The "Therapeutic Relationship"

What happened with my T is...I read your story and a different post from lolgrace...which made me wonder if all this caring and reassurance I am getting from T will end...that maybe there would come a time T would take away her reassurances and caring because she wanted to promote more self reliance. I was worried T would try to "grow me up" before I was ready. I became sad picturing T acting aloof and less caring. I was thinking that all that made sense...we had just not talked about the therapy process that far down the road. Even though T had not said that or done anything wrong...I became depressed. I had been relaxed in my trust in my T...and all of a sudden I had doubts again. Worse, I didn't want to go back to therapy to hear her answer if she was eventually going to take things away (similar to what happened to you) because it would hurt and grieve me too much to hear her say, ""Yes, that's how therapy works."

I sent her an email telling her I wasn't coming into therapy..she asked what she had said to upset me? (She hadn't done or said anything wrong) ..this just goes to show you how my trust has been screwed up and damaged in the past by PerpT. I tried to explain it to her.

She replied the nicest and kindest reply:

"Hi, Cecelia!

I can only tell you this...whatever I do is genuine and not born only from a therapeutic stance. Emails and calls are a part of your safe place right now and they are perfectly OK with me. They may change over time but that will be because things change for you, not because I take things away from you. At each step of the way, if I think something may help you feel better, I will tell you and if you are ready or think it will help you, we will follow that pathway toward that goal. If not, there will be other pathways that are better for you.

I am in no way going to take everything away from you or recreate the loss of your mother. That's not who I am; my hope is that together we can find paths that bring you more peace of mind and happiness. I am going nowhere and changing nothing. Someday I will retire but I will not disappear. I do see that fear is upsetting you. I will not always be able to take fear away from you, but I have faith that you will learn that you do not have to fear abandonment. I have no intention of abandoning you.

I am here if you need or want to talk. I am keeping you in my thoughts. I hope that you will come on Saturday and that we can talk more about the fear and where it comes from...I hope we can do that within the context of your safe place.

T"

I went back to therapy. We are talking it all out. Your posts have helped me so much, musinglizzy! Thank you.

Btw, we even talked about touch. She hasn't touched me yet..but she is a hugger..she hugs other patients. She says she waits for the patient/client to ask her for it. She said she wouldn't come sit next to me on the couch uninvited (referring to your post) because that would be invading my space...and, in my case, might scare me. She said she wouldn't sit next to me on the couch at all but is open to hugs. But the request has to come from me, when and if I am ready....

What a beautiful, well thought out reply from your T! And she's realistic. She's not exactly saying "I will always be here for you," but she is letting you know she's not going anywhere. And possibly even after retirement, she may be willing to maintain some contact. That's what it sounds like to me! I also think it is great that, before any assumptions could be made, she let you know she will hug, but will not sit on the couch with you. I wish my T had told me in the beginning that she was stepping away from her true modality at the time and it was only temporary. She knew it, but never shared that with me. Sometimes I feel like I'm whining about my situation and that people will get tired of me bringing it up, but I am so glad that my experience can help someone else. As much as it has hurt, I would love to save that pain from someone else. I do wish I had known enough to talk to her about it myself, at some point, rather than just appreciating it and letting it happen. I did tell my T had I known it was only temporary, I would not have allowed it to continue. I like to make the first move in situations like that. In fact, she's been questioning me about my lack of Emails lately. She keeps stressing to me to keep in touch between sessions...as she knows I share best that way. Well, since our rupture and the argument afterward, her Emails have really gone down. Sometimes she doesn't respond at all. When she does, they are usually very short. So I have been going in spurts, stopping sending Emails, afraid that those are next on the chopping block. I'm sensitive now to the slightest changes in that room (and in contact outside), and I'm trying not to be. I am glad that my posts have helped you! That makes it all worth it, if I can help someone else through it all.

So this makes me wonder if the reason my T didn't hug me early on, before the maternal transference came out, was because I didn't ask for it. I think I was too afraid to ask for it, because I feared rejection. Or I just figured she didn't do that with clients. Now I'm wondering if she would have hugged me if I'd asked...I'm also wondering if right now, despite the transference, if I was like, "I could really use a hug right now," she would give me one? Or, I mean, a pat on the shoulder, anything.

Sorry, didn't mean to do any sort of hijacking. Just thinking out loud...

Are you a teacher ( you said not working in the summer). Get a part time job for the summer, my t says having a structure and being busy is the way to go. Having too much free time makes one dwell on things too much. I work in the summer part time. For financial reasons but also to stay out of trouble haha

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Hey I know how this goes! Stop telling my story, LOL!

I think the "therapeutic relationship" is hard, definitely for attachment troubled people like me. My neediness goes far beyond what he could give me in a professional role, or even a friend role if I'm being honest. I don't know though, asking where someone's going on vacation seems harmless. I do get what you're saying, because there was a time (still is sometimes) when I'm afraid to ask because I don't know just where the boundary lies... but then again maybe it is just me trying not to let on that I care, trying not to be as vulnerable as I obviously am. I would just say, don't waste your time dwelling on it. An hour a week is so short I barely tell/ ask anything I want to, so I'm not sure if I would want to spend my time talking about my therapists upcoming vacations even though I truly would love to know about them!

Wow...If it wasn't for the fact that I KNOW my T teaches yoga om Saturdays and does not see clients I'd be convinced we are seeing the same T.

My T is a yoga instructor also.

I don't ask mine questions because he never volunteers information about himself. It'd be nice to know, but this hour is supposed to be about me, not him.

You know what really bothers me is that your therapist says she's a trauma therapist, and yet she says you are the only one she's touched because you were in such a dark place. Um...in 20 years, she hasn't met a trauma client that's in such a deep, dark place? I am in no way minimizing your situation or the seriousness of it. I just can't get over that she could have seen so many traumatized people over two decades and none were in a dark, alone place. Mine does not advertise as a trauma therapist, but she's had at least 20 years experience working with r**e and csa survivors in a clinic and private practice. I would lose confidence if I thought I was the only one she'd seen who was in seriously bad shape.

I apologize for being cynical, but part of me wonders if she told you she's never touched or held another client before because she is concerned you will tell another therapist--it's a way to convey this was a grave exception.

From everything you've shared, she doesn't seem to act like a therapist that knows how to help someone recover from trauma. She's pretty handy, though, when it comes to creating more.

I cant believe she contacted you on her wedding day. That is weird. That is some boundary crosiing shyte. If she were a he, this place would be burning him at the stake.

Its not the hugs. My t hugged me from day one. But he took responsibility for his actions. He owned them.

No need to apologize, ruh roh. I was SO proud of myself for asking her why I was "so special." She said she felt I was in a really dark place, and very alone, and she thought the only way to get to me was with that. I was dissociating, where I am not anymore. I DO wish she'd apologize for a lapse in judgment. Instead, she says "I'm sorry you feel this way." Like it's my fault. Those words are actually a slap across the face to me. Mine also does not advertise as a trauma specific therapist, but has told me that there is no one more qualified in trauma than she is. But in 20-some years, I do find it hard to believe that she's never been this way with anyone else....or, well, that's what she said. I DID ask her the very first time. But only that time. Every other time, she initiated it. I remember my words exactly. "can you come over here or is it against the rules?" Her reply "I was just going to." So by my saying that, it opened the door for her to share this is not her modality, but she will step away from that briefly. She offered the touch/holding for three to four months (I have about 8 sessions per month...and it wasn't every session, but she came over to sit by me more often than she did not.) It makes complete sense if she got too attached to me. I mean, I don't understand why, but that is a logical reason. I do know she cares a lot about me and I'm pretty important to her.

I think there are two things that could help me get past this. 1. tell me when exactly she decided to stop her behavior and what lead up to it. Like someone said, I'm constantly blaming myself, therefore am afraid of disclosing too much. If I knew why she made this decision, it would help me know how not to let it happen again. Because that's what I'm most worried about. What will change next. And once I know that, 2. make me a promise that if anytime in the future she decides to change something I'm familiar with in therapy, that she talks to me about it instead of letting me notice on my own. Because it's driving me nuts. Now I'm feeling like she has changed something else because she didn't offer me a check in while she's gone. I have NO intentions of making any attempt to contact her while she's gone, it's not that. But just knowing she gave me the permission to check in feels good. She used to INSIST that I stay in touch while she was on vacation. Now, for the first time, she told me she's unavailable for a week. I think she should be able to go on vacation without thinking about work. But I'm just so oversensitive to any changes in boundaries that I am always on the look out for them. This trip may be different. She may be away from phone/computer. I know I'd want to be! But she has always insisted that I stay in touch while she's gone....she's said "I'll harass you if I don't hear from you." And this is the first time she didn't say that. It's also her first vacation after our rupture in March. I hate being so oversensitive. It's driving me crazy...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/1726848/False/

I gave the one I see a copy of this once on false apology - I thought it a lot funnier than she did. She can get quite defensive.

This is beautiful and exactly how my t responds. I appreciate it so much and it is how I believe all t's should react to people with extreme "mother issues". Thanks for sharing!

That's the crux of it; you don't know anything about another person unless you ask (if you want to know). It's not really "personal" as they can say whether they do or do not want to tell you and they can word what they do tell you anyway they like; that is their half of the equation. What they do is not rejecting, but either revealing themselves to you or not.

I was too afraid to ask questions but over time my T started sharing a bit here and there unasked. Like the time she was going to be gone several weeks because she was going to a wedding in Bangkok! And yes, I started singing even though I NEVER sing for anyone and don't know the words! She was fascinated, did not know the song and wanted me to sing what I had again. As you say, "who knows?"

This is the most upsetting part to me--the shame her actions have caused you and her bassackward non-apology make you think it's because of something you did or something about you in particular; that if only you know what to do to prevent it from happening again, your relationship will be good again. It feels very familiar to me, as someone who's pretty good at re-enacting abusive relationships.

If nothing else, I hope you can find a way to stop taking the blame for this. Sure, she does a lot of great things for you, but she is supposed to. That doesn't give her a pass to do anything she wants that's hurtful. In fact, all that's happened around this is a great opportunity for discussion and real therapy to take place.

Yeah I'd say she has some kind of bizarre boundary confusion where you are involved. That is her stuff . My T is wonderful and loving but texting on her wedding day??? That is way messed up.

Yeah, that's what's confusing to me. If I do ever see another T...the one request I will have is that if they have boundaries, follow them from the beginning, do not stray based on the "situation," because I do not do well with having things taken away. I know I need to work on that... it's almost traumatic in a way, when I was a kid, I couldn't show love for anything, including my pets. Whenever I showed that I loved something or it was important to me, it was taken away. My T, a few times, has done this exact thing. She always gave great, healing hugs. After our rupture, her hugs were very short. We had a good session a couple months later, and she gave me one of those longer, healing hugs I needed. I Emailed her later and thanked her for it, told her it meant a lot to me, and among other things, she wrote back saying prolonged hugs were not helpful in therapy. So here I thanked her for one, and told her how much it meant, and that's what I got in response. Broke my heart. She always highly encouraged Emails... but now doesn't reply like she used to. Plenty of times she doesn't reply at all. If she does, they are usually very short. I'm ok with that... but it's the point that she used to offer something different, and this rupture seems to have changed so much, and I see things, one at a time, changing. I have learned with her, too, that I can't tell her if something means a lot. She may decide it's not necessary and take it away. I'm SOOO broken. I trusted her...but now I find it so hard to talk. I don't know if something will change if I say something.... so I really have a hard time talking. Especially about my FEEEEEEELINGS.

I agree. It strikes me as a parlor game. Psychotherapy is a unique human circumstance: the therapist often duplicates a parent's characteristics to bring the client into a parent-child dynamic. It's the therapist's responsibility if this dynamic goes awry.

I question the "attachment issue" diagnosis. We're social animals. We're born with the instinct to look to parents for guidance. So if someone assumes the parent figure role, at what point is our response an "issue"?

Likewise, I see labeling someone else with a pattern: someone is accused of staying too long, or not long enough. Who decides, pray Goldilocks, what is "just right." I've stayed too long and not long enough. Maybe my pattern is plaid, stripes, checks, mixed with dots.

I do wonder how the branding and labeling I've seen here is received when it's done to family and friends. Are these the social skill taught in therapy?

Just for the record, no one has ever labeled me as having attachment issues. I said that myself, because I know myself and know it's true. I've never even said it "out loud" until this post.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am currently "negotiating" boundaries with my new therapist (I have explicitly stated that there is to be no touch) because of a very similar situation in the past.

This would concern me as well.

Nope. Lol, she is there Saturday's through most of the year. T is near retirement age and has a bit of trouble getting around.

If she teaches yoga Saturday evenings, I would like to see it!

Lizzy, is your T making this rupture your fault? That concerns me. I don't see how any of this can be your fault.

I feel your T should, at least, explore the possibility that she made a mistake. If she is blaming this on you...she is making another mistake.

Counter transference is common. There is no harm in counter transference unless it is not acknowledged.

No....she hasn't blamed me for this. She does say it's perfectly normal that I would feel this way. The only thing she said is "I'm sorry you feel this way." Although she has said if I can't move past this, I may need to consider if I should continue. Yet when I gave her a quit date later on, she said "don't you dare quit now!" Hey, I know I'm not easy to deal with. Sometimes I feel like I'm too broken for therapy even. Unfortunately I find boundaries hurtful and filled with rejection. That IS my fault that I feel that way.But she hasn't specifically told me this is my fault.

Branding and labeling something an "attachment issue" as a social skill?

Who talks about their t with family or friends? we do so here. So if i myself had "attachment issues" and another poster's experience seems similar to mine, yeah, i will "label" that an attachment issue. Honestly, i thought it was called "using my words". Theres no Dr in front of my name.