I've had a realization this week. My T. and I talked about trust and I admitted I have a hard time trusting her. I trust that she'll be at the session and it will be confidential. When she asked me why I don't trust her, I couldn't really give a good reason. I decided to read about trust and read that it can be a decision. You can decide that despite the fear, you will trust someone. You take the leap of faith knowing you may get hurt but that you hope you would work through the hurt if it does occur. It also stated that not trusting someone can be a protective mechanism to avoid getting hurt. I guess this is me. When I think about fully trusting her, it scares me. And, I hate this as she is the one person I really want to trust right now.
This led me to thinking why I can't tell her everything. I wish I could just talk and talk no matter the difficulty of the topic. Someone told me that they have trust and abandonment issues with their T. And, that they are afraid if their T. really gets to know them, they won't like them. I dismissed that last sentence because I'm usually a fairly secure and outgoing person. I thought "no, T. likes me". But, the more I think about it I DO think I'm worried if I tell her EVERYTHING, she won't want the relationship. Or, she won't like me as much, etc. And, I hate that I care if she likes me - this is a theme in all my relationships. I don't want anyone mad at me and it's difficult for me to accept that someone wouldn't like me.
These two thoughts have gotten me down this week. I want to trust her and not care what she thinks. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's anything she can say to change it. She can't just say "trust me". She has and it's not that easy. She can't say "I won't judge you" or "nothing will change my opinion of you" because is that really true? Ironically, I guess I would have to trust her that she wouldn't let it change her opinion of me.
Ugh, this therapy stuff is hard. I'm in a phase of thinking the stuff that bothers me the most would go away if I just stopped therapy.