[Soccer mom]

I had a crappy week last week. Complete meltdown and feeling like I can't do this anymore. I even contacted another T. about more support or moving T's. The transference is too much sometimes. All I wanted was to talk to my T. but didn't reach out knowing I would see her in a week.

I guess I self regulated pretty well and I got to a better place. An hour before my session I'm nervous and thinking why tell her anything. She's mentioned before that I minimize my feelings. And, I do. I think why do they matter and I know that's from my childhood.

Ugh, I hate this....

[unaluna]

Youve gone so far so fast. That might be why you feel shaky? Your t is not there to judge you. You cant do this wrong. Youre just in unfamiliar territory? I keep thinking of that female athlete i read about in the nytimes, i think she used to be an olympic gymnast, then she started training for some kind of ski jumping. Well she hurt herself because she just didnt have the skiing experience even tho she had the gymnastic experience. Thats what it feels like to me here. On the one hand you ARE able to move quickly, on the other you dont have a strong base relationship with your t to help you feel safer? Idk.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by hankster

Youve gone so far so fast. That might be why you feel shaky? Your t is not there to judge you. You cant do this wrong. Youre just in unfamiliar territory? I keep thinking of that female athlete i read about in the nytimes, i think she used to be an olympic gymnast, then she started training for some kind of ski jumping. Well she hurt herself because she just didnt have the skiing experience even tho she had the gymnastic experience. Thats what it feels like to me here. On the one hand you ARE able to move quickly, on the other you dont have a strong base relationship with your t to help you feel safer? Idk.

I get in moments where I want to reach out to her. I want to tell her how much I'm hurting and feel desperate. Like my feelings are hot potato and I can't get rid of them fast enough (she would say that's not the goal). But, then rational/adult me comes in and thinks what would I want her to text back. She can tell me it's going to be ok, I'll make it, stay strong. But, in that moment, I know it really wouldn't help. It would have to be a conversation and probably stuff I would feel better saying in person. Seeing her is what I want and it's not as possible. She works one job and as a T part time so she only works as a T. 3 days a week. Deep down I also know that my crappy periods don't last as long. Am I functioning? Yes. Would I rather see her? Yes. I'm not suicidal, I'm just depressed and mad about my situation.

Because of the transference (which I hate), it's difficult for me to feel completely safe with her. I have negative and positive so while I have these loving feelings, I also am waiting for her to drop the ball/hurt me/etc. Unfortunately, I guess only time will heal it.

Thanks for replying!

[laxer12]

I feel you, Soccer Mom. Sometimes what helps me is thinking about other people I've been attached to before and how I barely think of them now. I'm not sure if you had similar feelings toward anyone else in your life but if you have, just remembering that you made it through can help with the anxiety and stress.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by laxer12

I feel you, Soccer Mom. Sometimes what helps me is thinking about other people I've been attached to before and how I barely think of them now. I'm not sure if you had similar feelings toward anyone else in your life but if you have, just remembering that you made it through can help with the anxiety and stress.

I have and I've had those thoughts. But, I also think that one was replaced by another. So, while I didn't see my 1st grade teacher anymore, she was replaced by a camp counselor. I think I then went through a phase of not wanting to attach to anyone. And, now there's T.

Probably the hardest part is that I saw this T. for a few years off and on before. And, it was "normal" then. I didn't care about how much time in between as it was mainly problem solving. So, adult me really thinks "why are you being this way when she hasn't changed" but I know it's due to my mom's death. Maybe I just don't like having someone have such an affect on me.