Couch 92 Found my shoe

omg- this is totally me. I spent 10 years conforming, and the last two years throwing everything out that was ever taught to me. Is suppose there is a happy medium somewhere?

Speaking of which, kinda - healed, were you unaware of what happened to your brother? And so didnt it look like your mother was favoring him a lot?

Thats what happened to me, and i wonder if it happened to a lot of girls. Healed, i am just still stuck and dumbfounded by your talk with your mom. She was SO blind to what was going on.

Something you need to work on in therapy?

I had no idea that happened to my brother. The reason why my parents knew about my brother was because of the fact that the boy who abused both of us had molested a number of boys in the neighborhood so CID agents showed up at the door specifically asking about my brothers because their names came up. I guess nobody thought anything about me because the rest were all boys. After I told my mom she admitted to overlooking a lot of signs, even while we were sitting there together she was connecting the dots.

t and i talk about this sometimes. i had a couple of relationships with women when I was younger, but since then I married my husband going on 18 years ago, in the last couple years I realized that I am bisexual, I told t after this realization that it could have been either way for me - I just happened to fall in love with a man and we got married. Not to say I never look at women. I do! But, out of all the stuff from my past that I discarded, one thing I kept, I believe in the sanctity of my marriage and it would take a lot for me to discard that. I have periods where I really miss being with a woman. Even though the last time was like 29 years ago (man, I feel old!), I do find myself missing the emotional closeness of it sometimes. Which if I am brutally honest with myself is probably why I am finding it so hard to separate from t - not because I am physically attracted to her, it's the emotional closeness that I feel, that is 'close enough' or something. Wow, I'm sharing a lot here... Anyway I buried it DEEP after my parents found out and that whole lovely situation. But we dug it out in therapy, and it still comes up from time to time. I'm pretty much at peace with it though, I told my husband I'm bi shortly after I 'came out' to t, and he took it in stride and occasionally still points out attractive women to me and asks if they're 'my type' or something. I think I better stop now.

You are SO funny!!!!!

Art- I always say that I married my H because that was the kind of lifestyle that was modeled to me being in my church. I was always attracted to girls, had relations with girls, but was taught that I need to marry a boy. I have spent my whole marriage wishing that I was with a woman, and then admitting that if H and I divorce I will be with a woman. I am just having a hard time actually doing the separating and trying to figure out if where I will be happier.

Maybe thats the definition of a "good enough" mother. A good enough mother would have spoken with you. Youre not that old. Those werent the olden days when people didnt talk about it. Sorry - i'm mad at her! She abdicated her responsibility in a big way. So did mine.

I do feel within myself, that if h and I ever split up, I would be more inclined to pursue a relationship with a woman again. I know now that I would not end my marriage on the off-chance that I might find a woman, though, if that makes any sense. I have done a lot of soul-searching over this because of getting so aggravated with my h over different things in the past year and have figured out that while yes I get aggravated with him, I would get aggravated with ANY partner male or female, that's just being HUMAN. And I still love him, I am still attracted to him, and as long as those two things are still true, I can deal with the other attraction - it's the same thing as if I see another man I find attractive. I'm not going to end my marriage for that either. Ya'all are gonna be sick of me by the time I go to bed tonight. I can't seem to stop posting lol

So I found a shoe couch. Well, a shoe chair:

Not sick of you art. I find your posts insightful.

Ice cream ice cream umyummy yum! Caramel swirl melted to perfection for 20 seconds in the nuker. Oh my. I have not written a poem yet today. (the poem-a-day challenge for national poetry month, don't ya know.) Must go poem. Back shortly!

Just climbed into bed.

New bedtime routine was a success. Baby woke when I went to put her down, but after ten minutes of talking to herself she fell asleep. Here's hoping she doesn't wake me up 4 times again tonight.

Putting baby down an hour earlier also was better for my husband and I. Had an hour of TV together to watch our favourite show and then he went to his cave and I went to my office to sort out my box of goodies.

So it was a decent night. I think if this can continue it will definitely help my mood. Depression is exhausting!

Ellahmae ..... I think you'll like this one.

Good night couch. Healed, I'm too brain dead to respond properly, but thanks for your questions. Art, not sick of you! Waving as I fall out!

there is this ice cream bar (Tillminook?) on a stick that has white chocolate outside, vanilla and lemon gelato on the inside.

I shouldn't eat these things. Someone made bath salts edible!

I'm all keyed up still. I need to shower and go commune with my pillow, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep just yet. That session with t earlier really got my brain churning. Maybe a limerick will use up some of my mental energy:

There once was a t I won't name,
who thought she was on top of her game.
She annoyed me so much
and felt so out of touch
That my session today felt quite lame!

There! I wrote my poem a day for today! I'm still on track.

I like Tillimook cheese... There's a white sharp cheddar one my dad gets in WA and brings to me. Mmm!!

I like this game, Artemis!

There once was a T who was helpful
Until his client turned doubtful
If the patient is stuck
Who gives a ****
T still gets his pay by the handful


(T seemed bored with my stuck-nes this week)

oh no! i don't know what's worse, a bored t or an annoyed t.

welp i'm starting to get yawn-y. maybe i'll be able to sleep after all. funny t rhymes will be playing in my head now. I'm going to go shower and try to get to sleep. I might be back if my brain won't shut up.

I used to own one of those said chairs...

Me, too!

I don't think it is going to be that stopping therapy is not going to have some grief with it for you Art - and it will be different. But some grief as well as celebration over your accomplishments is not a bad thing. I keep wondering if you are trying to wait for the time when there will be no pull at all. And I don't think that is especially realistic to expect it to be like nothing or all okay with no twinges every now and then.

The trouble with throwing everything away, in my experience, is that it leaves a void. It's a perfect 'in' for an abuser. Marrying the stbx was in large part a rebellion - his not being Catholic was a huge deal for my family. And I wanted to make that statement. Of course, as far as he was concerned, that left me 'empty' and a perfect vessel to remake in whatever form he chose. And did he ever. He almost destroyed me.

In terms of sexuality... I identify as bisexual, but I've only explored my sexuality intellectually (story of my life). In my strict Catholic upbringing, sexuality was unacceptable. Sex outside of marriage was a 'behavioral issue' as far as my parents were concerned. Well brought up kids just didn't do it. And if anyone found out! Oh! The shame! You'd be blacklisted forever. I didn't even dare to consider having sex until I had left not just my parent's house, but the country altogether. And when I finally did, it was not about my needs and wants, but an act of rebellion.

As for being attracted to women. See above... I had crushes on women as a teen before I started having crushes on boys. Not sure if it was a maternal thing or not, but I never got to explore it. I never could allow myself to feel it. I would tell myself that I hated those women and treated them horribly... It took until I was nearly 30 to realize and accept that it was same-sex attraction and that it was okay.

So now I'm technically free to explore my sexuality and figure all this out... It should be exiting to have such an opportunity I think, but no. I hate the thought of getting close to someone and then having to make decisions: Is this person for me? Should I stay with them? What if I should be with someone else? What if...? I hate it. I don't want to do it. I don't think I've ever even done dating properly. The idea of it is nerve wrecking... And how does one even date women anyway? And I want to date men too. And is that just weird?

But mostly I just want to be left the f^ck alone.

Whoa. That turned into a novel...