Oh, my ... Do I tell T?

Possible trigger: brief mention of csa and family violence

Okay, so this is a little complicated. But if you could bare with me, I'd love some opinions on what to do.

I have been seeing my t for around 2 years now. I am now also involved in a support group facilitated by my t and her colleague. At the end of the first group, one of the group members offered me a lift home. She has given me a lift home the last few weeks and we have a strong connection. We arranged to catch up outside of group one day, I spoke with my t beforehand and she said that if it was a problem they would have mentioned it at the beginning of the group and that if we choose to meet outside group it's no one elses concern. So we caught up for a drink, it was a great day - deep conversation and a really validating experience. However, she told me that her t (the other facilitator of the group) had indicated that 'making friends' wasn't part of the group.

And now it gets really complicated!

I always thought she was cute, but I knew she had a partner so didn't think much of it. Amyway, while we were out, she told me that she had something to tell me, that she'd been holding it in all week and wanted to get it out.

She's attracted to me. I'm attracted to her.

We are both survivors of childhood sexual abuse and family violence, and neither of us are sexually active. I have a lot of fear around sex, intimacy, trust, relationships etc. She faces similar issues.

Nothing has happened between us, just a clear conversation around how we feel and that nothing could happen at the moment.

The question I have is do I talk to my t about this? I'm feeling so overwhelmed and confused at the moment. Relationships and attraction freak me out and, on top of that it's such a tricky situation to be in. If my t was not the facilitator of the group, I would absolutely talk about what's happened and about all the fears that have been triggered in me. But I am scared that if I talk to her that would cause problems with group.

Would you talk to your t? How open would you be? Does it affect group?

(((ThingWithFeathers)))

You have a very good understanding of this:

"She's attracted to me. I'm attracted to her."

"nothing could happen at the moment."

On the basis of the information you have given, yes, I would really like you to be as open as possible with your T as you have with us, as I really think this makes sense what you are saying, and your T will help you with strategies.

Thank you for being honest with us.

I would also suggest bringing it up with t, including your concern around miscommunication with group guidelines.

good luck.

How wonderful to have met someone with whom you have that connection. You are your own individual and don't have to discuss with your T.

Yes. It will help you to talk about the relationship, it is a significant event in your life, and it would be good to know if the two t's are on the same page about outside contact. Take your time, as good as this feels, there is nothing wrong with spending time talking, getting to really know each other in a variety of settings/situations, rather than acting on the natural sexual urges (they won't go away...will still be there if all goes well)---
You mentioned that she "has" a current relationship? That needs to be discussed with her out loud, ....
Wishing you the Best Outcome!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))

I think it would be very important to tell you t about the situation. I think that it is something that would be need to be sorted out in therapy.

just be very open. i like to treat my t kinda like a diary.

I don't know if this would affect the group experience, but I would talk to your T regardless. It's her job as your individual T to help you deal with this new experience and it's also her job as a group facilitator to make sure that this doesn't disturb the group process. How will she manage it? I don't know. But this is not your problem to worry about. It's hers.

If it were me, I would want to to know exactly what the rules of the group are before I told my therapist. Is there even a remote possibility they would ask one or the both of you to leave or end the group? I've been in groups and the only rule was to maintain confidentiality. But, I know of other groups that have folded or one or both group members were asked to leave. I was in a private therapist group, and the others were connected to private hospitals. Silence may be golden, at least until you know future consequences.

Enjoy your new relationships.

Thanks for the replies!

Yeah, there's two issues here. One is my fear around relationships and intimacy, and the other is around group rules and how to negotiate the situation.

I'm just scared.

^ I agree with this. Before telling or even hinting at anything to the T, I would flat out ask whether they have any rules against group members becoming personal friends or dating. In fact, I would go as far as bringing it up as a "what if" scenario.

I would hate for you to reveal it and then have the T insist that one of you leave. Really puts you in a terrible situation if that were to happen. To before revealing any details, I would find out first what the consequences could be of this revelation (if any).