[JaneC]

Thank you in advance to anyone that takes the time to read all this.....I know it is long......

As you know, it was confirmed Friday that my T is terminating me. It was a messy session, so afterwards, I called and he asked me to try to write down what I needed from him and from the remainder of our sessions together.

So I sent him the following attached to an email asking him to also please make a preliminary recommendation of some therapist to choose from to transition to. I said we could talk about the attachment below in session. So far he has not replied, and in my experience he has always replied by the end of the day...it is Monday here btw.

Is this too much to ask?
(btw I feel very vulnerable putting this here, but value your insight, so constructive feedback is welcomed.)

I need (if possible):
• You to hold my hand through this part of the process, metaphorically of course, although there is a small part of me that wishes you could actually, physically, hold my hand and guide and protect me through this. I guess I wanted that from the beginning. I’ve not had that in life. And I guess I hoped you’d be able to do that until the end when I would feel ready to say goodbye on my own accord.
• For you to not distance yourself behind professional, aloof and strict boundaries that leave me feeling like a number you have to deal with, a box you have to tick,
• I need comfort. I need to feel comforted. It was what I needed the other day on the phone. And I feel guilty for wanting to feel comfort….Because asking for comfort was not allowed ever for me. It was bad and I was bad, useless and annoying for expecting or even wanting it. I am not sure what it will look or feel like……..I just know I need it. (and feel so bad for wanting it). I wonder if I will get past that.....Why do I feel guilty?
• To be shown with kindness that my feelings are ok, that you will not hate me for saying what I am feeling.
• To help me understand and be ok with saying……..I am angry. I am ANGRY! I came to trust you, to become attached to you, to believe that you cared about me and that I could count on you, and I have allowed myself to be so vulnerable……and trust, again.
• To talk about my fears around the ACC process……I don’t think I will be believed. People haven’t believed.
• I’d like to hear what your hopes are for me in the future, and I’d also like to hear what you think of me as a person. I’d really like to hear what you think my positive qualities are. I so struggle to see any of them on my own.
• I’d really like us to end this relationship in a way I have not done before with a significant relationship……on as positive a note as possible.
• I would like to be able to find a way to let you know how much you and therapy have meant to me, how much I have gotten from our time together…I am not sure I will be able to.
Practicalities
• Can I have extra sessions if you have any, and if I need them? (I am aware this is a huge ask, as you have a big client load and probably a lot of people are struggling. So no is ok, but I have to ask)
• Help me find a new therapist (I don’t want to do this…at all!!), kicking and screaming if needed.
• Helping me understand the ACC process
• I want to talk about grief, and what it looks like and how it is supposed to happen, and get support to feel my grief at losing you. (I say this now, but I am sure I will fight it. Tonight, I spent over an hour sitting outside a bottle shop. Finally pulled myself away and have not stopped eating yet, so I don’t have to feel)
• I would like to talk about what I have actually achieved since we began working together.
• I’d like to know what happens at & after the final session. How do we end it, will it be all awkward and goodbye? Do you ever keep in touch with your clients from time to time?
• Is there no possible way to continue on this process with you as my therapist?
(Mostly I really just need you to not go. And I am sorry, and feel so guilty & ashamed for thinking and wishing that)

[Partless]

Jane, this is surprisingly good, like almost could serve as an exemplary way to communicate about needs and wants when terminating therapy; I quite like this. I think it's comprehensive, it's respectful, it's mature, it's open and honest, it's very good. Your T may not want to or be able to give you some of the things you asked for, but I certainly don't think this is too much to ask. It's all reasonable. I mean we're talking about termination. Nothing here looks out of place in my opinion. I particularly like how you talk about your hand being held metaphorically and also physically if possible. It's courageous of you to make these requests and allow yourself a kind of vulnerability at this point in therapy. I'm not sure I could. But like I said, it may be that your T will not do some of these things you asked or may not do them the way you would like, so please be prepared so that you don't end up badly hurt.

[JaneC]

Thanks Partless.

I hope for a lot, but expect only that he will try his very best to help me to process this loss, and terminate without to much hurt being experienced. I predict he will say that he does not keep in touch after termination. I don't expect that he will hold my hand, I have told him for 2+ years to stay the heck away from me on the other side of the room.......and of course I would like a hug goodbye, but I deleted that question. I could not ask for that.

I just can not be left without a new therapist......that would be bad at this point.

I hope it doesn't end badly......... .......well, I mean, it is bad already. I hope it doesn't end even worse.......

(Why hasn't he replied???)

[ThingWithFeathers]

I think it is a clear and concise list that not only gives your t a number of things to work with, but also expresses how you truly feel. I do not think you are asking too much. And I think your t will be able to help in many of those areas. I'm sorry you're feeling so vulnerable right now - I know how it feels to open up in an email and wait for a response. Give your t time, he may want to think deeply about how to respond.

[feralkittymom]

Jane, I don't see anything unusual in your concerns (not sure what ACC is, so can't comment on that). I would think most of these have been a part of your therapy, maybe not always articulated, but there, nonetheless. But I also wouldn't expect a response from him until you're face to face. And honestly, wouldn't you rather he respond in person about such deep feeling stuff?

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

But I also wouldn't expect a response from him until you're face to face. And honestly, wouldn't you rather he respond in person about such deep feeling stuff?

Thanks...yes you are right, I wouldn't expect a response to the bulk of the email as I mentioned, and clarified to him. I did ask though if he would be able to give me some names of therapists before I see him in person......so I can check them out a little myself.

It just feels like such a short amount of time left.....6 or 8 weeks at best.....I don't want to waste them.

Its definitely not too much to ask... You deserve this. Thinking of you

[feralkittymom]

I'm almost glad, in hindsight, that I didn't have so much warning. We ended with raw (and very honest) emotions that I might have "controlled" more, given the time to prepare. As it was, we ended as we'd begun, and that was OK. I think good endings reflect the strengths of the relationship, and so hurt--but it's a satisfying hurt, if that makes any sense.