Touch

Disclose to other people? Sheesh. From what you've written, she hasn't even helped you safely process and come to terms with the things you've shared in therapy. Please trust your gut on disclosing to other people. Your therapist has been running roughshod over you. Nothing about what you've said over the past year has shown that she knows what she's doing related to your history. The only thing she's shown is that she knows how to make you break down and be vulnerable to her.

Disclose what and to what other people? ??

Good grief. It's as though your T is trying to punish you for feeling good about basic human needs (touch, comfort, love). The more you mention about this T, the more insane I find her to be. She is downright mean.

As far as therapy not helping you, I can see why you would think that. BUT, in this case, the problem seems not to be with therapy in general. The problem is with with your cruel so called therapist. It's unfortunate you wound up with a bad seed for your first therapy experience. For each bad T, there are many more good, effective, helpful ones out there.

It sounds like she is getting off on the transference and doing her best to cultivate and prolong it by mind ******* you. There is such a thing as counter-transference... She sounds sick and dangerous to me.

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Thanks, all, for your replies. A family member of mine is a T, and I told her the story. She was also quite sure my T was falling into a countertransference trap, caught herself, and backed off. Very harmful to me, yes. But somehow I understand that? I just wish she'd think about it from my perspective is all.... I am afraid I'm misrepresenting her a bit...she's not sick and dangerous. Bad choices, oh yeah....but I honestly think she just doesn't have a clue. She apparently stepped outside the frame of her boundaries for me when she thought I needed it.... doing something she said she's never offered anyone else in 25 years. I asked her what made me so damn special, and she said she thought I could use the extra support just then, she was having a hard time reaching me, and thought this was the only way. Yeah, that was a mistake. I guess we're all human, we all make mistakes.... but this one really hurt me. It's hurtful to feel SO rejected by someone who made me feel SO safe and accepted during the pain....

I believe she made quite a mistake, and may be too proud to own up to it. I'm left thinking I'm the one with the problem. Yes, there have been other questionable things she's done.... but I honestly think my cousin is right, because I felt that way. She got herself too attached to me, and she allowed the counter=transference to cloud her judgment. Yes, at my expense. I just wish she'd own it.

But she's not owning it, which is compounding an eggregious mistake. It's not a small mistake, it's a serious, damaging breach of duty, error in judgement that shouldn't ever have happened the way it did. The ongoing nature of it, the abrupt halt and the many other things. All the inconsistencies and justifications and issues.

Countertransference happens, but the therapist is required to deal with it professionally, so sure, your cousin can be right, but that justifies nothing. The existence of countertransference is never a free pass to screw up.

But you want her so much you're minimizing it all and defending her though you came here because of the pain she caused, you're still stuck with her. That's understandable, but sad. Because now both of you are hurting you it seems. I think you want us to validate your pain but also to validate the therapy and therapist, and that seems paradoxical to almost all of us as far as I can tell.

Musing, you are not mispresenting her at all; if anything, you are giving her too much benefit of the doubt and excusing very damaging behavior. The thing is, we have distance (and some of us have a lot of therapy experience, so we can spot this crap) and can see the manipulation going on. It's chilling.

I totally get why you can't leave. That inability, self-blame and covering for your therapist who is very good about making you feel special to keep you close, are signs of a problem.

Signs of a good therapy relationship:

You feel empowered to make your own decisions, without fear or concern of the therapist's reaction (will she take something away? will she remove her love?)

Your real life relationships are improving, or you are moving in that direction.

You're making connections between the past and present and seeing ways to break cycles.

You feel better about yourself.

Your therapist is consistent and not doing bizarre things like texting during her honeymoon or talking on the phone to her daughter and daughter's treatment team during your session.

You feel stronger and more connected to yourself and others.

You feel free to leave therapy when it feels right to you.

Those are just some examples.

Anyway, I think we've all (or most of us) have been in bad relationships that feel impossible to break free from, so there's no judgement here. Just a wish for you to reclaim yourself in all of this.

Thanks Leah. I'm sure my own judgment is clouded as well. I've been reading on some do's and don'ts in therapy, and she's on the list a few times. We really hit it off together, from the start. Things were going well, as well as therapy can go, and I think we both got too close. I kept a therapy journal, so can give the dates she sat by me and offered comfort if I so choose to figure it all out (I have not). She said maybe half a dozen times. It was much, much more than that. The first time she offered this, in that same session she talked about how she wasn't going to give up on me. She let me cry on her shoulder, and I said "I'm sorry." She said "I'm not." I get tears in my eyes thinking of that now.

She has told me I'm just as important as anyone else (in her practice), and more important than some. I've read that's a red flag. She's answered texts, Emails, and taken calls during my session, although not often. We were texting once and I told her I had to go, and I wouldn't "keep her," and she texted me back that she had time, she was multitasking, as she was texting me while she was on a phone session. That bothered me, as I know if I were the person on the phone session I wouldn't want to know my T was texting with someone else while talking to me. I definitely quit texting her after she said that. She held me, then abruptly took it away. She'd use the word love, then took that away saying it wasn't genuine. She gave me long, healing hugs, then told me prolonged hugs weren't useful. All of this right after she said NOTHING WILL CHANGE HERE. She brought her daughter to my session once, and I was uncomfortable with her sitting in the waiting room waiting for my session to be over. She texted me beforehand, saying she'd probably have her daughter, and that "you'll get to meet her!" Really? I didn't meet her, and it's not like she could introduce me anyway.

Without her "owning" at least some of her mistakes, I don't think I can go on without feeling hurt. I'm far too sensitive, even for therapy I'm afraid.

You're right Leah, we're both hurting me. I'm trying so hard to just understand this and move on. I'm afraid this is probably unfixable, but I have wanted to try, or wait it out, because we do work so well together otherwise.

You are NOT too sensitive!!!!!!!!!!

Your sensitivity level is perfect.

What is flawed, forgive me, is your level of self-blame!

I agree completely about the red flags you have identified. You are right, your failing is not to trust yourself.

(I wonder if you see any relationship patterns from the rest of your life repeating here- do you think it might be something you deal with elsewhere, to want to make things right no matter the cost, to... damp down your instincts, to be more comfortable hurting than leaving, to make do?)

No, I knew this before therapy. I AM very sensitive... my T has commented on it too. It's driven me nuts my whole life. I really am affected by the smallest things that other people wouldn't be phased by.... I think that's why I keep questioning myself about this whole situation. I mean, really, T's should be allowed to tailor their boundaries when the need arises, right? I just wish I knew why. And I wish she could assure me that she won't go changing things/taking things away without talking to me first, or at least informing me. Because I'm driving myself crazy watching for changes to happen now.

I thought she said why. Something how it is not helpful and creates too much dependency? That it is not what she normally does but only did because you were in some type of crisis at the moment I am not defending her at all, it just seemed to me she did say why she decided against it ? Maybe I am confused

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I thought she said why. Something how it is not helpful and creates too much dependency? That it is not what she normally does but only did because you were in some type of crisis at the moment I am not defending her at all, it just seemed to me she did say why she decided against it ? Maybe I am confused

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Yes, she said that. But will not tell me what occurred for her to stop the way she did. I've never really been in a crisis with her per se... just a dark place where she had a hard time reaching me.

But she already DID reassure you nothing would change and it did anyway so what do you get from her reassurance when it means nothing? She's never going to admit counter transference. The real goal is to work on why you feel how you feel. T does not create a perfect environment that helps you never get hurt, T is supposed to work on tools to overcome current hurt and let go of oold wounds so that when life hurts you (and it will) you can withstand it.

But the T does have a basic responsibility to not intentionally cause hurt. Giving a certain kind of support and then withdrawing it is clearly both hurtful and intentional

I agree so what worth does her reassurance hold

It is NOT wrong or unprofessional for a t to touch a client, as long as it is discussed, etc.....Touch can be more valuable than words could ever be. There is an article by a Dr. Zur regarding how society is so touch-phobic and has been sexualized so that ts are fearful of touch, etc. I agree with the poster about sharing what you have said with your t. There is no reason to suffer.

http://www.zurinstitute.com/touchint...ml#prohibition

Personally, i dont think she has to "admit countertransference". That is sooooo vague. I know "transference" is also vague, but i honestly believe that on the clients side, yeah, 99 pct chance something is transference; on the ts side, maybe 1 pct. It could be a book they read, a suggestion somebody made, an idea, anything.

That she ADMITTED it was wrong is IMO good enough. When my t effed up, i didnt rub his nose in it. I dont understand why you are holding her feet to the fire, if indeed you are? What exactly do you want her to say to you? And who else cant you forgive in your life? Maybe its about them, not her. You dont have to answer this here, but maybe this is more about working the issue out with whoever - t is just an easier target. T for transference sorry!

I don't understand defending this therapist. And I certainly think more of them react due to their own transference than they admit or some people like to think. I would not forgive this one not only for her mistake - which was not minor, but for her attempts to demand OP not talk about it.

Well, i look at it like, there are two piles of poop in the room. Im gonna dig into my OWN pile! Keep that OTHER pile over THERE! Knead(sic) to know basis only
!

This t sucks. I for sure don't defend her. I was just saying that she did explain why she did and why she stopped. Now it doesn't mean it's ok or excusable. She is very much in the wrong. But I kind of agree with hankster that maybe real pain is about something else

. It happens to me. Whenever I appear to be terribly hurt over something it is often something else that upsets me, something that I can't or won't address. So I focus on something that is much easier to address. Something that can't cause crucial consequence.

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I stand by sick and dangerous. She has caused you harm. She continues to cause you harm. She is re-victimizing you within the context of your therapy.

The fact that she is a professional in a position where she wields a great deal of power and can inflict more pain than many other people in your life would have the opportunity to do so precisely because of the nature of the therapist/client relationship and the inherent intimacy and vulnerability. This makes her VERY dangerous. As a professional what she is doing is inexcusable and she should lose her license.

As a human being... Sure we all make mistakes. She obviously has her own issues.....

BUT she is a trained professional and she knows better. This is stuff she would have covered in school and is "therapy do's and don'ts 101".

The fact that she knows all of this and is doing it anyway because of her selfishness and need makes it obvious that she is VERY sick and should be sitting on the other side of the desk.

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I've done that- focus on a small easier thing, misdirect my pain. But while the OP has issues, hence she is in therapy, I don't believe this transgression, this serious error on the therapist's part is a smokescreen of any type.

If we review this therapist's history with this client and her ridiculous, untherapeutic inconsistency, her inappropriate boundaries, etc. etc. etc. it's clear that she has created a whole new issue for the client.

The client may have needed to deal with other related things from her past, but that has nothing to do with this therapist screwing up in a painful way.

I just hope the OP will eventually come to trust herself over this faux-authority figure.

[QUOTE=divine1966;4589574] But I kind of agree with hankster that maybe real pain is about something else

. It happens to me. Whenever I appear to be terribly hurt over something it is often something else that upsets me, something that I can't or won't address. So I focus on something that is much easier to address. Something that can't cause consequence. /QUOTE]

It's obvious that there are some triggers/issues for you here and probably some great opportunities for growth.. My heart goes out to you.

I personally don't think it's safe for you to work them out with her though... Especially since she's incapable/unwilling to be honest. It seems to me that you'd be re-living or rehearsing rather than resolving.

It is clear that you need to protect her. I'm guessing here but suspect that it's because really admitting her wrong doing might mean you need to leave her and losing her is unbearable to you.

If you aren't ready to do that then the idea of seeing someone else song with her might be the way to go.

She's already demonstrated that she can't be trusted. HER needs feature far to prominently in your therapy. This relationship is extremely dysfunctional.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

((((((Hug)))))))

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I agree. This t is wacko and yes she contributed to the damage. I am in agreement

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