LCM coming to my concert

Nope. The kid and I have never been near each other

No, I want her daughter to have never existed.

I want to eventually be a friend to her because I don't want to see a day where she isn't a part of my life. But I don't know if I can ever do it.

I doubt you will be able to be friends if you want her children (child?) never to have existed. My hope for you is that one day you can really get help to discuss and work through that jealousy to a place of safety and health.

I want to get past my jealousy and eventually be friends or something. I don't think I'd survive without knowing she's there.

I hate it that my T has people in his life that he loves more than me.

By accepting this fact I can't change allows me to be closer to him. I guess that's my only point.

I want you to have the best relationship with LC that you can. Rejecting her daughter will drive a wedge between you. I don't want that for you.

She'd probably tell me she loves me differently. Well she'd say she cares about me differently. I don't want that. I want to be her daughter

I hope that you can get over your jealousy and eventually be friends with your LC. I think having her as a friend (and having separate therapy) might actually be a better solution for you. Until you can get over the jealousy, though, it would be unsafe for her daughter to meet/interact with you. Kids can pick-up on that kind of energy, even if adults don't intend that. So if you ever want to be a part of your LC's life outside of coaching, you have to be able to (eventually) overcome the fantasy of actually being her child-- since that her daughter's place and not yours. That's actually why I agree with you that LC should not bring her daughter to the event if there's a chance she will meet you before/after the performance. Given the reaction that you had when LC came to your workplace to see her daughter's recital, I don't think it would be safe for her daughter to meet you right now. Your response could be unpredictable, and it could affect her daughter. If you had a bad reaction, she also could not ethically explain it to her daughter without breaking your confidentially. I think she could be asking to have a mess on her hands if something went wrong. At this point, it is probably better for her to have strict boundaries and keep you two separate.

More than likely, I'd just start crying. I would never be mean to a 9 year old. But I'd embarrass myself in front of my friends crying randomly.

That's what I mean. If her mom introduced you to her and you started crying, it might scare her. Then, she would probably start asking her mom questions about who you are and why you're crying. She also might think your crying was somehow her fault (children tend to do that). It would just be bad for all three of you. Best to keep you and her daughter separate.

Yes. It wouldn't be her fault. It's mine. Or my parents'. I don't want another hurt 9 year old if I can help it

Crying would not be the best scenario. I've e been around thousands of kids, and I don't believe your crying is going to leave a lasting negative affect on her daughter. I think Sibelius would be wonderful for a nine year old.

But, the issue is your comfort and what you can reasonably handle, growlithing. Can you do your part as to not let your fellow musicians and your conductor down if LCM comes to the concert with her daughter? Will you be at your best? If there is any doubt, you may have to postpone LCM coming to hear you perform. There will be more opportunities.

People have mentioned using this as a session, so her daughter would not have to go to child care. I believe that would be an EXTRA childcare payment. As some said it is a confidentiality issue, but I am dumbfounded when it comes to that statement.

I saw my therapist kid at a lot of concerts. It wasn't always comfortable, and is still not, at least for me, but we all manage. Sometimes, I even sit with them.

Good luck with what ever decision you make. Then go make beautiful music.

Can you re clarify for those of us who follow your post?

I remember you saying that LCM was a licensed psychotherapist in another state, before she moved. Is that correct? She has to jump through a few hoops in your state to get a license.

I know many states make it difficult to get licensed in their state, no matter how many degrees one has or decades of experience. I know of a case in our state where the lady has a doctorate in social work from a very prestigious university and has practiced a few decades. Our state won't license her, unless she goes back to school. She too, will become a life coach! In another case, a lady from a neighboring state with years of experience can not get a license here, unless she returns to school. Poppycock! I hear this time and again.

If this is the case with LCM, good luck to her!

PS: I see your growth.

As far as I know, this isn't true.

The thing is, going to a concert that isn't invitiation only with your child isn't invading anyone's confidentiality. It isn't breaking any form of confidentiality with growli, because growli should be performing. Her daughter wouldn't even likely be aware of the fact that her mom knew someone performing.

When growli ran into the LC before at a different event, it was because growli was working in the stands and wasn't performing.

Besides, LC didn't mention bringing her daughter. Growli asked if she was going to. Chance are she won't, but if she does that's her perogative. It isn't a session, it isn't an interaction between them, it isn't an introduction to growli and the daughter. It's a person going to watch a performance. Unless growli and the rest of the ensemble make a point to go and mingle afterwards (I haven't been to too many concerts, but the only performances of any kind where the people come out and mingle afterwards have been at very small events) then there wouldn't be any interaction outside of LC and growli both being aware that the other is there.

Like yeah, it hurts thinking about seeing someone you don't want to see at something that's important to you. That's totally natural. But it's in no way developing an authentic relationship with someone when you dictate who they can and cannot bring with them to events that they're choosing to attend.

So wait.

LC has been bugging you for an invitation. You invite her, and ask her not to bring her daughter so you -- the performer -- can not be under serious emotional strain. She responds "Sometimes we make sacrifices and suffer."

Um, WTF? She's willing to not only trigger you, but damage your concentration in a professional setting, so she can go to your concert?

How is any of that in any way therapeutic? It sounds like a lot of selfish baloney wrapped in a crunchy shell of LC thinking she knows what's best whether you like it or not. As soon as you invited her and she accepted, it became a therapy-related interaction; that's why dual-relationship is so tricky. If LC and her daughter went to the orchestra without an invitation, they're just members of the public. Once she has discussed it with a client who is performing, she's bound herself to professional ethics. Or at least, she should do so.

I don't know if she'll actually do that. She could just have been trying to be somewhat neutral but via text, it was strange. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow.

I was annoyed when I wrote that she doesn't care about triggering me. She does and she will help to keep that at a minimum. For example, I struggle with ticking clocks. While I was in patient, she actually replaced all of the ticking clocks in the meeting rooms with silent ones because it upset me so much when she was trying to get us to close our eyes and meditate. I would disassociate almost every time.

However, she won't go out of her way to prevent me from dealing with something that upsets me. Trigger wasn't really the right word for me to use. The clock actually triggered me. Seeing her daughter would upset me, but it wouldn't be like an actual trigger. LCM does not want to protect me from having emotions, even if they are negative.

And yes, I would most likely interact with her a little bit. She said she'd like to say hello afterwards if she can.

I'm not at all trying to make you feel like you have to defend LC. I know how deep your feelings for her run. I can certainly understand not shielding a client from negative emotions, that's part of her job.

But not on your professional time. Not when you're onstage. That is your real life, and if she is there at your invitation, she has a responsibility to respect your boundaries and treat you with respect and consent. I think it's a really inappropriate time for her to engage in some kind of exposure therapy. You're worth a lot more than a "deal with it." I just want to remind you that if you're uncomfortable with LC's daughter being there, you have every right to revoke the invitation -- and she is then professionally bound to not attend. Your boundaries and feelings are more important than hers, here.

It's extremely difficult for me to not defend her. I want to rant about her sometimes because sometimes, she upsets and frustrates me. But here is the only place I can do that and people are very kind and love to give their input. Unfortunately, I immediately then spring to her defense because it's kind of like one of those "I can say that about her, but no one else can" things. You didn't say anything that made me feel obligated to defend her.

I would hope that she wouldn't use her daughter in any exposure therapy. That would be pretty messed up. I don't think she would. I think she knows that putting the two of us in the same place right now wouldn't be a great idea because I would have a hard time not randomly crying and confusing her. Idk. We'll discuss it tomorrow I guess

I'd think if you truly love her you'd be accepting of the fact she does have a child. You don't have to love her child but accept the fact? If you love her

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I accept that the kid exists. I don't like that though. I do love LCM. Truly.

Not to sound naive but can't you just have a "sister". Like if you want to pretend your life coach is your mom?

[QUOTE=growlithing;4369483]I accept that the kid exists. I don't like that though. I do love LCM. Truly.[/QUOTE

I think it is a question of maturity. Young kids have hard time when parents get another child (some kids). But you are not a child.

My mom has me and my brother. I understand she loves us both and I never wished it was just me. Certainly wouldn't have such thoughts as an adult. And this is my actual mother.

Now it is ok to feel jealousy or what not but not ok to act on it. Would you at least try to work on this issue? That's what therapy would be helpful for. Unless it is some adult party you can't ask people to not bring their children because you feel jealous. That is unreasonable demand.

You don't have to like it but she does have a child. Sometimes we just have to put up with stuff. When you've met her and wanted her to be your mother you already knew she had a child. Maybe it would be different if it was just you and her but now she had s other kid, but she had her for 9 years!

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Growlithing is really young, she's working hard. It's not her responsibility to rearrange her emotions to fit a therapist who has (sorry Growli) really bad boundary management. Admitting the maternal yearnings and working through them is a huge part of therapy. We all talk about the hard parts of our therapy here.

I think it's perfectly fine to ask your T not to introduce you to her/his family members. I have absolutely no desire to meet my Ts kids/wife. Luckily for me my T would never do such a thing.

I already have a sister that my actual mother loves 600x more than she loves me. She tells her that she's beautiful. The only person who has ever told me that I'm beautiful is LCM and random men on the Internet hoping to get something from me. She told me that she didn't give me the sex talk because my face was "birth control enough". She says that she's so wonderful and hardworking while I'm a lazy accident she wishes she never had. She never hurt her, never locked her in her room. My dad never hurt her and treats her like an actual daughter. Last year while I was struggling to find employment and literally going hungry very frequently, they barely helped me at all but got my sister a ****ing horse. Not to mention the fact that they set up a college fund and a trust fund for her and my brother but not for me. I don't actually care about the money that much because I ultimately want nothing to do with them, but it's just a very strong indicator of the difference.

My sister is also a ***** who is almost 18 but still picks on my 13 year old brother like crazy. She literally abuses him and has abused him all of our lives. When I was younger, she would beat him up and literally scratch him so hard he bled and I'd tell my mother to make her stop but she just laughed it off. My mom would just say that she's a sweetheart and never punish her at all. Now, she just calls him ugly and picks on him all the time. I made dinner for him and was talking to him about his favorite video games a few months ago. The conversation dulled and I looked up from my soup and saw him looking at me. He flinched and apologized for looking at me. I said "dude, you're allowed to look at people. It's okay"
Him: "sorry just [our sister] gets so angry when I do that"

So I don't need another sister that is loved more than me. When she turns 18 and if she ever lays a finger on my brother, to hell with my parents, I won't hesitate to call the police on her disgusting ***.