Reporting an abuser

Monalisa, I'm in the UK and have had a similar experience. It is different here than the US, also laws are changing...

My T pointed out that if she doesn't know someone's name and details, they can't be reported. So we stick to that.

I know that it's pants, and it hurts so much. I felt that I'd forgotten that we (me and T) exist in the real world, and I came down to earth with such a bump. It definitely put the brakes on my talking about that aspect.

And, I work with kids affected by csa, and I do believe that adults have the obligation to protect vulnerable children. So. I want one rule for me and another one for everyone else

Thank you for your opinion Roth, I agree that she doesn't have my best interests at heart. She knows that I will never give her the name or anyone else the name so pushing me is causing me great distress and anxiety and I freeze up even more.
I said that I didn't like the challenging lately but she said that it ws her personality nothing personal.
It must have been really hard living with the abuser xx

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See, as Lolagrace posted links there is anew law here and it means perps will be prosecuted if they are named. Everyone is up in arms about it and therapists are unsure what exactly their role is and how to support clients knowing they will be silencing them all over again. It's ok as long as you don't name your abuser, on e the name is said it will be reported and brought to court. This is the last thing I want and no matter how clear I am abou fit with her she still asks every week. She is like a dog within a bone.


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Thanks everyone for your thoughts and replies so far, I guess the law is different in every state/ country. The law sucks and I am so mad with t for putting me in this situation and laying the guilt trip on me, I never expected her to pull that stunt but she has and it hurts more than being abused did.

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I wonder how or if it relates to the training. Like they want to wipe csa out, period, so they are just going to go after everyone IN the system. Like all ts would have to be able to say to their clients, "i reported my abuser, so i KNOW how you feel. But its what we have to do to stop it once and for all." But it seems awful to put everybodys grandpa in jail when they are old and sick. And house arrest would just be cruel to grandma.

well the law is from 2014 - hopefully a modification will come soon. If only that the t cannot keep prodding the client for a name. Thats the govt telling a dr how to practice medicine, which usually they dont interfere with.

MonaLisa, I'm so sorry that your T is laying on the guilt. I understand how it re-reacts aspects of the abuse, like making it the child's fault...which it never is, and it's not your fault now. It may be a personal agenda for her too, I don't know how close you are but a different T might be a bit more relaxed about it.

And, re Grandpa in jail...the move here in the UK now is to prosecute, regardless of age and infirmity, eg Rolf Harris. In my own, personal, opinion, I think they should go to jail no matter how old or ill they are, if they have to be wheeled in then so be it.
Sorry.
Bit cross about that one. I'll go away now...

I never gave the therapist any names nor would I. But they did try the old "he is doing it to others, don't you care" on me too. It seems a common ploy. Mine was not of the bad sort. Nothing at all would be gained by destroying his life and messing with the rest of my family.

Red, dont go away! thats why i wrote it like that - "oh poor grampa" - as in, wtf? Yeah, NOW maybe hes oh poor grampa, his kidneys are failing or whatever, but look what he got away with his whole life, and who is still suffering for it? Why do WE feel so guilty now? Thats kinda bizarre!

Maybe jail isnt appropriate - but some sort of payback?

Not everyone finds payback necessary.

Oh I see.....
Thanks
Jail is about the best we have I guess

I should have said like deterrent? Plus it appears the state is now saying, we've changed our minds about the statute of limitations. What do you think about that?? Can they do that? Seems like something like the principle of double jeopardy would apply. How can they change horses mid stream like that?

That was me. I found no need or desire to report my abusers for various reasons. That needed to be my decision, and thankfully it was. For me, I handled the situation within my family and my focus was on my own healing and moving forward. Pressing charges wasn't necessary for my own healing. If it is for other people, then that should be their choice in their own time.

When, for whatever reason, you live through the childhood abuse and make it into adulthood without the abuse having been detected and reported while you were still a minor, when you are now an adult who is no longer in danger, when the abusers from your past are no longer a threat to any children, the last thing many of us want or need is to have our power taken away again by well-meaning but misguided self-proclaimed saviors of the world. I'm not out to save the world, and my abusers were not going to destroy it; they were satisfied just to try to destroy my little corner of it. My route to reclaiming my life and my power had to be personal and driven by me. Had someone stepped in and thrown my history into the public venue of the legal system, it would have created probably at least as much damage and trauma as the original abuse.

Had the threat that if I named my abusers they would be reported and prosecuted hovered over my own therapy, I would have not even pursued therapy and would never have gotten to this place of healing and peace in my life that I've been blessed with today. THAT would have been a tragedy, and unfortunately will be the outcome of this kind of policy.

Lola, what you said seems like the threat that is implied by this law. You may have seen the same googles i did, which were chilling; in effect - "if the state has to pay for the mental care caused by these perps, then the state has the right to jail them". Like, watch what you wish for, you might get it. Why should all the millions of dollars go to just the victims? The state probably wants their cut of the church's money for example. Except they forget - they (the state) was complicit in the abuse by not prosecuting in the first place. Its always been against the law, hasnt it?,

It is a threat, and unfortunately it is a threat to the survivors who simply want to heal and survive, telling them not to talk or something bad will happen to them, their families. Sounds like what the abusers told so many of us, doesn't it?

Edited to add: In fact, I'll go further. They are saying "We are doing this for your own good. Just trust us and do what we tell you to do. It will be good for you." Again, sounds eerily like the abusers themselves.

We are adults here, and barring current danger to children, this must be our decision. It isn't a one-size-fits-all situation.

Mona, it would be interesting for you to share the responses on this thread with your therapist. You are in an unimaginable position with your therapist in your country and your predicament, obviously, touches various nerves in many of us. And we don't all agree which I think is sort of the point. We are individuals and deserve the respect to be treated individually. Please know you are on my mind. I have no idea how I would handle your situation. At this point it just infuriates me so much that I can't hardly think straight about it.

From everything I am reading about his law, your therapist IS overstepping her bounds since no children are currently in danger. The law only pertains to reporting when children are currently being abused. I still wouldn't trust her as far as I can kick her though; she seems to want to go all rogue on you about this. That's a shame because the law does not, as far as I can tell, require her to report past abuse.

Seems like there should be a difference between a t being a "mandated reporter" and being a "government interrogator", ya think?

Yes, and it feels like therapists are now working for the government and are in fact spies, worming out all of this perps.
I think the healing work in therapy is a thing of the past

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I really think she is being blinded by her own agenda or perhaps has been a victim of abuse in the past and is seeking revenge through me.
I remember a few months ago and there was a case of a girl I knew had brought her uncle to court for CSA and won the case, t actually brought in the news paper to show me. I just said hoe I knew this girl and was shocked about what happened but t was suggesting that I have to follow in her shoes.

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I am sorry if this is triggering for you and others Lola, I should have put a trigger warning on it.
I am sure if I brought this to t she would say, and you are going to listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet over me. But, I think that the people on here have lived through and experienced some of what I am going through and are in a better place ti give me advice. I am afraid that t has got it wrong again. Thus is not the way to treat me or any client in this situation. I wonder is she trying to provoke me and get my anger out again.

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Don't worry about triggering me. I'm fine. I think you may be right about her own history. Really odd of her to bring in news clippings to your sessions. Let us know how things progress with her.

Besides, we're not your usual gang of internidiots, are we? We got lawyers and teachers and 'beens, oh my!

Thanks Hankster and Lola and everyone else who took the time to respond. I really appreciate the time you all took to help. I will let you know how it goes on Thursday with her.
We got all sorts on here Hankster, perhaps even some famous folks!

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