[musinglizzy]

I've always wished I'd have a dream that I remember about my T. I think we can be so real, so unguarded, in our dreams, and I wanted to know how I really felt. I'd thought about quitting, and hoped I'd get my answer in a dream. It never happened.

I've only slept 2 hours so far tonight, but enough to have a very vivid dream that I remember (which is unusual). In my dream, I went to let the dogs out in the middle of the night, and as I did, I saw someone walking around in the darkness outside. I put the dogs in then was going to go back out, but by the time I got back out to the service door in the garage, the person was already standing there. It was my T. To shorten it up a bit, my T was stumbling drunk. To the point that when we went to get in her car, she got in the driver's side back seat. Giggled, then got back out, hugged me, and got in the right seat to drive away.

WTF was that all about??? If I was having my very first dream about T (that I remember anyway, I don't usually remember my dreams), and I had to dream that she was a drunk. I've been seeing her for over a year and through our problems, I remain quite attached to her.

Trying to interpret it, I'm thinking maybe it was my realizing my T is human too, and no more perfect than anyone else? But logically, I already know that. I'm sure I dreamt about her because I have our last session before her break today. But I would have preferred a more insightful, realistic dream than that. Who knows, maybe she is a stumbling drunk in real life. I highly doubt it, even though I'm sure that's not unusual in that profession (I'm just guessing), because they do have quite a stressful job.

I'm still sleepy yet, but I have no intentions on sharing this dream with her. Too crazy. And, I guess I would find it odd for her to be told I had a dream about her at all.

[Crazy Hitch]

It's an interesting dream. Thank you for sharing this.

Maybe the symbolism of your T appearing drunk in your dream was to show that she has a softer, more vulnerable side, that for professional reasons, she doesn't discuss with you in therapy as they are to do with her personal life, but none the less we all have a softer more vulnerable side, and it's up to us who we choose to show this side to.

And yes, I agree with what you say - "realizing my T is human too, and no more perfect than anyone else". You do know this logically, but dreams sort of project sometimes what we know on a logical level into a symbol of something (your T being drunk).

It's really about you though. We just incorporate other people in our lives to represent aspects of ourselves.

[Soccer mom]

I wonder if it was about her not being in control (back seat) and then her moving into a controlling position (front seat). Or you in that role too. Maybe her being drunk was going to offer a chance for you to take care of her but then she drove away and you couldn't. At least she was in a good mood. LOL

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

It's really about you though. We just incorporate other people in our lives to represent aspects of ourselves.

I guess I can't figure it out if it's really about me. I don't drink (maybe once or twice a year), but in a way, I do feel like my emotions and life are a bit out of control. That's how people usually get when they drink....

[musinglizzy]

I'm still cracking up over that dream.... seriously.... I don't know if it occurred because I've been into some heavy duty stuff in therapy, or if today is my last session before a break, or what.....

[Petra5ed]

I think this is about you not trusting her. If she is driving you in the car, then she is in control... the car represents you (IMO). But she was drunk, which to me could mean you might see her as less than reliable and maybe not totally aware of what she's doing, the power she has over you, etc. She doesn't even get in the right seat, then corrects and gets in the drivers seat... I'm sure that's scary as well, who wants to be driven by a drunk driver!

This is interesting though, I also recently had a dream about being in a car with my therapist where he was driving. My therapist wasn't drunk though... in my dream I reached out and put my hand on his hand without thinking about it, then realized I was touching him and squeezed his hand awkwardly and then couldn't take my hand away... we got out of the car at some party and I started hugging him, we went from hugging standing up to hugging lying down somehow (like dream magic) it was such an awesome dream, way better than anything that's happened in my real life recently!

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I think this is about you not trusting her. If she is driving you in the car, then she is in control... the car represents you (IMO). But she was drunk, which to me could mean you might see her as less than reliable and maybe not totally aware of what she's doing, the power she has over you, etc. She doesn't even get in the right seat, then corrects and gets in the drivers seat... I'm sure that's scary as well, who wants to be driven by a drunk driver!

This is interesting though, I also recently had a dream about being in a car with my therapist where he was driving. My therapist wasn't drunk though... in my dream I reached out and put my hand on his hand without thinking about it, then realized I was touching him and squeezed his hand awkwardly and then couldn't take my hand away... we got out of the car at some party and I started hugging him, we went from hugging standing up to hugging lying down somehow (like dream magic) it was such an awesome dream, way better than anything that's happened in my real life recently!

Thanks! That makes sense. Although she wasn't driving me in the car. She was going to leave.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

She was going to leave.

That statement/observation makes it sound like an anxiety dream. Her behavior is unpredictable (true enough) and she's going to leave (also true, only it's temporary). But those true things don't mean that you're at the mercy of her actions. As you point out, she's not driving you. But she is causing you a lot of worry.

Just a few session in with my current therapist, I had a dream in which she was wobbly, I reached out to steady her. There were at least two elements of my dream that were true in her life, but not things I could have known (one she told me when I shared the dream and the other I learned later). The way it seemed to me (and she agreed) was that she's not infallible and our relationship is equal. She is not more powerful or perfect. The dream humanized her and made me feel more comfortable moving forward.

[brillskep]

Personally I find it interesting that your therapist didn't take the driver's seat at first, but sat behind the driver's seat. Makes me think of an article I once read which compared the therapy process to driving a car. I wonder in that case how would you feel about your therapist "driving" in your therapy, how much she does so if at all, and how much you trust her personal balanced state to do so.

These are just my first reactions to your dream. Feel free to take them or leave them. I may be very wrong. The thing that most fascinates me about dreams is that there are so many layers to them.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you for the feedback! I've found all of it interesting! As predicted, I didn't tell her about it today. Didn't see the point. But I guess I am a little curious...

[Coco3]

I dreamed about cars a lot when I was in therapy. I think a car, or any other vehicle, represents your journey. In the beginning I never sat in the drivers seat. A male figure did. I didn't have control. Maybe my T did, he's male (in my dreams it was never my T though, mostly my H). Or maybe it represented ratio? As therapy progressed, my dreams did too. Finally I would be behind the steering wheel. First with a male figure next to me and later on I would be the only person in the car. Totally in control.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Coco3

I dreamed about cars a lot when I was in therapy. I think a car, or any other vehicle, represents your journey. In the beginning I never sat in the drivers seat. A male figure did. I didn't have control. Maybe my T did, he's male (in my dreams it was never my T though, mostly my H). Or maybe it represented ratio? As therapy progressed, my dreams did too. Finally I would be behind the steering wheel. First with a male figure next to me and later on I would be the only person in the car. Totally in control.

Wow...thanks for sharing that!

[AllHeart]

What about this...your drunken T was going to drive drunk, thus exhibiting dangerous, irresponsible behavior. You were ok with letting that happen.

In real life, your T exhibited dangerous, irresponsible behavior in how she handled things with you. Do you now find yourself starting to be ok with moving on from that? Maybe the dream is showing you that you are letting go of the stupid stuff your T did to you and moving on. So perhaps this dream is a sign of resolution, forgiveness and healing. Or, maybe it's just a sign that your T likes to party. Hahaa!

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Or, maybe it's just a sign that your T likes to party. Hahaa!

Thanks, you crack me up!
Unfortunately no, I haven't really healed from all that stuff. I'm trying to "act" normal hoping that it will stick and I'll start to fell better about it, but it hasn't happened yet. Something often triggers it where I get all upset all over again. Like today for example. I've been going through old photos, and have seen some glimpses of myself as a child in these photos. I found a small stack (less than 20) that I wanted to bring in and show her. But, I wanted to look at them WITH her, so I could explain the photos. Then I freaked out (internally) at the thought of asking her to sit by me so we could flip through these photos. Because, of course, her new boundary is to not sit by me. I once told her she could, and I wouldn't touch her. She said she didn't think that was a good idea. So although I would love to sit side by side for a couple minutes to explain these photos, I'm afraid she may see it as I'm testing her boundary. So I've been holding onto these photos, not sharing at all. I get very irritated, because I wouldn't be thinking anything at all with anyone else. Just sit down and look at them. But I'm scared to ask her. I could just hand them over and stand in front of her and explain them while looking at them upside down......so something like that gets me thinking all over again.

[AllHeart]

I am so sorry. I was really hoping that stuff was easing up on you. I am very proud of you for sticking with the therapy process. And I do hope that one day you will be able to heal from the unnecessary hurt your T inflicted upon you.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you! It did ease up....just to come back. I thought it was gone. Maybe I have issues with forgiving people? I'll put my T hat on now and say I probably can't heal from this because I can't accept my feelings about it. I get pretty hard on myself for having a hard time with this. I haven't said anything until now, but I actually have an appt with another T in her office. (My T owns the place, this guy works for her). We've talked, he's nice (otherwise I wouldn't consider seeing a guy). She suggested, since I've been in such a dark place lately, that I see him for a session while she's gone. She thought seeing someone different might be helpful for me. She even agreed with the idea of talking to him about my issues with her! Ugh...I just don't know if I can. I don't think so. I made the appt, pretty much with the plan in the back of my head to cancel it. I have a week. We'll see how I'm doing come Wednesday. If I'm rough, I'll see him. Like I said, he's a nice guy, and we have done our fair share of small talk. I think, as a person, I'd be comfortable with him.

But when I think about canceling this appointment, the WRONG thought comes into my mind. Disappointing my T. I shouldn't even be thinking about that!!