T can't ask me a question.

Ok. So me and T are still working through my feelings for him. Last week I admitted that I have a question that I want to ask, but haven’t because I fear the answer. Then T said he was having a similar dilemma, not in the fearing the answer, but more, having a question he’s not sure maybe how or when to ask. He said we may have to come to some sort of agreement or compromise about these.

Now, the more I think about it, the stranger it seems. I always though part of being a T was asking awkward / taboo (etc) questions? So the only conclusion I can reach is he is worried about how I will take being asked (he specifically said the answer isn’t the problem).

What could a T ask that’s so bad? Suggestions please. Would like to be as prepared for this as much as possible.

I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say its a just a standard intervention question that he is working on. I do think he shouldn't burden you with that knowledge if he just can't be out with it. That would piss me off.

What do you mean by "intervention question" in this context?

One of those therapy questions, like, "do you think you think you might be lying to yourself? " or something like that.
(That's the last one I can remember being asked, nothing to do with you. )

One potential q that crossed my mind was "Do you love me?" so that fits that category. Honestly it's driving me up the wall. He didn't even give a proper reason for why he didn't just ask.

Out of curiosity, what's the question you want to ask him?

I think hes just trying to get you to see him in your shoes, so to speak. Its not so much the question he would ask, but how would you feel if the situation were reversed?

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight Out of curiosity, what's the question you want to ask him?

Ok, I’ll give you some background because out of context it sounds like potential sexual harassment


We are talking about the fact that although I’m not in love with him (ET etc) I do find him sexually attractive.


Then a few weeks back, for the first time in nearly two years I asked if I could have a hug and he did without hesitation.


SO I then said how given what we were talking about I was surprised he didn’t expect me to try something.


Therefore my question is, what would he have done if I had tried to kiss him?


If he says he would have pulled away, what little bit of an ego I do have will be wounded (although I would intellectually understand why).


If he says he would have let me (to be discussed later) then….urgh. I don’t think I could take that answer.

To ask or not to ask?

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Originally Posted by hankster I think hes just trying to get you to see him in your shoes, so to speak. Its not so much the question he would ask, but how would you feel if the situation were reversed?

I don't think so, because the previous week he kind of hinted that he wanted to say something but didn't. Its odd because I figured one perk of being a T was being able to ask anything.

I don't think a T is able to ask anything. The primary rule of being a T is to do no harm, so it is important for a T to consider whether a question might cause harm to the client before asking it.
As for the question you want to ask, I think there could be an interesting conversation around why you want to ask that question that could be therapeutically beneficial, so it might be worth raising the question in that way, in that you want to explore why you wish to ask. Especially considering you already acknowledge you wouldn't like either answer. There could be good material for therapy there.

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Originally Posted by Echos Myron I don't think a T is able to ask anything. The primary rule of being a T is to do no harm, so it is important for a T to consider whether a question might cause harm to the client before asking it. As for the question you want to ask, I think there could be an interesting conversation around why you want to ask that question that could be therapeutically beneficial, so it might be worth raising the question in that way, in that you want to explore why you wish to ask. Especially considering you already acknowledge you wouldn't like either answer. There could be good material for therapy there.

I think that's the argument being made by the part of me that still wants to ask, which is why I told him last session. I think that what's not helping is it is a recurring desire. If it was just a one off thing out the blue I'd be a bit more like, 'oh, that was weird, but its over with now, lets explore that'. Ach, the therapeutic relationship got really complicated.....sometimes wish I'd never told him how I feel about him. I'm such a coward.

There are many questions therapists could ask that would sent a client into a tailspin of terror or even psychosis if the client has some deep unconscious problems. Therapists are trained to let the client lead. They don't want to get ahead and drag the poor client into re-traumatizing experiences. Your T hints at some things just to get you started so he can follow and keep the topic on a safe level for you. Diving into the deep end of the pool would be brave of you, but it's what has created disaster and a bad name for psychotherapy in times past when some amateur doctors tried it.

If a client knows nothing at all about therapy or Transference, the talk sometimes skirts, or flirts, around romantic ideas, since that's what a guy and gal alone often think is going on in our social lives and how we grew up in school, etc. Thinking of hugs and kisses is okay, as everything in therapy is okay to talk about. But, just to be frank, hugs seem to be okay now with many T's, but the purpose of meeting is to talk about things rather than actually do them. Mainly, if we could just do anything we want with the T physically, it would be heaven for the moment, but it would change from therapy to something else.That's what they tell me, anyhow!

Is there a specific topic that you have stated is off limits? The question could be something that relates to what you have been discussing, but dips into the other topic, so your T is trying to avoid the off limits topic, while addressing the current topic.

I say this because I was in this situation. In session one, I laid all the issues on the line, including csa, but said I was not prepared to talk about that particular one yet. In session two, I felt like T was holding back, that he had some questions or comments that he was holding back. I brought it up in session three and that I felt like I needed to say something but didn't know how, and before I knew it, everything had come spilling out, shocking both myself and T. He admitted that he was shocked, because I had said I wasn't ready for it, and that yes, he had been holding back because he was respecting my boundaries. He saw some connections between our week two discussion and csa.

Just an alternate thought.

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Originally Posted by Restin There are many questions therapists could ask that would sent a client into a tailspin of terror or even psychosis if the client has some deep unconscious problems. Therapists are trained to let the client lead. They don't want to get ahead and drag the poor client into re-traumatizing experiences. Your T hints at some things just to get you started so he can follow and keep the topic on a safe level for you. Diving into the deep end of the pool would be brave of you, but it's what has created disaster and a bad name for psychotherapy in times past when some amateur doctors tried it.

I totally understand all that. I didn’t quite mean ANYTHING. What I was trying to say is therapy is a place where you can discuss thins that in the wider society are taboo. Sex, depression, suicide, so him not wanting to broach this is just….unnerving. We have used touch in therapy pretty much from day 1 (carefully of course) so the hug wasn’t totally boundary breaking in that sense. But it was probably the first time I overtly asked for something, rather just hinting hoping he’d offer.

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Originally Posted by Knittingismytherapy Is there a specific topic that you have stated is off limits? The question could be something that relates to what you have been discussing, but dips into the other topic, so your T is trying to avoid the off limits topic, while addressing the current topic.

I was wondering something along these lines. I have never specifically stated that “x,y,z” is off limits, but after nearly 2 years, he knows what makes me uncomfortable. But then again he normally isn’t afraid of dipping into this. I wonder if it is something difficult on his side of things? Ts are only human at the end of the day.

I just want it to be Thursday!

I'm picking up on your frustration and yearning that you need so much to tell T something and he isn't helping you tell him when he ought to know by now what it is. It sounds like something I and others have been through with our therapists. If only the T would say it first, then you could follow and the secret would out there and rolling. But therapists don't want to lead. Holding back, they can even seem stupid, teasing, and deliberately holding out on you about something they surely should know about you by now. It gets to be something like an "open secret". You got up the nerve to admit something scary, and they totally dropped the ball. Then you feel embarrassed and judged, if maybe they think the subject is too bad to discuss and too bad to deal with. But T is playing it safe by holding back and waiting for you to grow stronger and bolder. he isn't dissing you, but maybe is a bit too cautious. He may sense a fragility and wants you to grow some more ego strength before plowing into this deep issue you both know about but don't discuss.

T saying things first, even tho easier for you, can be a serious mistake. I used to ask my T to make "flash cards" of the words I had trouble saying in her presence. My plan being to repeat the forbidden words after her until i got used to saying them. I just knew she knew what they were about, but she wouldn't do that. Sheesh! I would be so exasperated all the next week because we never talked about what I really wanted to, and she wouldn't help me do it!
In some ways, your questions for T sounds like you want to talk about deep attachment, love, a transference question. I'm not sure and don't want to pry. I couldn't tell my T how much I loved and needed her for 3 whole years, and some patients have taken much longer, so the 2 years your speaking of isn't out of order. It comes from a very rejecting past where we learn never, ever, let anyone significant know how much we care for them.
But one thing that helped me was to ask T general questions about attachment, dependency stuff, strange love, strange sex, etc. before admitting I felt it, too. Ask T about other people, other situations. It helps to go in the side door somehow instead of head on. As I got better at this, the therapist opened up more about it too and I felt like we were finally on the same page. I agree, sometimes therapists are a bit too cautious, but better to be safe than sorry.

I struggle talking about most things so I write it down and take it in. I also sometimes express myself through art. T is very happy to meet me half way. We often use what you call the side door, I usually refer to it as the shallow end :P But sometimes you just gotta jump in. Had to do that with telling him my feelings for him. There was no way I could skirt around it, so one day I printed off my "Dear T......" confession from the thread here, and showed it to him. We were sat back to back. After sitting with it a while we turned around to sit side by side and I put my head on his shoulder. My main fear was I know many Ts either don't know how to deal with this, or just kinda freak out on a personal level. Tbh he is taking this whole thing better than I am lol. I still feel like a creep about the whole thing.

i get the feeling that you are hoping your T will ask you about doing something romantic or sexual with him. but maybe that is just me. is this true? what are you afraid of it being? what do you want it to be? wanting that isn't wrong. i guess im just concerned if it did happen though. because like restin said, those kind of things make therapy fly out the window.

I know he would never ask that, and I don't assume the feeling is mutual. I think the fear is more the not knowing. It's just not like him to be evasive.
I'm thinking it's going to be along the lines of:

"Do you love me?"
"Should we talk about ET?"
"Have you ever thought about be during XYZ?"
"Do you think I feel the same way?"
Something that he thinks is potentially going to hurt my feelings or make me retreat into my shell.

There's nothing I particularly want the question to be, but I do want him to feel he can ask me. One more day to go. I'm not going to leave until he asks

So. With 5 minutes left to go we got to the questions. He asked if he should be ‘the grown up’ and ask first, I said to go ahead if he wanted to. At this point he closed his eye and tilted his head up (his pondering pose). Then he said he wanted to ask his at the beginning of a session to discuss it. So I said I’d get mine out the way. His answer was much as I expected, standard ‘by the book’ T answer….but not insincere. But again I’m left hanging, wondering WTF he wants to ask. Probably won’t be a big deal in the end, but the not knowing is driving me up the wall.

Actually, as a client in therapy you should be the one who can ask anything with no repercussions.

As a T, asking the wrong question at the wrong time could result in losing your client, causing your client to get worse instead of better, or even losing your license.

The suspense would drive me crazy.

So you still don't know what he wants to ask you? How long until you see him again?

I am wondering about his good faith in this matter. Either that or his common sense.

Yup. Its rolling through my head constantly, driving me bammy
No idea, don’t even know what subject it’s on. Gotta wait until next Thursday now….Argh!
Last week he had the realisation he was inadvertently playing a game here, and that this made him uncomfortable. In session we quite often get to a point where I get locked in silence, so I wonder if subconsciously he’s giving me a taste of my own medicine? It’s not malicious on his part, just sodding annoying lol.

I totally get where this is annoying! I think you need to start next session with, "OK, I asked my question, now you ask yours?" Otherwise, you could end up talking about other stuff, then he could again say how he wanted to say the question at the start of a session. It does sound kind of like he's playing a game with you. But now that you've asked your question, he has no reason not to ask his.