[SecretGarden]

I have a big history in my adolescence of my dad seeing me in the basement monthly and telling me my faults in order to get allowance and to get steered right in life. I used to cry through most of those til I finally asked my dad if there was anything he liked about me. Then he was befuddled and we never met like that again. The room sits emply now but it still has ghosts when I go in there.

The last couple of sessions in therapy my pdoc has confronted me alot and it has been difficult. i have seen him for a long time but he has hit a frustration point or trying to hit something home in me. It is working...

I go back this morning. I am wounded... and have spent this week off keeping busy...trying to put things in perspective. He is right...and I am not feeling too swell about myself.

I am going in actually in the hour so this post is rather late for help but I am already crying and afraid of going. It is like I know I need to go there. I will try to let him know I need to have a break today. Perhaps I hear others talk of wanting a nap in there... this would be a good day for that.... though I do not think it will happen.

((SG))

[MissCharlotte]

((((((((Secret))))))))

You can do this, you are such a wonderful person. Try telling your pdoc (your dad) about your positive character traits instead. Let me remind you about them from what I have observed: you are warm, caring, a good friend, insightful, helpful, thoughtful. You have deep concern for yourself and others.

We all have faults, it's unfortunate you had to dwell on some or even make them up to get allowance. Oh what a mess they left us in, didn't they?

Oh, it doesn't sound like a nap day but you know I love that fantasy. I wish I could do it right now myself, but I have to get the day going and wake my son up for school. I too am lower than a snake's belly today.

Love ya, be good to yourself, you can do this.

[SecretGarden]

Thank you both...

Not wishing for a day.

Sister.. hope you feel better...

[RACEKA]

I talked with my sponser last night. She wants me for the entire month write down each day a positve attribute about myself. It will be hard. She also told me whenever I look into the mirror tell myself I'm a good person.

Because we cannot accept ourselves, we expect to be rejected by others. We don't allow anyone to get close to us, because if they really knew us they would hate us. To protect ourselves we reject others before they can reject us.

If we have sell-acceptence we no longer have to look for approval of others because we our satisfied with ourselves.

If only I could have self-acceptence.

[SecretGarden]

Today... I went and I am better than the last two weeks. Not easy but I am here...

I spoke to him about getting in my face and we both know the similarity between him and my dad.

We spoke also of trust issues and I tell him that I trust him most of anyone but still not all the way. He says that is o.k.. He also talks of how I could not trust my parents to take care of me and nurture me and how critical, etc... so that will be with me forever. I need to just be more aware of that.

I have always felt like a piece of s___ and have verbalized that repeatedly over years of therapy. I do not say that as much but he also told me today that that too will remain with me for life such that I really do not believe it when others speak well of me. I would like to get rid of that but... it is there in certain areas of my life.

Much to work on and ways to counteract myself.

My cats keep me feeling loved...one just jumped in my lap.. and that helps with hugs for both of us.

I did get some positive today... along with reality. I need both.

And yes I do expect to be rejected by others... in many avenues of my life and this is indeed the crux of alot of what is going on. I do not allow others close enough personally or professionally.

More work to do....

Thanks Raceka for your thoughts...

I also put notes on my computer and also when setting up passwords use words that remind me of my current goals or yes a positve attribute I have or want. It helps to remind me and keep me centered or focused.

So ... today is better...emotionally though a bit drained right now. Not regressed at the moment.

[lauren_helene]

(((secret)))

I haven't met you but can tell that you are an incredibly sincere and thoughtful person.

I'll give you some examples. Speaking for myself here, you have helped me incredibly and even when you are feeling bad yourself. That makes you a thoughtful, caring person.

I've seen several of your posts to others. You might not have time to read the entire post and comment and you say so. You always remember to come back to that poster later. That is a thoughtful and caring person. That is you.

I'm here for you. My boss is gone for today and tomorrow. We can PM if you'd like.

[MissCharlotte]

Secret,
So glad you made it through the session in one piece. It's so hard when we face our parents and crap they handed us. I don't know about you but I m always exhausted after therapy (I went Tuesday evening and could have slept al day yesterday) and feeling who knows what (like I did this morning). I went out after my son went to school and walked 3 miles. Now I feel better, I guess I got those endorphins going or something.

I hope the rest of your day is peaceful.

[SecretGarden]

Thank you both. You are both so thoughtful. I am a bit pooped and considering water aerobics before errands this afternoon. Also considering a nap...lol... but will try to avoid that.

Good going on the three mile walk. That could kill me. lol.. But I do plan to do more walking. I do feel better when I do water aerobics or swimming.... and relaxed.. I am off soon...

[Soidhonia]

(((((((((((((((((SG)))))))))))))))))
Sorry Sister just took the words out of my mind. I am glad that you are objective in your therapy and are so honest about how you feel with your therapist. I hope things start turning into more positive seesions as time goes along from being able to establish boundaries for yourself. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

Secret... you always provide me with amazing insight... I consistently read your posts and say, "Hey! I never thought about it that way before!" So even if you feel bad, I think you're awesome-- so what else would matter?? Haha, sorry, bad humor. Seriously though, I hope you are feeling better.

[SecretGarden]

Thank you Soidhonia... It is nice to meet you. I do try to be objective as I know that I will benefit in the long run. Today was indeed a big day with honesty from both sides....We are always honest to the best of my knowledge (unless I am fooling myself..who knows) but lately there have been lots of explanation points. :-)

I also hope things will be more positive as time goes along and that we both stay the course.

[SecretGarden]

Thanks Pink...That means alot to me. I kind of feel like these kind of actions are basically my purpose on earth. I do like to help others as I can. I have done much work... like you are doing now.

I am feeling better I think. I went to water aerobics and have done errands..... so I feel productive...and that helps me to feel better.

Thanks Pink. I hope you had a nice birthday....and got some new shoes. or something good.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
Secret... you always provide me with amazing insight... I consistently read your posts and say, "Hey! I never thought about it that way before!"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



You definitely make me think and re-think. So do many others here too. I guess it is like part two of our therapy sessions eh? We have our individual sessins and then we come on here and have our group sessions every day in between!

[SecretGarden]

It is such an opportunity to be able to work things through here. I do like the forward movement here and how people are working on their own schtuff.

Thanks Almeda and thanks everyone for helping me through today.

xoxo

[sunrise]

I know what you mean about feeling emotionally drained after the session, SG. Therapy can be really intense. Sometimes I come home after T and just don't want to talk to anyone, like I'm not capable, and I feel I will lose the therapy if my state is interrupted. Anyway, I'm glad you made it through today--sounds like some good work.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My cats keep me feeling loved...one just jumped in my lap.. and that helps with hugs for both of us.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Ahhhhh... My two kitties are very comforting to me also. When I was at my most depressed, one cat would come lie right by my head all the time, and sometimes he would reach one paw out and put it on my shoulder and look at me, as if to say "I'm here." Animals know when you are feeling bad.

[SecretGarden]

Thank you Sunrise...

I too feel often like I just need to ....be.... with the journey. I understand. I also seem to intermittently ...be... at times during the week while I continue to put it all together and disect it...and put it back together.

I look forward to bed before long and having my boys...(Sunny and Cloudy) in bed with me. We have enjoyed our time on vacation and yes.. I think have been working on soothing each other.... They do know...

Thanks...