How does (or did-- just trying to include everyone here!) your husband relate to you going to therapy? How much do you include him in what's going on with T?

I ask because I realized that as close as my husband and I are, he really had no idea what I do in therapy. I had mentioned to him, a couple of weeks ago, that I was very angry at my T. I told him how I wrote nasty things about T in my journal, and how T wanted me to read them to him. My husband got kind of weird about the whole thing. He really didn't understand why I would get so mad at a therapist. Then my husband told me that he tries to 'distance' himself from a lot of what goes on with my problems and my therapy. I was very hurt because although I consider my relationship with T to be something very special, something that is between me and him, but I would like my husband to understand a little bit of the relationship, and what goes on in therapy.

Soooo (sorry if this is a novel, rather than a question), 2 weeks ago, I came home from therapy on a Friday and my husband was suddenly very open to knowing what is going with therapy. It was wonderful-- I explained about transference with T, object relations theory in reference to my own mother and why I believe I got f***ed up. Most of all, I explained to my husbad why it's really important to me that he understand some of this stuff. He told me that sometimes he just can't deal with the intensity of what I want to talk about-- that sometimes he comes home from a stressful day of work and he just wants to zone out-- then I come home and want to discuss my primitive defense mechanisms, lol. This is understandable. I told him that I wish he would have let me know this before-- that way I would know when to bring things up, and when not to. Ever since this conversation, things have been better. We talk more about the therapeutic process, he even asks questions about therapy/psychoanalysis in general. Of course, I get really excited when he shows an interest becuase this because it's what I'm going to school for-- so I like that he takes an interest. Because I'm not just talking about it from a client's point of view, but from a T's point of view as well.

There are, of course, things about therapy that I would never tell him. I think he knows about my attachment to T, but he has no idea how strong it is. But I am comfortable with that. I don't consider it something that he should know. There are parts of the therapeutic relationship that he should know about, and parts that he should not.

[Lemon]

pink - Thanks for posting this thread. I think it will be interesting to hear other's experiences. In my situation, my husband was going to individual therapy first (2+ years), then we decided to go to couples (1 year) and now I am also in individual (5 mo). So he knew more about therapy than I did. But, I think the pattern my husband and I have is that if we know the other has been to individual therapy then we'll ask how it went and leave it up to the other person to determine how much to reveal about an individual session. Like you, some things I just want to keep private.

"Then my husband told me that he tries to 'distance' himself from a lot of what goes on with my problems and my therapy."

When I first started going to individual therapy my husband said something like that too. Not so much distance, but that I need to work through my issues. It was kind of hurtful and helpful at the same time. I know my husband is there for me, but it is true that I need to find my own way through some of the issues and only I, with the help of my T, can do that. I struggle a lot with how much to tell my husband.

One thing that is funny, is that in a way being able to talk about and joke about our T's is something my husband and I can share and can bring us closer. We'll talk about our T's mannerisms and how they phrase things and wonder about their personal lives (we always joke what it'd be like to have a T as a parent).

[MissCharlotte]

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pinksoil said:
How does (or did-- just trying to include everyone here!) your husband relate to you going to therapy? How much do you include him in what's going on with T?
There are parts of the therapeutic relationship that he should know about, and parts that he should not.

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PS,
Funny you should mention this becaue I was just thinking about this topic myself. My husband sometimes seems weird about my therapy as well. He definitely doesn't understand the attachment, and I have not explained it. There are times when I am thinking a lot about things that have happened in therapy and I like to process externally with my husband. Yesterday, he kind of brushed me off, and I had the distinct feeling that he did not want to hear me mention T again. He changed the subject and I got the message. I know he supports my going and has compassion for my problems but there is a line that he doesn't want to cross. He has said that he is definitely not interested in therapy for himself, so that may be a clue about his reaction. After all, in a marriage when one person is changing the other has to change too, like it or not.

My husband is much like Sisters.

I forgot to mention-- I think my husband has a difficult time understanding my emotional reaction when I come home from therapy. And I can completely see why this would be hard for him. I go to therapy 2x per week so that means 2x per week I am coming home with my emotions completely stirred up. I see T on Fridays, so normally on Friday my husband is geared up for the weekend, excited for us to hang out, and I am in post-therapy mode. Sometimes when I leave T I am in my introspective-mode-- I need to think, process, need time to be quiet, be alone, take a walk. Sometimes I try to maintain that connected feeling by immediately writing in my journal, or reading my books. Sometimes I come home very upset. My husband is very understanding of this as long as I communicate. If I tell him, "My emotions are a little crazy from therapy, I just need some time," he will be completely alright with that. But I am not always great at communicating that... I tend to just get lost within my own thoughts, and go off into my world.... I am working on hard on letting him know things. It really strengthens the relationship and avoids a lot of arguments.

[DePressMe]

My boyfriend, of 6 years, always asks about therapy… I find it hard to explain to him. Explaining it to him makes me sound a little on the crazy side and I don’t want him to worry about me. My T and I have a continuing dialogue from session to session. We often connect things to past conversations and we use a lot of metaphors. Sometime I find myself unable to really explain the metaphors—I understand them and talk with my T. about them, but when I talk with my boyfriend they come out sounding kinda strange. Like my T and I talk about three different aspects of myself and have assigned them the big green person, little red person and little, little blue person. It’s a concept my boyfriend really can’t wrap his head around. If I took the time to really explain all of it I think he would get it—but I feel like some of it is private and I don’t want to share it—that leaves holes and makes it hard for my boyfriend to follow the “story.”

And my boyfriend always gets angry at the people who have abused and neglected me—he can’t understand why I am not angry—I get tired of justifying why I am not angry—every time we talk about therapy I have to say, no I am not angry and then he goes into a speech about how angry he gets…I don’t like to make him angry.

Also, it takes awhile for me to process my therapy. Sometimes I need several days to write about it and think about it before I am ready to share with anyone—my boyfriend always wants to know right away. If I don’t share right away, he just moves on and seems to forget it. I think he assumes I don’t want to talk about it—which is not true—I am just not always ready to talk about it right away.

Things have changed over the last couple months. He just got sober and all our talks have changed. The focus is on him, not me and my therapy.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
How does (or did-- just trying to include everyone here!) your husband relate to you going to therapy? How much do you include him in what's going on with T?

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pink, I'm probably at the opposite end of the spectrum from you. My husband doesn't know I go for weekly psychotherapy with my current T. If he asked or showed any interest, I would tell him. He did know I went for therapy to my first counselor a while back, but never asked about it, and I had no desire to share with someone completely uninterested in my life. I stopped therapy with this counselor for a number of months, and when I started up again with a new therapist I didn't bother to tell my husband. For all he knows, I could still be with the original counselor or not seeing anyone. He has no interest and I am past the point of pushing facts about my life on him in an effort to connect. Dysfunctional? Yep.

I think it is wonderful you and others here are so connected with your husbands that you can share aspects of your therapy with them.

[Lemon]

((sunrise)) I'm sorry you can't share with your husband. I appoligize I don't remember all the details, but I think from things you've mentioned in other posts you are going through a rough time with him. I'm glad you have such a wonderful T and can get the support you need there. Even though my husband is very open about therapy and the like we have significant problems in our marriage (hence the counceling).

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DePressMe said:
I think he assumes I don’t want to talk about it—which is not true—I am just not always ready to talk about it right away.

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This is how I feel all the time. Thanks for putting into words. I have to think about things for a long time before I can share them.

[sunrise]

Thanks, Lemon. ((((Hugs)))) I hope your counseling is a positive for you and helpful to your marriage.

This is an interesting topic, and one I have spent a lot of time thinking about. When I first started going to T 2 years ago, my hubby would always ask how it went, what I talked about etc. Nowadays, it is just something I go to on a Friday and we kind of leave it at that. There are many things that I have shared with T that I have been unable to share with anybody else even hubby. I have had many times when I have felt guilty and very much alone with the fact that I don't share with those nearest and dearest to me. Just lately I've noticed that she (T) has been angling towards sharing with other people in my life, and to be honest its really starting to annoy me. Last week I told her so!! Luckily, I have an understanding husband who never pressures me to tell him what I have been doing in the session.!!! Sorry to ramble on......... Kx