AGONY/No choice but to terminate?

I have been crying for days and I don’t know how I will go on without T. I’m finally terminating after his continuing cancellations, being late (he always made up late time, but still), forgetting to call me when we had a phone session and on an on. I wrote about this here a year ago when I was already at my wits end, and nothing has changed. http://forums.psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/331046-getting-very-confused-re-boundaries.htmlWhat would happen is that there would be several weeks in a row where he would cancel or forget, or get the appointment mixed up and I would raise a huge fuss. For the most part, he would always make excuses, tell me that I need to learn how to let others be human, that my strong reactions were from my fears of abandonment when I was a child, etc. Sometimes I he would seem angry that after all the time we worked together, I should just trust him.

I swear, I worked so hard to give him every benefit of the doubt and really examine if the problem was me and my overreacting. Usually after I raised hell, he would then be better for 6 or 8 or maybe 12 weeks and then it would start happening again. Earlier this year, he cancelled a Thursday session and we set up a weekend call. He forgot. He did the exact same thing the following week. This last Thursday, he cancelled the afternoon before - no apology, no checking to see if I would be ok, nothing. I finally made an appointment with another therapist and told T i’m terminating. Next week is our last session and part of me just wants to postpone, maybe ask for a few months, etc, but part of me knows this is what I have been doing for years.

I saw T for over 4 years and he has been there with me through the toughest times in my life. He helped me through the death of close family member, the end of several toxic relationships, problems at work and generally problems in trusting others. Due to a neglected and abused childhood, I never trusted or really truly loved anyone, until he taught me how. He responded to texts, emails and if I really needed an extra session, he would accomodate me if he could. I have felt deeply in love with him and he very gently handled my transference, so now I feel like I can start talking about it and working through it. I still have a ways to go - I’m working through my childhood trauma and relationship with my mom, and working to make changes in my current relationships (letting people in, trusting them). I have certain life goals that I have always thought I was not good enough to ever accomplish and I’m almost to the point where I might be able to try, but I still feel like I need support and encouragement. I just dont believe that there can be another T out there who could help me like he did and spend all that extra time responding to my texts and calls.

I work really hard in therapy and I wish there was something more I could have done. I am devastated and alone and in pain. I don’t know if I will ever find a T as half as good as he was (when he was there). I also wonder if I’m doing the right thing and whether staying with him I would be better off. I could use any thoughts, support or guidance anyone may have.

I can understand how painful this is for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You know in your heart what you need to do, as hard as that will be. You need and deserve a reliable T. in order to continue to make positive changes. You need safety and security. It sounds like T. has been wonderful, and has played a profound role in your life. You will cherish him and hold him in your heart forever, I'm sure. He cannot be replaced, but know there are a lot of awesome T's out there. I hope you allow yourself to find one.

I think trying a new one is a very good plan.

This therapist was obviously very good at some things.and this person helped you through a season of your life when you needed it. But it sounds like his purpose in your life has been served, and it is time to move on. Endings are so hard. I'm sorry.

This may be true, but what is so heartbreaking is that I feel like we had such a great relationship and so much more to do. Hopefully with time I will see it like you said, though.

I am no expert on endings, but from what I've read on here it seems that the ending is the most important part of therapy. I wonder if you would be better off doing a longer ending than just one session? Maybe it could help you to be left with more positive feelings about the relationship?

I'll think about this. I wish I knew a good way to end things - do I work out my anger before I go, or do I cut things off and work out things with my next T?