Worried About Something

I'm worried about how sometimes I email my t and sound like a needy child, then immediately after hitting "Send," I feel absolutely horrified and ashamed! It's not a situation where I do it without knowing that I am doing it. But it is like there is a struggle between a child part of me that wants T to be there and comfort me versus the independent, "I don't need anybody" part of me that thinks I should not let myself attach to my t or get used to any soothing by her.

The way it starts out, usually I have emailed my t a normal message from my normal self. Then later, another part of me wants to communicate. I try to resist doing so with my self-control and usually I am successful in resisting the urge to send a child-like message. However, at times, this other part of me wins out and sends the email. Usually it says something like how much I miss her and need her, or whatever.

When I feel that child part of me present and she gains enough control to start typing that kind of email, the rational independent part of me immediately steps up and says "No, don't do that! It's not right. She is not your mother. Don't depend on her for nurturing. Don't be such a baby. Don't embarrass me like that. You're not a child!" Scold. Scold. Scold.

9 out of 10 times, I am able to erase the email before I hit "Send." But the problem is how much of a conflict I feel around it, and what a tug-of-war it is when I feel those two parts of me in conflict. At times, it may take more than 2-3 hours of writing and deleting email messages while the two parts of me go back and forth between wanting to say something, and not letting me say it.

So, like I said, in those rare cases where I lose the ability to prevent myself from sending an email of that child-like sort, I automatically feel guilty, weird, and angry at myself. I follow the email up with another email asking my t to just ignore what I sent, that I didn't mean to send it, etc. I feel bad that I was not able to prevent it and won't believe that I could not have stopped it from happening. I feel that what I said while in that child state is not at all characteristic of how I feel normally. I hate being needy, hate expressing emotions like affection or longing, and hate asking anybody for help or support.

After it happens, I can't seem to come up with a good reason for it, and for why I could not prevent it. It makes me think it was pretend or I did it for attention, or something. Because it just isn't like me. I mean, I DO have a very needy child part of me, but I have always been able to exert strong willpower over it and not let it take over.

I'm starting to feel really nervous about this. Does it sound like dissociation? I took a dissociation test online that scored me as 40. I know I dissociate. But not to the point of DID. And yet this "part of me" sometimes steps up and says or do things that just aren't like me. Why can't I prevent it?

Do you talk about this with your t? Im sorry, i know that sounds like an obvious question. But i kinda remember me doing almost baby-talk conversations with my t when i feel like that, or when i talk about feeling like that. Chin tucked under. And he gets very quiet too.

Eta - why the focus on preventing it? You cant whack-a-mole it out of existence. Maybe our mothers tried. Im pretty sure mine had me scared out of my wits. Hell i couldnt even poop.

I don't know much about dissociation, but to me it sounds like a need to express something that you're trying to suppress. Agree with Hankster that you should try discussing it with your T.

There are parts of us that need things that other parts don't, to some degree everyone has this. If you give that part what it needs (to send the email, get reassurance from the T for that part), that's okay. What does your T say about receiving those emails? Have you talked about that part of you and how to give it what it needs so the desires will lessen? Sometimes you can't prevent it because emotions can overwhelm and take control of the logical part of our brains, and they are opposites so they will fight (logic vs. emotion). I'm not sure if any of that made any sense, but I hope it helped in some fashion. If not that's okay too.

This parts work can become baffling, eh? Can you let your child part compose the email, but then advise that part that the email cannot be sent until the adult part can come out and review it? I do think it's important to let your child part express itself, and for your T to hear what it has to say so you can help unburden this part. Maybe then you could preface your email with, "my child part wrote this earlier today." This way you can let the child part email just be. Walk away and then go back to it later so the other parts don't have to spend so much time trying to tear it apart.

Meant to add that I've certainly left some childlike, needy voicemails and e-mails for my T and marriage counselor before, then felt awkward about it. But often positive things end up coming out of it, and they say it's good that I shared what I was feeling.

I sometimes email my therapist things I could never bring up during therapy and it feels like the child part of me sent it. I always immediately regret after I hit the send button but it usually results in more productive therapy sessions. My therapist doesn't normally encourage patients to email but in my case, it's turned out to be a more effective way for me to communicate my thoughts and concerns so we don't waste our time in session.

I feel like in emails I'm more like an adult, than when I'm in session. I don't think I act child like, but more like a teenager.

I don't know much about dissociation. Maybe best to talk to your T about it?