[Abby]

I'm trying to stop self harming.

But the problem is as part of not self harming, I have to feel emotions. That's actually harder than not self harming. I hate feeling emotions even though clearly I do constantly as it is the reason I self harm.

And speaking to my therapist there is no way around this but to reach my upper limit and survive it, then the next time that limit is supposed to be less high and so on and so forth.

I hate it. I'm seriously hoping after doing this for awhile that therapy starts to help because at the moment it feels like all I'm told is to go away for the wek and feel like crap and survive it - distress tolerance etc. If I was any good at this I'd have already done this years ago! Where are the tools to make the emotions less crap? ....Maybe they come afterwards?

Logically I get feelings won't kill me, in fact what is the worst that could happen - I just will cry constantly and maybe feel like tiny knives are circulating my body...perhaps start screaming at everyone around me?! Apparently I shouldn't disconnect from my feelings too much either - I have to feel them for the stopping self harm part to be worthwhile - but since I feel I have to disconnect to an extent in order to function, otherwise I may start yelling a lot, I'm not entirely sure that'll fit in.

Anyone else focused purely on stopping self harm in therapy? How did you find it and is it worth it? Did you count in days or weeks? What did you do to get through it when it was at its worse?

I'm really not sure. I think therapy can increase the urge whilst the works being done.
Focusing on self harm gives one a better understanding perhaps of why they do it, but that doesn't automatically stop the urge.

I struggle with this myself. I don't really have an answer

[SoupDragon]

It hasn't been the main issue in therapy, but it is an issue. We never focus on the self harm (rarely talk about it), but I can relate to it being very closely linked with my emotions.

I assume the theory is that be engaging in therapy, we deal with the stuff that trggers the emotions and learn to notice them without reacting to them. Mine has improved, but not perfect yet.

I have accepted that it is most likely going to be something I always have in my life. We don't focus on it in therapy because I'm not interested in stopping. I am okay with keeping it in my life. I don't think it is a big deal. Most everyone has some unhealthy coping skill and as long as it doesn't interfere with day to day functioning or get too severe I am not worried about it.

[precaryous]

I discovered self harming when I was ten. I did it off and on through my adulthood.

I was able to stop about twenty years ago: my PrevT (whom I adore) told me that if I did not stop she would not see me any more. I had to decide which I wanted more- PrevT or harming.
I don't think I did it perfectly but I stopped harming.

Looking back, I don't know if PrevT was bluffing. I don't think so. It was manipulative of her, for sure.

I think I coped by leaving many, many voicemails for her describing different hurts and anxieties that I was having...instead of self harming. (This was before I had a computer or email privleges with her.)

A year or so later I tried self harming again..but it didn't do the same thing for me anymore.

I hope this helps you.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm really not sure. I think therapy can increase the urge whilst the works being done.
Focusing on self harm gives one a better understanding perhaps of why they do it, but that doesn't automatically stop the urge.

I struggle with this myself. I don't really have an answer

I'm hoping the urge will reduce. I understand I self harm when my emotions get too much and I want a way out of them. What I dislike is the constant images of self harm that I have to wade through everyday. I'm hoping once I get a few months self-harm free I won't have the urges/needs even when doing therapy work - I wonder if this is unrealistic?

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I assume the theory is that be engaging in therapy, we deal with the stuff that trggers the emotions and learn to notice them without reacting to them. Mine has improved, but not perfect yet.

My therapy is the opposite way around, she won't look at processing the stuff that's causing the self harm until I stop the behaviour. It seems backwards to me, but she seems pretty adamant about it.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I have accepted that it is most likely going to be something I always have in my life. We don't focus on it in therapy because I'm not interested in stopping. I am okay with keeping it in my life. I don't think it is a big deal. Most everyone has some unhealthy coping skill and as long as it doesn't interfere with day to day functioning or get too severe I am not worried about it.

I used to think this too, and I can understand why you feel that way. I don't see self harm as an issue, and I certainly don't think any differently if I knew someone was cutting vs having a drink in the evening. But I've been told that if I don't stop self harming then there isn't much point in doing therapy as I won't be able to process anything. It's like taking a short-cut out of distress. At least that's the reason I'm now focused on it, before I simply wanted to stop as it was a pain having to hide scars, or behaviours.

Originally Posted by precaryous

I discovered self harming when I was ten. I did it off and on through my adulthood.

I was able to stop about twenty years ago: my PrevT (whom I adore) told me that if I did not stop she would not see me any more. I had to decide which I wanted more- PrevT or harming.
I don't think I did it perfectly but I stopped harming.

Looking back, I don't know if PrevT was bluffing. I don't think so. It was manipulative of her, for sure.

I think I coped by leaving many, many voicemails for her describing different hurts and anxieties that I was having...instead of self harming. (This was before I had a computer or email privleges with her.)

A year or so later I tried self harming again..but it didn't do the same thing for me anymore.

I hope this helps you.

This is really helpful thank you! That is a good incentive - quite like mine that I want to move forward and I can't finish therapy unless I stop self harming. I'm a little worried about emailing my therapist as much as I want to. I try not to because I think I'd be irritating, and I don't trust her yet to not get a backlash from it. I feel I need some additional support sometimes, but that might be an excuse. I'm glad you went through the same sort of thing and had the same compulsion - I thought it was just me!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Abby

My therapy is the opposite way around, she won't look at processing the stuff that's causing the self harm until I stop the behaviour. It seems backwards to me, but she seems pretty adamant about it.

Maybe she wants you to develop what she sees as "healthier" strategies so that when you are processing the stuff triggering the SH at the moment (which may increase you emotional response, the SH won't be your coping strategy.

We have practiced other coping strategies, so maybe I am unconsciously using this more than relying on SH.

[ThisWayOut]

has your T given you any alternative coping strategies?
My T's (because I switch often due to financial contraints) have generally tackled the self-harm by dealing with the underlying issues while taking focus off the sh. It seems to work better for me. We also add in other coping strategies as we go. the week before last, T and I worked on visualizing "containment" of emotions and memories. It's not soemthing I am all that good at, so even thoguh I had done it with other T's in the past, we did it again... It's kinda helping... maybe. I'm not sure yet
Other things that have helped have been to be able to journal everything, leave messages for T between sessions (sometimes asking for a call-back, though not often), and trackign the sh urges, reasons, and actions.
The best for me though has been not focusing on the sh. Mine is not at a severely harmful level anymore, so simply noting whether or not it's happening and how often/why is ok. There have been times in the past where this wasn't possible, but at this point it works.
Can you talk to T more about the expectations around stopping, the process T wants to follow, and any way T might be able to help you through this? Sure, distress tolerance is great in theory, but it's ****ing hard has hell in practice. Does deal-making or bargaining work for you? Sometimes I tell myself I need to do X before I allow myself to cut. It'll be something as stupid "I have to color this minion, then I will re-assess my desire/need to cut" and then when that task is up (or time limit), I try another thing to put it off. Sometimes it works, sometimes I end up cutting anyway, but even a few extra minutes can be a huge victory.

Hope you can find a way to tackle it...

[precaryous]

This is really helpful thank you! That is a good incentive - quite like mine that I want to move forward and I can't finish therapy unless I stop self harming. I'm a little worried about emailing my therapist as much as I want to. I try not to because I think I'd be irritating, and I don't trust her yet to not get a backlash from it. I feel I need some additional support sometimes, but that might be an excuse. I'm glad you went through the same sort of thing and had the same compulsion - I thought it was just me!

No, it's not just you.
I should back up and say that PrevT and I worked out the multi voice mail deal where she told me I could leave as many messages as I needed. We worked out how often she would listen to them, which ones she would respond (call me) to and when she would prefer that I called her directly.

This coping strategy helped me. This - or something else- might help you.

I agree with the posters who suggest you talk with your T about other positive coping strategies. My T calls them my "tool box." I call them my "menu." Some things are on the menu, some things are off the menu...sort of thing.

i discovered that when i talk about the feelings that MAKE me self harm, i don't want to self harm because i've got the feelings out. basically you just need some outlet in which to vent/pour your feelings, and mine is therapy. for others, writing works.