Couch 97: Prime Pyramids

I am ready for our mini-vacation it's coming at a good time. We're not going very far but it will be enough.

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And my lunch is over so i will stop spamming the couch!

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Not saying this is the same thing. But my fixation on my t eased up a lot when i became more accepting of the reality of my mother's shall we say reality. Not really sure how they were linked in my mind. More like blind justice.

I like the first two seasons of Sherlock. Season 3 was a disappointment.

I need to change my appt with T as it clashes with my D's T appt. It's just so hard to get an appt with my T as he is consistently booked out for weeks. I have already waited 2.5 weeks with another 10 days to go. Who knows when I'll see him next. waiting for text back from him.

Not even the puppy is jollying me up today. I hate days that move so slowly you feel like punching them, if i had the energy and motivation to do so.

Endless days of summer, Longer nights of gloom, Just waiting for the morninglight.

You can't get a regular weekly appointment? That kind of instability would drive me nuts...

There is seriously something wrong with me..

I was sitting at the table eating dinner with my kids and husband and I just thought to myself, I hate my life. I find no pleasure in anything I do. I am so disgusted to type this.. I have two beautiful children, that I should enjoy having fun with, but I don't. I have a husband who cares for me, but I don't enjoy being with him. Why can't I just be happy?

Well, part of depression is not being able to find pleasure in anything...

I think sometimes it is more knowing what one really wants or admitting who one really is can play a part. A husband -even a nice caring one, when one wants something else, will not satisfy. No matter how loving or devoted the man, I would not be happy within myself because I am a lesbian. For me, living the wrong life, one against who I am, would leave me depressed no matter the well intentioned or good heartedness of others.

I know it does drive me a bit bats, but its better than nothing at all.

Its days like today where I wish had something in the freezer to whip out because the thought of cooking makes me exhausted. I'll try to whip up a salad to eat with the cold chicken in the fridge.

Just stumbled across this picture on the interwebs and thought this, this is what a therapy hangover feels like:

And this, because cat:

There's no other options? At all? Something like this would be enough to push me to get another T.
Before I left the stbx I had a lot of instability in my appointments - I would often go a month or more without seeing T because of something the stbx did and I was only seeing him biweekly so if I missed an appointment... Well, afterwards T told me that such instability is not therapeutic and his main reason for continuing to see me was for my safety.
Just wondering how much good all these 'little abandonments' are doing you... I don't think it's right of your T not to give you a regular slot.

It's been almost exactly a week since I was subjected to what felt like a major betrayal/abandonment by a very important person in my life. This is the first time I mention anything about it at all in any way. I've done good, I think, to keep it to myself. The pain is still very intense, but a week is not that long. It will pass, like everything else. It is a little easier when I don't think about it, but the evenings in bed before I manage to fall asleep are pretty tough.

I'm sure it was nothing very bad, really, in an objective light. This is all my own subjective experience which has no impact on anybody else, fortunately. And if anybody else had been in my situation they probably would have got over it in half an hour.

Good morning couch.

Maybe it would help to talk about it here?

Cuz the point of therapy, or of group therapy - which this sometimes feels like - is to bring it in. This is something i struggle with. T is always pushing me to spend less time alone.

My issues stem from telling other people things about myself. One major therapy goal for me is to get back to the point where I don't do that so much.

Besides, last time I moved out of my comfort zone and shared something intensely personal and very painful, nobody responded in any way (instead I got quite a bit of flak because I'd written the wrong thing in another post, and that made me feel really bad about myself.) That's how the couch works - it's always a toss-up whether people will notice anything in any given post. As a general rule I think that is a good thing. It goes a little way towards counteracting the extremely public nature of this place. Basically, everything you write here is public property and you might as well stand in the middle of the town square and shout it; the good thing about the couch is that it buries stuff and makes it a tiny bit more anonymous.

I do agree SD.. Though, for me I was trying to weight the pros and the cons. I thought I could be happy, because staying with my H, maintaining the lifestyle.. causes the least amount of upset for the kids. It enables me to stay home with my S, and my D to go to private school and continue with the dance, etc. Not to mention, not having to split their time between mommy's and daddy's house. However, if I am just going to keep coming back to this place of depression.. Maybe there needs to be a change? Ugh.

Headed to see my T in an hour to discuss what happened Sunday night.



I'm dreading this conversation. I feel like I let her down. (I know, it's myself I let down.) Just kinda scared of what she'll say and if she'll want to see what happened. Maternal transference going on here, so it's almost like I expect to be punished or something.

Also don't know if my marriage counselor has been in the office (he had to leave before our appointment Monday, and I'm not sure the reason). I left him a voice mail yesterday about maybe getting an appointment this week instead of Monday and briefly hinted at what happened but haven't heard back. So I don't know if my T has filled him in or not (she has permission, and I talked to her Monday about it on the phone). So if he's there and I see him, I'm kind of dreading the look he'll have in his eyes too. For some reason, I picture walking into my T's office and having them both sitting in there, like now "mom" and "dad" are going to talk to me (maybe with my p-doc as the aunt, too, though I saw her yesterday already and don't have all the transference for her that I do for T and MC).

And I wish I could have a hug from one or both, but know I can't.

Still haven't told my husband--that's the reason I was hoping for an earlier MC appointment. Dreading that too.

Guess I should probably start getting ready...

Hope that wasn't too much for the couch...

I've been having oatmeal for lunch lately, its cheap and i like it and its good for me so bonus! Today someone gave me a little packet of crystal lite drink mix cherry_pomegranite flavor so i got adventurous and added some to my oatmeal. Super yum!!

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So, I was supposed to have a recliner delivered to my house around 1ish.. It's almost 4 and nothing. Going to call in a couple of mins and see what's going on!