My ex-T used to sometimes gaze at me with what I think of as a 'therapist's gaze'. I once tried to google it but nothing much came up, I have wondered if there have any been any research articles written about it. I found it helpful. I'm wondering if my new T will use that gaze. I'm curious about what other people make of it and how many T's use it?

Hmm. T's not much of a gazer I guess, so I'm not sure what you are describing. He's more of a "What the heck is going on here, Chris?" kind of guy.

[brillskep]

What do you mean by therapist's gaze?

My therapist does sometimes look at me very warmly and attentively and protectively. But I've had other people in my life who cared looking at me in similar ways.

[stopdog]

I put other. I don't think the therapists do it. But I can't imagine I would do it even if the woman tried to do it. But even the second one does not try to do it as far as I can tell. I am not much of a gazer so I can't really say if either of them are. I pretty much don't look at the first one at all unless I am angry with her.
I would not engage in gazing activity with either of them unless I knew what they were trying to get at by doing it at me.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Yes, I'm very curious - what is this gaze like? Can you describe it? My t gazes at me constantly with empathy, but not sure if this is what you mean?

Originally Posted by brillskep

What do you mean by therapist's gaze?

My therapist does sometimes look at me very warmly and attentively and protectively. But I've had other people in my life who cared looking at me in similar ways.

I'm not quite sure how to describe it, maybe someone else will be along who will describe it better as it has been talked about on here. Kind of a long intense period of eyecontact, maybe with warmth and caring. I might liken it to a mother looking into her young babies eyes.

[feralkittymom]

Eye contact was difficult for me. But I think I know what you're referring to. For me it was the sense of being seen while creating a palpable sense of openess, acceptance, and space to be. If I had to translate it into a verbal message, it would probably be, "I'm here and will be here."

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'm not quite sure how to describe it, maybe someone else will be along who will describe it better as it has been talked about on here. Kind of a long intense period of eyecontact, maybe with warmth and caring. I might liken it to a mother looking into her young babies eyes.

In that case, yes. My t has that sory of eye contact with me most of the time. It is a very rare occasion where she does not.

I don't know. The thought of anything like that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

[JaneTennison1]

Everytime I look up she's always looking at me. The care and warmth is too much to bear sometimes.

I think also we were silent at the time.

[stopdog]

There has been a lot written about oxytocin and looking into the eyes of another - recently I have been reading about it with dogs.

[magicalprince]

Me and T spend 90% of sessions in direct eye contact and it never feels much like a gaze, just being polite except when we go silent but keep staring.

My former T definitely gazed though, it wasn't so intimate so much as it was like she was off in her own little world looking at me, and having these funny little detached smiles

[rainbow8]

I said "other" because my T and I have a lot of eye contact, but it doesn't feel like a prolonged therapeutic gaze. She looks at me all of the time, and I try to maintain eye contact because I feel so good when I do. Usually she has me close my eyes at times during the session, like when I'm holding her hand. She wants me to "go inside" and tell her what I'm feeling and where. I can relax more when my eyes are closed, but I like to look into her eyes too. It's comforting but a little scary to know she's so attuned to me! I can tell she's not faking her caring about me.

[laxer12]

My T definitely looks at me like that and I like it because it makes me feel like she really cares and is really listening to me. I don't think I've ever had someone in my life who looks at me that way and it really means a lot to me. I'm still not 100% comfortable with it because when we make eye contact for prolonged periods of time (for me that's about 4-5 seconds...) I feel like I'm letting her see inside me. I put up a lot of walls with people so when that happens it feels like the wall is completely down and it makes me feel vulnerable. It took me about 4 months to be able to hold eye contact for more than 2 seconds and I still remember the first time it happened. I don't know if she thinks much of that moment but it was a turning point for me.

I also love it whenever I'm thinking/talking and not looking at her and I look up and she is looking at me. Once or twice a session I'll look up and she is gazing down like I do when I'm listening or talking about something difficult. That kind of bothers me but I don't blame her if I haven't made eye contact for the last five minutes.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'm not quite sure how to describe it, maybe someone else will be along who will describe it better as it has been talked about on here. Kind of a long intense period of eyecontact, maybe with warmth and caring. I might liken it to a mother looking into her young babies eyes.

Yes. My t does that. I've never thought about it much before but now you've described it like that, I wonder if she's mirroring like a mother/child.

[nervous puppy]

I put "other" because I don't see her looking at me, I feel her looking at me. It seems more of a "I'm here and all my attention is on you" look to me. I rarely make eye contact unless she's the one talking.

Stopdog: I'll have to look into that eye contact with dogs that you mentioned. Mine shepherd sometimes has a "I love you so much mom" look...gosh I love that giant hairball of mine! Then again, maybe the look is "Moooooohm, when are you going to take me to Dairy Queen!!!"

[musinglizzy]

I said yes. But with my T, I think she gazes at me quietly, studying me, trying to get a feel for what I might be thinking or feeling. I have a hard time articulating things sometimes. I also don't hardly look at her during my sessions, but I can tell when she's staring at me...but I know it's just her watching me, trying to understand and figure me out.

Originally Posted by stopdog

There has been a lot written about oxytocin and looking into the eyes of another - recently I have been reading about it with dogs.

I haven't heard of this - is looking into the eyes linked to a release of oxytocin?

Originally Posted by laxer12

My T definitely looks at me like that and I like it because it makes me feel like she really cares and is really listening to me. I don't think I've ever had someone in my life who looks at me that way and it really means a lot to me. I'm still not 100% comfortable with it because when we make eye contact for prolonged periods of time (for me that's about 4-5 seconds...) I feel like I'm letting her see inside me. I put up a lot of walls with people so when that happens it feels like the wall is completely down and it makes me feel vulnerable. It took me about 4 months to be able to hold eye contact for more than 2 seconds and I still remember the first time it happened. I don't know if she thinks much of that moment but it was a turning point for me.

I also love it whenever I'm thinking/talking and not looking at her and I look up and she is looking at me. Once or twice a session I'll look up and she is gazing down like I do when I'm listening or talking about something difficult. That kind of bothers me but I don't blame her if I haven't made eye contact for the last five minutes.

I also wasn't comfortable with it for a long time. I wondered if there are people who sit in silence and gaze for long periods of time - maybe even a whole session? My ex-T mentioned sitting in silence with a client for an entire session.

[stopdog]

Eye contact leads to increase in oxytocin level dogs and their owners | Maine News Online

http://www.wikihow.com/Affect-the-Biochemistry-of-Love

I can't figure out how to link the stuff I can get to in journals - so here is some pop stuff on it.

[pbutton]

Yes. The last time he did this I automatically bellowed "WHAT?!?" in a very petulant tone. Apparently this is an area in which I could do some work.

One of the things I miss the most about my t (haven't seen her in person in 2.5 years!) is that warm, caring "I'm completely present for you" look in her eyes. She's supposed to be in town in 2 weeks, and I will have one last in-person session as we transition to as-needed appointments. I so can't wait to actually see her again!!!

[Lauliza]

I must be strange but when I get that long "therapist" gaze I find myself irritated. Warmth is great of course, but there's a point where it becomes too much for me and it turns me off. I'm not sure what it is, but I think I find it a little patronizing. It also probably means that the person is a little too touchy-feely for my liking. It reminds me of the "therapist voice" that also drives me nuts.

Painful at times to see, yet it was always sustenance for my soul. Therapy has been over for almost two years, but it is those remembered moments that penetrate my being in pensive moments and gives me great sighs of relief.