Going through bad time afraid to ask my T for what I need

First off, let me state I've had some absolutely horrible therapists over the years. I've quit therapy entirely over how bad some of them were (the horror stories I could tell). In fact my quitting therapy was almost a running joke at one point.

Last year I started seeing my T and she's actually wonderful. (so wonderful I haven't fled her office and actually referred someone to her.). She's extremely warm and gentle with me so much so that I told her about an incident in my past that I've never been able to really speak about. She's been great through all of this doing an emergency phone session as well as making me do breathing exercises every time I started getting worked up. (A past T stared at me in horror when I had a panic attack in her office)

I tried to let her know I'm really feeling like I should be punished at the moment. <trigger> I keep having thoughts of self harm and today dying felt preferable to this<\trigger>

I know she needs to know and she does about the first but not the second. I wouldn't act on it but I feel like I need to give her my Swiss Army knife for safe keeping and ask if we can go to biweekly for a while.

I'm afraid of course that she'll say I need to go to the hospital or will tell me no to extra sessions. She probably doesn't have the time to fit me in anyway and has patients that need her more so I probably shouldn't even bring it up. Pretty much my thought is she's going to try to ditch me into some day program where I know from the past I don't do well (I shut down completely in group sessions and trauma based programs are too triggering)

So maybe I should just keep quiet.

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It's good to ask even if she has to say no, and I'm sure she will want to help you. The thing is- without the risk of asking, there's no potential for more help at all- because even if she had to say no to bi-weekly or to holding onto that knife, she might be able to offer something else that would help.

Your impulse right now to ask for biweekly sessions and help to counteract the self-harm impulse is SO healthy!!!!!

Listen to and nurture that voice, you deserve it.

I am sorry you are suffering, I understand your fear of making things worse *especially* with your past experiences, but I really hope you will trust your healthy instinct to ask for help when you need it.

I hope your able to be as honest as possible with your t. It's the only way they can help us. It's okay to be scared and it's okay to take your time.

Well I was as honest as I could be tonight. T was great as usual helping talk me down and work on the self destructive urges. I couldn't bring myself to bring up biweekly mainly because she's at the tail end of an illness herself (and was recently hospitalized and has to still follow up).

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And seriously I hate therapists in general but mine is so super sweet and thankfully experienced enough that nothing has shocked her yet. The only thing that surprised her is that I function as well as I do given the hell I grew up in

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Well done on being honest with your t. It's hard to get everything out in one session, so maybe you could use next session to bring up the topic of biweekly appointments?

Do not be quiet and do share. And she might suggest something even if not extra session. Do not hide how you are feeling

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I woke up this morning with a panic attack and was unable to get out of bed much less go to work. Called T and left a voice mail asking if she could fit me in before my next scheduled appointment on Wednenesday

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Sorry to hear of your panic attack, but KUDOS on calling your T for help!! I hope your day gets better for you.

She just called me back. Wants me to come into the office today. I was hoping for phone but I suspect she wants to see me. Considering I have no desire to shower, dress or look presentable this should be interesting. I may end up going in pajama pants

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I hope your appointment goes well today.

Waiting in the parking lot and my hands are already shaking. I'm surrendering the Swiss Army knife.

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Gave up the knife. Said she was glad I called her this morning and was distressed that I told her tension headaches are normal for me. She wants me to track them and possibly get migraine treatment. She also suggested biweekly I didn't have to bring it up. Once she saw the state I arrived in she got how bad I'm doing right now. She did offer hospitalization but being on the general psych ward won't be of help to me since they're primarily full of people taken in by the cops and I'm not suicidal.

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Im glad you talked to your T in your time of need. I know how hard it is to reach out to T when things are bad. Hugs!

The issue now is the trauma aka the trauma I wouldn't talk about or address. She's figured out that I act a lot tougher than I am as a survival mechanism and that I'm basically a quivering mess under all of this. If there was a legit nearby trauma oriented place (without locked wards) I'd go tomorrow but I know ending up in the hospital up here isn't going to be of any use to me and would likely scare me further and make me want to run from all treatment. I've been basically banned from all attempts to numb or suppress my feelings so this makes life oh so much fun at the moment.

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That's great that you were able to talk to your T about how you are feeling and that you gave her the knife. And good that's she's giving you biweekly sessions. Does she allow between-session contact? That could help you now too.

Do you know if your headaches are definitely migraines rather than tension headaches? Treatment could be different depending. I have both types, and find that tension is more in my neck/back of my head, while migraines are throbbing on one side. Plus I get visual auras before migraines (not everyone does), with flashing lights in one of my eyes and sometimes numbness (I get them much less frequently now that I'm no longer on hormonal birth control). Exercises to stretch and relax your neck can help with both kinds though--just try searching for "neck exercises" or something like that. There are also some trigger points in the back of your neck that can help relieve/prevent headaches if you massage them regularly--I got a book on Amazon about them.

It might be migraines there's a family history. I also carry a lot of tension in my body

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She is allowing between session contact and gave me her email since she wanted me to check in today. I explained via voice and email that I sometimes have a really hard time speaking in session and that I find writing easiest and voice second since I can go mute and shut down when I'm upset.

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