[Story_revolution]

So I’m a seriously ill young woman, I have a rare disease that is possibly the first of its kind. It leaves me in crippling agony throughout my body and I have issues with almost all of my organs as well as losing a lot of my mobility and having to use crutches and a wheelchair. Anyway I’ve been in therapy for around a year to a year and a half with a really nice woman. I’ve been struggling with depression since I’ve been ill and have a lot of issues with talking about my general illness but mainly my emotions and getting across what goes through my mind. We’ve been working a lot with my feelings and have made some progress not much but some. Anyway we get along really well and she’s very encouraging. She knows I’m struggling but I don’t think she understands how much. I prefer to keep everything to myself to protect the people around me and as a result of that I’m struggling to tell my T something that I know she would be disappointed in. For a couple of months I’ve been having thoughts about dying and not wanting to live and fight anymore. I wouldn’t class myself as suicidal, I’ve just been having thoughts about death and having all my physical and mental pain dying with me and all that sort of stuff. I don’t believe I’ll act on the thoughts at all, but I do know that I should tell my T, but I don’t know how, and I’m terrified of the reaction that she’ll give me. So if anyone can possibly give me any suggestions as to how I could approach the subject, or whether or not I should or shouldn’t tell her.
(ps I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place I literally only just joined)

[kaliope]

i think that your feelings/thoughts of welcoming death are perfectly natural for the space you are in. i do not believe that t will be disappointed in you or that she will be shocked to find out that you are feeling this way. i have to tell my own the same thing on thrusday. and i have nowhere near the reasons to be thinking of it like you do. you may start by discussing your feelings toward your situation. i imagine that you feel overwelmed and hopeless and due to these feelings you are thinking that death can bring an end to all your struggles. you can express that you are finding it difficult to want to fight anymore. you can even tell her that you question if she understands the level of pain you are in. that would be a good way to start. but again, i want to stress, that what you are going thru is perfectly natural. take care

[Perna]

Discussing death and suicide is not the same as being suicidal. Like kaliope says, I do not think your therapist will be disappointed, upset or frightened. I think the sharing with her can help you with the burden some. You will no longer have to wonder or fear what she might think and feel, you will know. A lot of my mind sometimes gets clogged up with worries about other people but they are not mine to worry about; I cannot know about other people other than what they tell me, the rest if all my imagination based on my own background and experiences. When I discuss things with another person, I can drop all that worry and excess imagining and use that energy to better work with myself.

When I told my T I was self harming, I first explained why I did it and ended with "and that's when/why I hurt myself". That way you start with something 'easy' to tell and it doesn't come out of nowhere when you say it, the way it would if you'd say "By the way I've been thinking about death a lot lately".

I agree with the other people that replied that it's unlikely your therapist will be disappointed.

You can also start with something like "I'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me if I tell you this" or "I'm afraid of how you will react to this". For me, saying something like that makes it easier to say what I'm struggling to.

Most likely your T will applaud you for your courage.

[Ad Intra]

Hearing about suicidal thoughts is pretty routine for Ts. More than likely if your T is as nice as you describe her then she'll be glad you told her. If you are struggling to tell her start off with "There's something I need to say, but I'm having a hard time doing it" Or write her a letter telling her what you just told us.

[divine1966]

Please do share with your therapist as she might be able to help you with things

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Story_revolution]

Thank you everyone! There are some really helpful suggestions and I'll definitely try them out. I have am appointment in 2 weeks time, hopefully I'll manage to tell her. Thanks again!