[Ad Intra]

My old-T used to a bunch of times. It mostly related to self-harm (I would hurt myself and not call her before hand) and being around my abusers (which often lead to self-harm).

How are you defining tough love?

My T's have all been very straight with me, direct, and honest, but I don't know that I would define that as tough love. Just direct, adult, honest care and communication.

They've never made ultimatums. They've never threatened me. They have never withdrawn contact or punished me in any way.

I am unsure of the exact english phrase tough love but my therapist is very loving and very tough on me. She has no problem getting in my face and being very stern and loud to get something through to me. She has no problem yelling back if i yell at her, or swearing and telling me to stop the bull#* . She is very loving as well, more loving than she is tough. It works well for both of us.

[Ad Intra]

Tough love as in "You say you want to get better, and you know what the best route is to keeping you safe, but you don't do it."

[Partless]

Yeah, being more straight to the point, even somewhat confrontational. Also depends on the patient. Some people are very sensitive so therapists don't seem to challenge them. Can backfire. Others might need a little more confrontation or if are in a dangerous situation, perhaps a kind of a wake-up call. A person who was abusing drugs and showing up at his therapist's office high, once had such a session, when the therapist confronted him and was very "real" with him, as he said it. It did not involve yelling at him, using insult, or anything else. Just a kind of intensity, facing reality about consequences of his actions and his failure to do anything to help himself, in a way that shook him up.

[LonesomeTonight]

Not quite the same situation, but mine a few months ago was like, "I know you want validation right now, but I'm not going to give it to you." I know she wanted me to examine why I was feeling how I was feeling, and how I'd contributed to that. But I was at a pretty low point then, and validation was all I wanted. So after that session, I sat and cried in my car in the parking lot. The next week, I let her know how what she said made me feel, and how I felt disappointed and angry at her. She seemed to feel really bad about it (and said she must have misread me). It was actually a sort of turning point in our relationship, because it seemed to break down some barriers. It helped me be more honest with her, too.

[laxer12]

Not really but I don't think she has ever really needed to. Once or twice I've asked her how I'm supposed to react in a certain situation and she blatantly told me that she can't tell me how I'm supposed to react but that's probably as close as she has gotten.

I'm generally a pretty easy client but I could maybe see her using tough love if the situation called for it.

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

Tough love as in "You say you want to get better, and you know what the best route is to keeping you safe, but you don't do it."

Okay. I still just see that as being straight with me. Tough love acquired some rather negative press along the way historically which is why I asked what your take on the term is.

Probably the most direct my T and pdoc have gotten with me was when I needed to make the decision about hospitalization. Always a difficult decision made even more difficult because you aren't able to really think straight. They have had to be very direct with me on those occasions, but I needed that directness to help direct me to a decision for my own safety.

[stopdog]

Such a thing would not work with me. I would tell them to quit or ignore them or see other ones if they tried.

[guilloche]

Hmmm. I think we might be using "tough love" differently.

When I hear "tough love", I think about people (particularly parents) setting consequences for inappropriate behavior (especially with addicts). So, for example, a parent saying, "I love you son/daughter, but if you don't go to rehab, you can't live here anymore."

Most people find that hard, because most people don't want to actually carry through the consequences.

I have trouble seeing how a T could apply this, except maybe in cases where the client is a clear danger to themselves, and refusing to check themselves in for help? Like, if you don't check yourself in, I will be forced to have you hospitalized against your will?

But, it sounds like (as others pointed out) you're just talking about being very honest about things that one might not like hearing.

My T has certainly done that (though he tries to be gentle with it, I think, since I'm pretty hyper-sensitive).

Best example, early on, I wrote a little about some trauma that I am in no way ready to jump into yet. I wanted him to know, so he'd have context for other things I was talking about, and have the full picture.

He misunderstood, and thought that since I gave it to him, I was saying that I wanted to start working on it. When I vehemently protested , he asked me WHEN I wanted to work on it... and I'm pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth was, "Uh, NEVER!"

He very gently, very calmly said to me... in these exact words... "I'm sorry, but as your therapist, I can not support that."

I actually really respect that (but am grateful that he managed to say it in a soft, caring tone of voice). Because it's really hard to tell someone something they need to hear, but that they don't want to hear. I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing for him to say, and I hadn't been coming long, so there was a big risk that it would scare me away.

But, you know what, it actually felt kind of *caring* to me (like he cares enough about my well-being to not take the easy route of saying, "OK, sure, no problem, we can just skip over all that unpleasantness and go back to talking about kittens.")

Not sure if that's what you meant?

[SoupDragon]

"Do you think I would be doing my job if I didn't say these things?"

[dismantle.repair]

Mine did a lot. Especially the worst I got.
It ended up backfiring on her, and she knew it.
She went on to explain she does things that fit the personality of the client she's seeing.
I told her she was misguided.
It's kinda hard for her not to; but she's tried to not do it (it's amusing to me now though)

my T never uses tough love. if she did, i think i'd probably cry

I don't think she has.

[granite1]

I don't think she has ever used tough love on me . if she needs to point out something she thinks I might have a hard time taking in . she seems to have a way of doing it that is not so much tough love . that is not to say I don't react to it badly but it isn't because of tough love

[Jordy]

My T definitely has used tough love on me: In October 2013 she refused to schedule any more sessions until I had applied to any job. She had tried everything else before that, and I would always back out last minute. That day, she was calm but very firm and said she could not enable me any longer to come in every week, but never do any of the work. I was welcomed at the skills group she would start soon after, I could always call if in a crisis, but no session until I had actually done something.
I hate to admit it, but it worked...

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

Tough love as in "You say you want to get better, and you know what the best route is to keeping you safe, but you don't do it."

I guess it would depend on the tone of voice, body language, and other factors...but if my T were to say something like this to me in a stern tone, it would probably shut me down because it would feel like scolding.

My T is very straight forward with me, she's honest, she tells it like it is, but she never scolds or issues ultimatums or tells me what I should do. T will make suggestions if I ask her and she will be a little forceful if she feels my safety is at risk, but I understand it comes from a place of concern and she always remains completely calm.

[stopdog]

I would expect a therapist who though I knew what to do but was not choosing to do it to help me explore why that was if I wanted to know. IT is not their job to try to make me do something or feel bad about not doing something.

[Soccer mom]

I feel like mine does all the time. There are certain things I want her to tell me due to maternal transference and emotional neglect. She has said them once or twice but won't otherwise because she wants me to get them from her actions and not be dependent on her words.

There are many times she has not done something I wanted because, in the end, it would have been a bad idea/fostered too much dependency, etc.

it's hard but I know I won't get stuck in therapy - she's forcing me to grieve what I didn't get or seek it out elsewhere. Otherwise, I would probably have to move in with her...