Would u consider a divorced therapist for relationship advice?

Curious...would it matter?

Should it?

My therapist is divorced, but he has been hugely helpful with working on communication issues with my own husband.

It is unlikely that I would know their relationship status, but if I did, it would not matter. But I don't think there is any "should" about it - we all have different things that are important to us. Some people do feel strongly about marriage and divorce, and might find it harder to talk to a T if they knew that s/he had been through a divorce.

That being said, I wouldn't expect a T to give me advice at all, and relationship advice is something I wouldn't look for from anybody, so it would be weird in general to get that.

I don't think it would matter to me. But there is nothing wrong with it being important to you and using that to make a decision if to see them or not.

I would not look to any of them for actual advice - but I don't think whether one of them was divorced or not would matter. Staying together is not always the goal nor is it advisable so one could look at a divorced one and say that they learned to take care of themselves. Although I don't go to the ones I hire for relationship anything - they are both divorced. So was the first one I ever saw back in my 20s. And the one I saw for just a very few months had gone through several lovers.
It makes more sense to me than people who go to priests.

It doesn't matter. Why would it be any better than a married one who is possibly stuck in a bad relationship? Maybe the divorce was what was best for them.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't - it has to do with personal values and since I wouldn't be comfortable asking the T to disclose why they were divorced, I'd rather stick with someone who knows the trenches and is still there.

That'd be my preference :: shrugs ::

What if they are divorced and remarried? Does that make a difference? The two I see now are both remarried. The first one I ever saw (when I was in my 20s) told me she only got married to have children and that the ex husband (also a therapist) knew that when she agreed to marry him and she was his second wife.

I'd think that if the therapist is decent and has good boundaries (doesn't project his/her baggage on you), it shouldn't make much difference.

sure... If my gut feeling (now more finely attuned...) sensed this person is a decent human being

Questions like this kind of go back to that idea of therapist as teacher vs role model. Or idea that if your method is so good, how come it did not work on yourself? Like a pimple-ridden dermatologist, an obese nutritionist, a bankrupt financial adviser, an addicted addiction therapist, or a lawyer who has been often having trouble defending himself in court.

All this is further complicated by the fact that we know so little about our therapists. Maybe your wonderful therapist was married to a true biatch! Maybe your therapist was forced to marry a guy in an arranged marriage (e.g. as do some Indians, Africans, Orthodox Jews) and now she's finally in a situation she can divorce? Maybe your therapist finally came to conclusion that he is gay?

Though often the answer is none of the above, it's not a single thing, it's less extreme, just your regular human imperfections. It's the reality that therapists don't have the same level of objectivity and distance in their personal life. Because they can't. Due to stresses of family and work a therapist might overeat, they might develop obsession and even addictions, forget to take care of themselves, get depressed and anxious. Some have unresolved emotional issues with their parents. Between stresses of work and home, some even get burned out.

Yet in the session we don't know these. We're left trying to guess. More importantly, we don't know to what degree these factors do (if at all) influence their work with us in the session. Keep in mind, just cause you don't see anything wrong with a therapist, does not mean they're perfect either. They might have a crappy marriage even if not divorced. Which is why, in my opinion, it's best to go to a therapist who seems to have it together in the area we need help. Many therapy techniques won't work if you don't really believe in them. Having too many doubts is counterproductive. So it might be good to change therapists for our own peace of mind, but also not necessary to horribly judge the therapist we left. We just don't know what's going on in their body and in their person life.

A divorced therapist would probably know some of what you're going through if your own relationship is struggling. It might be a benefit in some ways.

I probably wouldn't mind.

I believe my T is on her third marriage. I originally came to her due to issues within my marriage. I do not judge. She has given me very good advice in that area.

We're all good at giving other people advice without following it ourselves. I'm sure Ts are no different. I wouldn't care if she's been married a dozen times... I wouldn't let it affect me too much.

He who represents himself as his own lawyer has a fool for a client is a not completely inaccurate saying.

There are many reasons to get divorced and staying married does not mean it is healthy or a good idea always even if a therapist does it.

I don't think being divorced is a reflection on a person's character so it doesn't matter to me. I know people who decide to stay married for practical reasons but emotionally might as well be divorced. Marital status itself doesn't tell you about someone's behavior.

Yes I would. People change and we don't control how our partners change. I wouldn't automatically fault a therapist for his/her failed marriage.

I know many people who stay in awful marriages. It doesn't make me to respect them more than people who got divorced. I never think staying in bad marriage is better than being divorced

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Yes. I know therapists who are divorced and they're good therapists. I would also actually prefer a therapist who got away from a relationship that was no longer healthy or goo for him/her, to a therapist who were staying in unhealthy relationships for the sake of the past. Personally I've never divorced (haven't even married) but I really don't think that a therapist's divorced or other marital status says that much about his/her therapy skills.

I don't really go to my therapist for advice and when she does give it, it tends to be in a pretty vague and non-directive way (eg today she said maybe it would be worth scheduling some fun and down-time for myself to help feel less depleted). I don't think I could stand it if she told me how to go about my marriage.

It's a pretty bad therapist who is a) deeply attached to the outcome of your marriage and b) cannot separate their experience of getting divorced or staying married from the client's circumstances. I would leave if they were communicating to me that I should make the same choice that they did.

I know my therapist is currently married but I don't know if she's ever been divorced.

Generally speaking, therapists are not supposed to give a relationship advice, so if you mean just exploring your relationship in your individual therapy or doing a couple's work with a divorced therapist, yes, I would consider. Being divorced doesn't necessarily mean you are not good at dealing with relational problems, as divorce is not necessarily a relationship failure, it may be a good thing in terms of personal growth. It all depends on what was happening, how the divorce proceeded and what lessons were learned.

So, yes, a divorced therapist may be just as good at couple's work as a married one.

But I do understand the concern. Sometimes it does happen that a divorced therapist may still be struggling to process their divorce and hasn't yet made peace with it. In such cases, therapist often has an unconscious (or not so unconscious) agenda for his or her clients and they push their agenda sometimes implicitly, sometimes explicitly and aggressively, and this is not good. I've seen such therapists and they are doing great disservice to clients IMO. They are projecting their personal issues on clients instead of helping them to clarify their issues.