person. We feel guilty for not feeling 100% happy for their good fortune because it's our bad fortune. I went through this recently when my best friend, who lived just a few minutes away from me, moved away to her dream situation.

Fortunately for me -- well, that's completely the wrong way to put it -- let's see ... it didn't take long to get over my distress because I knew how to deal with those feelings. I'd dealt with them before when the only two friends I had, who didn't know each other, both moved to the far opposite corners of the earth in the same week. Both of them suddenly gone in the same week. The people I talked to daily and hung out with and did everything with were simply no longer available because they'd suddenly had opportunities to fulfill lifelong dreams. The said, "Guess what, the most wonderful thing has happened ..." And they were gone just like that, off to follow their dreams while I sat at home gasping.

They were so, so happy. What kind of jerk would begrudge them that? Well, my kind actually, and I had to do some work to get over those bad feelings and feel happy for them. One friend left me totally behind for new interests, but I'm still in contact with the other one 23 years later, although it's not the intense kind of friendship we had in the past. It taught me a lot about the nature of connection and loving someone enough to let them go if that's what's best for them.

As painful as it is, doing that kind of work and doing it with your current T in the time you have left might enrich your life in so many ways. I've read many of your posts, Jane, and you sound like a really nice person, someone with many caring traits.

If you and T can work on this together, as painful as it is for you, the parting may end up being bittersweet for both of you, rather than just bitter and sad. Bittersweet is a fact of life for so many of us in so many ways. Learning to appreciate that and learning how to get beyond the bitter to the sweetness of being glad I once had such good people in my life on a regular basis ... it made life so much better in so many ways. It's helped me deal with other, more permanent losses. It helped me learn how to cope and survive.

I wish you the best and hope you and T can make the best of the time you still have together. I hope it's bittersweet, with an emphasis on feeling the sweet part in the end.

Thank you all for your support and validation, it really does help to normalise these feelings......and needs in relation to them that seem to be surfacing.

It is complicated, and Petra5ed, as you mentioned.....my therapy could end at any time. It is definite that when my T has the position that he wants, he will move away for good. He had an interview last week, and does not know exactly when he will know the outcome, and after that how long the time frame from knowing and leaving may be. If this position doesn't pan out for him.....then we carry on until the next interview etc.

It is incredibly destabilising........I feel I have no stability in the therapeutic relationship now, in as much as when it is going to end. I/we can not even plan how the ending will happen, because it could suddenly not be necessary for a another few months. Gah! I am rambling and probably sharing too much information........

Puzzle bug....I am sorry you have been through a difficult ending too. And you are right...I can't "do" therapy like this, not really.

SnakeCharmer.......thank you so much for your post, and your kind words. Almost all that you have written are things that I have thought about addressing. I do NOT want to be doing any of the deeper work now. I am at the point of traumatic memory/feeling processing, and unfortunately they have been triggered in session(and between) when I specifically do not want to be having them now. But what do you do.....

I would very much like to talk about grief, I have not really done it in the past, I have stuffed and used coping strategies that have been most unhealthy. So even learning this, a healthy way of grieving and what that may be like would be useful.....really it would.

And I do need help with the what's next, as it is terrifying and will need to follow a process that in itself could well be extremely intense and frankly terrifying to me........all with complete strangers.

A bittersweet ending would be the best case scenario......I care about my T and I am fairly sure he cares about me....I hope we can make this as easy as possible.