Couch 94 - Blowtorches R' Us

I'd love that, art! I think it would be good for me to get back into the kitchen again. One day, maybe.

more death-related discussion

Eulogy

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That's a much better word. Ha. I have mushy brains lately....

I'm already starting to feel scared and T-less, even though I have seven sessions to go before his holiday starts. I wish I could just hibernate through summer.

Mast, is there anyone you could see in the interim? He's going to be gone for 8 weeks, right? That's an awfully long time... Could he recommend someone?

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I can relate mastodon 3 weeks and counting. After a month how does one just pick up where we left off! So much was left unsaid and now this separation! I feel abandoned and afraid. The depression is getting worse and intrusive thoughts are hard to fight! I did tell my H so I don't do anything dumb.

I love home made noodles,pasta. in fact I was quite spoiled being raised in an Italian family as far as food goes. However the sane person who used to force feed me now humiliates me every time we take a meal together! Ironic. It's ok to hurt me but don't mess with my kids mom.

Nine weeks, actually. I don't think it is possible but yeah, I have thought of asking him. But then, I don't know how meaningful it would be... what could I talk to an interim T about? Do you have any experience of stopgap Ts?

Well no secret that i love to hear myself talk. But when i first started seeing my current pdoc, he was still in school, so he often brought trainees into my sessions (which were also t, not just med checks). I found it enlightening to see how other ts approached things, now that i had a better sense of what was going on. Their questions also just plain made me think.

As for the eulogy - dang, girl, how can you read science fiction and then be so... so... earthly?! t

I don't have any experience of stopgap Ts, but I do know it's possible to forge an emotional connection in a relatively short period of time.
It could well be pretty meaningful - though if nothing else you'll have someone to share your (temporary) loss of T with, which, I think, is the main issue here.
I think you should ask him Mast. Why put yourself though a painful summer dealing with loss and abandonment (yes, not real I know, but still very real at the same time...) when you could very well have someone to help you through it?

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H only has three weeks off this summer, I think, so that will make this summer very much easier. And I am going to have to work quite a lot, too. It will probably be ok. As long as I stay away from PC when I am feeling low.

Will you ask him anyway Mast? I know I'd have a hard time getting through 9 weeks without my T, and I don't have a H to worry about anymore. You deserve some support through that time - I would say you owe it to yourself, you've been working through some hard stuff. I suspect your T would agree... Do you at least have someone you can talk to when you're feeling low?

Sometimes, in therapy, I feel like the whole message is just to get the F over myself. Which is probably good advice, but difficult to implement.

I've found stopgap therapy really helpful. No, it's not like having the established relationship with someone who knows my whole history, but I've found I still benefit from the validation and having a space to say anything. It's also just good to know that I have a resource in place. And while this therapy might not be as depth-oriented, it's very helpful for anxiety and other symptoms, partly just because I can vent freely and safely, also because the T can help me with suggestions and exercises we can work through together. And although the fit isn't as good as with my established T, it's still good to be in the presence of someone who really wants to help.

Nine weeks is a LONG time!

I would find stopgap useful I think - but I go in to tell them things I can't tell other people -right now mostly about my reactions to the illness of another and the insane ways hospitals and their personnel treat sick sick people - so knowing me is not really required.

I have felt like that from time to time as well, Salmon.

I am feeling like I am SO not done with therapy at the moment, even though t told me recently that I don't need "therapy" anymore, that what we'd been doing for the past while up until last month when we stopped, was more like "mentoring". But right now this moment, knowing that I cannot say something to my husband that NEEDS to be said, I think she might have been wrong. It's this whole house thing - my h wants to move, I don't have a problem with that per se, when it comes to the house itself I am excited too, I love it and I totally see myself living there, but I have niggling doubts/bad feelings about the mortgage, mostly because it seems like the mentally healthier I feel, the more problems I see in my marriage, and the thing that needs to be said to my h is this: "As you answer all these 'what if's,', you're leaving one out, what if I leave you? Then what?" But I keep choking on the words.

Thank you for letting me get that out.

(((Art)))
If that's the only thing bothering you re: the mortgage I would go ahead and not worry too much about it. Financial stuff can easily be worked out in a divorce settlement, if it comes to that. For now, enjoy your house (and maybe consider couples therapy? )

True enough. Thanks Shakey for putting perspective on this. Actually, I have wanted to do couples therapy for awhile now.... the one time I asked him if he would go with me, he vehemently refused and sulked for days. So I haven't brought it up again. Perhaps it is time.

Yeah, grow together or grow apart... It's the way of these things...

On a brighter note, I came straight home from work and cooked, which always cheers me up. I made spaghetti (which is almost gone already once Moose (my son's nickname at school) got a whiff of it. And a pot of rice & beans; I added some beef bullion and cumin powder while they were cooking and they came out really good. I used some lentils, great northern, and pinto beans. Yum!

I need to get a comfy chair for myself. My kids are hogging the couch.

Interesting. I wonder if thats why he is pushing for the house. Hes doing instead of talking. Wont your kid be going to college shortly? Maybe you can get him to see the value of getting things talked out first. My accountant had a bachelors in psychology, find somebody with dual training?

hankster, THANK YOU. I didn't say it before, but in my most secret part of my heart and now that you put it into words, I think maybe that is exactly what I am worried about.... that he is pushing it cuz he's afraid that I am growing away from him... my saying this stems from not long ago out of the blue one night he said "I don't know what I'd do without you." Is he afraid of losing me?? Does he somehow sense what I have been thinking lately?? Does he want this nicer house, that he knows I love, to make me want to stay?? I really need to grow a pair and talk to him about this already. It does seem like in the past 6 months in particular we do not talk hardly at all - the tv is on ALL the time and he changes channels at every commercial so there is never an opportunity for me to say anything. When I've tried to voice my concerns about the house, he gets upset. The few times I have talk-talked - it's been during the night when we're both awake for some reason. You and Shakey are both right on the mark. I need to TALK to him, and pronto. Thank you again for saying that. I needed to hear that it wasn't only a hidden thought in my secret heart but a might-be-truth. We've been married for almost 18 years.... I don't know why I can't say what I need to say.