[msjblonde]

How do you know when things really aren't right? or if it’s coming from somewhere inside.

I really have a tough time with trust, I know that’s a theme with a lot of us, but I really struggle to have any sort of adult relationship. I have lots of friends but I never actually tell them anything if that makes any sense. I also have major issues with abandonment, this all comes from lots of history of childhood abuse and being abandoned by my mother as a small child and various other people along the way.

Anyway, I’ve been seeing my T for around a year. She has been repeatedly going on about how I need to learn to trust her etc etc and how some people are worthy of trust and others not so much. And, I am doing better, I have been slowly starting to trust that she is going to be there and isn’t going to dump me, but then suddenly last week the wheels just came off and I’m left feeling really unsure about her and this therapy relationship.

She is very CBT which for various reasons hasn’t really worked out in my therapy, we didn’t even really do any of it, so last week we had a session where we sort of went over what I had achieved so far. This amounts to nothing really if I’m honest, I really have sucked at therapy. I felt like I’d failed the class and I wasn’t getting the chance to re-take. I totally got the feeling that she was irritated by my lack of progress and I get that, I must be frustrating, I don’t mean to be but she was talking about other services which she absolutely knows I don’t want at all, we talked about all of this months ago, but she kept saying things like she can’t believe I haven’t been forced into a higher level of care by now by other people in my life (I’m an adult). This all set my alarm bells ringing, she is going to terminate me unless I start improving and fast. The problem is that I’m not being like this on purpose, I do the things i do because I don’t know what else to do. I said that once, I asked what am I supposed to do instead of all of these things everyone keeps telling me are bad behaviours and she said ‘do you want people to tell you what to do?’ but the trouble is I really don’t know what people do do that isn’t rubbish behaviour because if I exercise that’s bad, but other people it seems to be a good thing to do, if I clean the house, that’s bad but for everyone else that’s ok, so I’m left with all of this stuff which is wrong but nothing which is seemingly ok. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all.

So, we go on to discuss the trauma stuff relating to my childhood. This sucks. I hate it. I can’t even tell you how hard it is for me to even start to talk about this but I do throw some words out there, probably really clumsily and all wrong. But I do get some stuff out, no emotion of any sort, just words, because I really don’t do emotions, especially in public. So I described very briefly some of the sorts of things that happened physically to me as a child. It was pretty extreme and I suppose it may sound completely exaggerated, seriously, that was barely even scratching the surface. But, she asked me some questions like, why didn’t anyone do anything? you must have been covered in bruises. Is that a normal T question under the circumstances? because I don’t really know why no one stopped it or why no one helped me. There were other questions that just seemed challenging, like, how was it that these people allowed you to spend so much time out of the house at clubs when you were so young if they were neglectful. My reply was that they honestly couldn’t care less where I was. It made me feel as if she didn’t believe a word of what I was telling her and this was barely the headline so it’s hardly making me want to get to the deeper stuff, I don’t know what I was hoping for really, she knows I hate it when people show any sort of care towards me so maybe it was that but I suppose I hoped for something that didn’t leave me feeling like a complete idiot.

There was other things in the session which weren’t so bad, she said some nice stuff too. She has been really ok up to now, I’ve been feeling more and more able to be open and feel secure in this relationship over the last few weeks and even a couple of weeks ago I would have said she was ok. But I feel completely different now and almost as if I have been so desperate to believe that it is possible to have that sort of a relationship and that I can do what normal people do that I let my guard down and I am about to feel the pain for doing it.

I really see a ‘thanks but no thanks, please go and find someone else to dump your crap on’ session this week, and that sucks, I don’t want to. I thought she was ok, she told me I could trust her, is this me being over sensitive? am I looking for a reason to run from some scary stuff which is coming up and finding reasons not to trust someone who really hasn’t done anything wrong? or are there really red flags here?

I wonder if her questions were rhetorical, but you took them as literal? Perhaps she wasn't looking for you to be able to answer those questions; rather, she was expressing how terrible it was that the people in your life were so neglectful and ignored what was going on. You may be seeing those questions as expressions of disbelief of you, when really what she was expressing was disbelief that adults could treat a child so poorly.

[RedSun]

Yes, I agree with Lolagrace that it may have been a bit lost in translation.
It sounds like you've done well with her before, so maybe give it a couple more sessions and see how you feel then. Could you tell her how those questions made you feel?

[msjblonde]

Yeah I hadn't thought of it like that. I actually think perhaps this was entirely the wrong session now in hindsight to even go there at all because she was clearly irritated with me, which I honestly do get.

[precaryous]

Is she your first T?

You know, trust is earned. I question any T that says, "You need to learn to trust me."

Is it possible you haven't failed at therapy as much as, perhaps, this form of therapy is not the right fit for you?

Has she given you healthy alternative coping skills to replace unhealthy behaviors? Is she supportive?

I may not understand the situation but I wouldn't get along with a T who expects me to be a mind-reader.

If you stay with this T, is it possible for you to answer that, yes, you would very much like to learn some alternative healthy ways of coping?

[msjblonde]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Is she your first T?

You know, trust is earned. I question any T that says, "You need to learn to trust me."

Is it possible you haven't failed at therapy as much as, perhaps, this form of therapy is not the right fit for you?

Has she given you healthy alternative coping skills to replace unhealthy behaviors? Is she supportive?

I may not understand the situation but I wouldn't get along with a T who expects me to be a mind-reader.

If you stay with this T, is it possible for you to answer that, yes, you would very much like to learn some alternative healthy ways of coping?

Thanks, this sort of sums up how I feel. Yes she is my first T.

No, she hasn't given me any alternatives really, we did one session with some relaxation stuff but I am absolutely hopeless at doing this on my own. Other than that nothing.

She has been really good at talking through work based issues with, and things have got better in terms of I do think I am more stable now than I was even if she doesn't. There is no out of session contact at all other than scheduling, not that we have ever had a conversation around this I just sent her a text once about a scheduling thing and didn't get a reply until I repeated the text and asked her to confirm that she had got it and the time was ok. So, I assume a crisis call would go down like a lead balloon (not that I am ever likely to make such a call).

I may have misread the situation with the last session but I got the impression that we are moving on from that work now and starting on the trauma stuff. I don't know, if that's the case I may be in a bit of trouble because I do still need support with all of my original issues but I think she feels that the trauma is the root of the problem so we need to go there so I'm on my own in terms of the actual issues. It all feels a bit rushed though.

[AllHeart]

I completely understand what you are going through. It's so hard to let down those protective walls you've spent a lifetime building up. And what a hard road it is to even knock a chip off that wall! But it can be done (so they say).

Dealing with childhood trauma is very delicate work. I wonder if your T lacks experience in this area. My guess is CT is something your T has just not practiced in, based on the questions she asked. I will bet she is right on one thing though -- childhood trauma is the root of the problem. CT can cause a lot of maladaptive behaviors in adulthood. At any rate, you might want to ask your T what her experience level is in dealing with CT.

Also, it may ease your mind to outright ask your T if she is planning on terminating you. I have these same fears even after 1 year with my current T. She reassures me all the time that she will always be here for me, and so on. But my mind likes to freak me out and tell me otherwise once in a while. So I now just straight up ask her instead of letting my fears spiral out of control. And it's always me reading way too much into some little comment T made.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think it's appropriate to tell a survivor of childhood trauma that they should trust someone. Anyone. Why would people who needed protection from their early caregivers trust anyone else? As others have said this is delicate work and I'm not sure a T who is very cbt is cut out for it.

These are questions that need to be asked much more carefully. You don't ask trauma survivors why nobody helped them.

I don't think you have failed, sounds like you are doing great. But I can't help thinking you need a T who will honour your right to distrust them.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I don't think it's appropriate to tell a survivor of childhood trauma that they should trust someone. Anyone. Why would people who needed protection from their early caregivers trust anyone else? As others have said this is delicate work and I'm not sure a T who is very cbt is cut out for it.

These are questions that need to be asked much more carefully. You don't ask trauma survivors why nobody helped them.

I don't think you have failed, sounds like you are doing great. But I can't help thinking you need a T who will honour your right to distrust them.

I agree with tinyrabbit. My T has clients with abuse and trauma histories (I'm not sure I qualify) and has NEVER asked me to "learn to trust her".

Neither has my ex T who did CBT.

What they've said however is -
1) not to feel that I must force myself to trust them
2) that trust takes time
3) to take as much time as I need to open up
4) that they have to EARN my trust through being trustworthy, safe and consistent
5) Asked ME what would HELP me feel safer, help me feel supported etc.