[archipelago]

At the moment with multiple layers a little too heavy I feel tremendously sad and as if I can't move or do much of anything. There's stress and depletion there as well.

I found out that I have to leave where I work because the place broke the contract and is no longer appropriate. This came suddenly and I'm still not sure it has sunk in. It means that I have to start an immediate termination process that is completely unexpected with very vulnerable clients right at the moment when things felt they were about to take off. They are some of the most disempowered people probably in existence and have so few experiences of being able to trust people. It is sad to give them yet another taste of this from someone who seemed to induce hope for better.

At the same time my relationship with my therapist is changing to the degree that the way it has been may not be able to be continued. I have picked up on this, had some difficulty with it, and finally he told me that he has a health concern and that at this point it is uncertain. He has been pulling away, seeming distant, making mistakes that he usually doesn't. Now I get some of why. While we aren't literally ending like I am with my clients, in a sense the way the relationship has been for years and years is ending and what may become of it is unknown. This seems even harder than a clear cut ending.

I have experienced a great deal of loss, almost every aspect of my life has been touched by loss of one kind or another, some very significant and devastating. All that feels like it is welling up. And I can't figure out how to even do basic routine things.

[Ruftin]

(((((archipelago))))) I am so sorry for the loss of your job. I can tell you are very devoted to your clients. You take such responsibility for them. You are in shock. It will take some time for you to wrap your head around it all.

We learn from what we see, and on an even deeper level when we experience it for ourselves. This seems to be the case with your therapist. You in turn are going through what your clients are going through. Write everything is going to be okay on your hand. Do it every day for however long it takes. Read it frequently. Believe it!!! Share it with your clients. Wash it off when you're feeling stronger. It's not much, but well spoken words to ourselves are powerful. Best wishes!!!

[growlycat]

I am so sorry you are being hit on both sides. Thinking of you!!

[ThisWayOut]

[Lauliza]

I am truly sorry you are going through all this right now. Thinking of you...

Loss is awful, i can only imagine how you feel right now. I'm here for you x

I am really sorry about all your losses and can really understand how things going on with your therapist are a kind of loss even though the relationship continues.

You are a really kind soul. Even though the situation at work is unfortunate, not fair, or even devastating for your clients, hopefully they internalized some of that compassion and will carry that with them.

[JustShakey]

[archipelago]

Thanks for everything. I'm not one to cry easily. In fact I almost never did before a breakthough in my own therapy not all that long ago where that ability was seen as an achievement of sorts.

Well, I sorta wish I had the ability to turn it off once started. I have supervision today. It will be an important meeting. He doesn't know the outcome yet so I have to break it to him and then ask how exactly to break it to both staff and the clients. I mean I can't refer really to the complicated institutional battle over the contract. But I can't just say I'm splitting either. I will be asking him for advice since he knows the population well. My thought right now is to do something symbolic with them, like making something together that they can keep, but I haven't had the energy to think this through.

And since the news from my therapist is really having a profound impact but I'm being careful not to lean on him so that leaves me without a way to figure out how to proceed. I mean I can't stay in bed and I can't go out on the verge of tears. And if I manage to pull it together for now, what is going to happen when I do start saying goodbye and I feel a tug.

[Ruftin]

By archipelago: My thought right now is to do something symbolic with them, like making something together that they can keep

What a wonderful idea!!!!! It will be good for you and for your clients. You are amazing!!