Starting to feel a connection...

She has said it's not her intention to abandon me. According to my fiance, she told him the only way she'll abandon me is if she dies or if I threaten her life.

Now, we have already discussed termination. There will be a termination. It is her intention to give me adequate time to process it. We have even discussed several scenarios in which termination had to be instant and how I would want that to happen.

She says she never makes promises because promises are always broken and you can never predict the future.

So I have a new hw assignment...

My T allowed me to do a check-in call today. I told her about my concerns of feeling close too quickly. She wants me to come up with a scale, 1 through 10, describing each lvl of closeness. So 1 would be something like she doesn't mean anything to me, I don't think about her, I don't care, etc. 10 would be something like obsessive, clingy, etc. Then I'm supposed to choose the number I'm at and she'll help me to determine if it's too quick, too slow, just right, how to slow down if I need to, or how to healthily progress foward.

So if any of you can help me describe this scale, I'd appreciate the help!

It would impossible for us to put a number on this for you. Be truthful. She's already promised to help u slow down if needed.

Oh, I'm not asking for help choosing my number Just figuring out the ranking. Still might be impossible, but had to ask.

I'm supposed to do the ranking before choosing the number.

Oh i misunderstood sorry. Well, do feel like you're getting clingy obsessive rate it closer to 10. If you dont think you are quite there i would rate it in the 4-6 range. If not even close to obsessive 1-3. Thats how i would do it. Does that help?

At a 5/6 I'd put something like, healthy, natural connection--able to ask for support comfortably; able to use skills independently and have calm reaction to separations. The middle would sort of be stable-ish I guess.

(My T always said scales like this work better on a 1-9 so there is a clear middle at 5. That's that statistician in him coming out.)

Edited to add: If you use a 1-9 scale, figure out your 1 and 5 and 9 first. Then 3 and 7, etc. It helps to divide it up that way so you can set good dividing points on the scale. T and I worked on this together in regards to evaluating depression level.

Ex-T and I also developed a scale for depression, and I still use it with new T. The scale is a little easier though because anything lower than a 7 was good.

I'm just finding this difficult because it's so embarrassing. I'm talking about my feelings towards her and she's going to be sitting right in front of me! That's like being in a relationship and being the first to say "I love you". (No, I don't love new T). And she doesn’t have to share her own feelings, which will be less than mine anyways.

On the other hand, I know this is very important to talk about. Relationships are one of my biggest hindrances in life. And what better way to learn then with someone who is [suppose to be] neutral and educated in this area.

I will be able to identify where I'm at, but describing it, writing it out...that's what I'm struggling with. And a lot of it is purely emotional. I don't really have actions based on my feelings. I have wants and desires, but I don't actually ask for them. It's all kept inside my head. The only person I ever ask anything from is my fiance and that's because I know it's appropriate. I usually tend to overly watch boundaries, so I don't do anything inappropriate.

But ty. The suggestions help me get started.

Yeah, she wants me to describe each number and pick only one number, not a range. If 5 is healthy attachment (which I really don't know what that looks like) as Lolagrace described, then I think I would be at a 3.

It took me a year to get comfortable enough with my current T where I felt I could start telling her the big buried nasty stuff. I've gotten very attached since I've done so and it scares me for reasons of abandonment. (I don't attach easily and have a very hard time being vulnerable)

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I don't really have anything that's too big to tell her. There are some things that make me extremely embarrassed or uncomfortable (i.e. sex, food, anything to do with my body really, so I don't talk about them. And then I do have one deep dark secret, but after ex-T, I've decided it should remain a secret. I struggle talking about my feelings, but I still am able to talk. I'm just a very open person. That and I've already talked about my past enough that it doesn't bother me.

But I tend to get attached to people too easily and too much. It always leads to pain because the feelings are never reciprocated. That and they always leave. It's probably why I've been abandoned so many times. And after just recently being abandoned by my ex-T, I'm too fragile to deal with another abandonment.

My new T did tell me again yesterday on the phone that it is not her intention to abandon me or to hurt me like ex-T did. But words don't mean much to me right now. Ex-T promised so many things, and yet she broke all her promises. I can't deal with that again.

Struggling with this too. Oh my God so much.

Still need help if anyone is willing.

I need help filling out 2-4 and 6-8.

I'm also struggling with where I fit on this scale. Can I be in two places at once? I know I'm somewhere btwn a 3 and 7, but I don't think I'm a 5. Maybe I am?

I definitely have an attachment to her. I'm not clingy or obsessive. I don't think I am idealistic. I am starting to get seperation anxiety I guess. It's more of a longing. I am really starting to want her approval and reassurance. I am becoming more dependent on her, but couldn't that be a good thing compared to having no dependence at all? I do fear her. I fear her rejecting me or abandoning me. It makes me want to push her away and not get close at all. But then I do want to be close. I want to hug her. But maybe that makes me too attached. I really don't know!

Maybe just take in what you've done and have a discussion about it. Perhaps you don't need a descriptor for absolutely every number.

I say take in what you've got and what u just said and she'll be able to help. Say you couldnt figure out the number.

The connection is officially squashed. Nothing. No attachment. Problem solved.

Today was the 2nd worst day in therapy I've ever had. I got the s*** emotionally kicked out of me. My T asked that I bring my fiance in today to talk about "support". I had a very bad feeling about this. I was so scared to come in that I was making myself nauseous.

Basically, she says she's not enough support for me. She wants me to structure my life even if it's doing something I don't want to do. Originally, she gave me a deadline of 2 weeks, but I got her to remove that. She said that if I didn't get better or didn't structure my life in 2 weeks, we would have to start looking into outpatient even if that meant I couldn't see her for awhile. I told her that I had already been through all of this with ex-T, but she said that I might have to repeat things with her because she's not ex-T.

We also had her part of my crisis plan. That was her idea. The plan was that if I felt like cutting, I should call her. So I did this week, twice. It's been a difficult week. Now she says it's too much and it's not working. That she won't always be able to say something supportive and thinks the risk of her making it worse isn't worth it. Oh yeah, she had to remind me that she charges phone calls that go over 15mins (one phone call this week was 9mins, the other 7).

On top of all of that, my fiance told my T that I needed reassurance, comfort and care from her. She said she wouldn't always be able to provide that, and she never tells her clients she cares about them...

I'm so done with all of this. I just want to die. I understand boundaries, but damn. I cried the whole session. I was so bad that we had to extend the session and extra hour just so I could go home safely. But I'm not safe.
This pain is too great. This on top of the pain of ex-T. T might as well have abandoned me today. Don't think I could be in anymore pain atm...unless my dogs died. I don't belong here in this world. I try my damned hardest, but I just fail. Why do I have to suffer so freaking much?!?! Two doctors have now told me I need a higher level of care. I really don't think I'm that bad off! Well, now I am. I'm just done. I can't get better.

Oh my, this is really bad. I am so sorry.

You are asking for support that no professional is willing to give you.

Well, killing yourself is a bad idea. Don't argue to the contrary, because you would be wrong. Period.

So, what are your options?

I don't know, except inpatient, and I don't think you want that.

What I get from you is this incredibly intense, visceral, need to have your therapist be ------ for you.

And they won't do that.

So options.

Continue to search for the Holy Grail therapist.

Or.

Stop therapy.

You are not going to get what you want from a therapist. Maybe you need to change what you want -I don't know how to do that. Or, just, stop looking.

All I can say is that I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I really am. I wish I had something insightful to say.

Hopefully Leah or lolagrace will chime in because their thoughts, I find, are very helpful.

Hugs.

I hope they comment too. Even though I can put up a real fight with those two (and sometimes you), when it comes down to it, all yours advice is logical

I think I want what SD has in a T except I want mine to be more supportive. I want someone to talk to and to listen to me. I want advice and encouragement and to learn. I do not want to be bossed around or threathened.

I get the feeling that people constantly project their expectations on me. Like T today telling me I need to do something evrn if it meant getting a job I hate. She is the first person who thinks I should get a job in the state I'm in. I want to be a stay at home wife/mom. I want to go back to school (which I have already contacted a counselor at my local college). Maybe, I might work part time if it's something I know I'll excel at and that has flexibility. That's what I want.

Maybe I don't need to be therapizied. I keep looking to fix something. What if I'm not broken? What if I just need to let life take it's course and keep trying? Maybe I just need to find my niche. Could be school or maybe a church? Something. Maybe it's being a mom (yes, this proves I'm not ready yet...don't worry). How do I know though?

I really just want a neutral person to be there. To walk with me through my journey.

I'm really thinking of quiting this T. I think this rupture is too big for me.

By the way, I won't kill myself. I just feel like it right now. It's more hopelessness than anything. I know I'll survive this somehow.

I'm a bit scared to respond because you aren't generally terribly receptive to my posts when you are in this kind of state. Please know I am not here trying to cause you pain.

In fact, your therapist is not trying to cause you pain either. I think Pam is on to something when she says you want _____ from T's that they can't possibly provide -- the elusive Holy Grail.

You say you want a neutral person to be there, but you don't act like you want neutral. When your T is trying to maintain neutrality, you call that a lack of connection, you call that abandonment, so I'm not sure you are seeing that about yourself (or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you mean by neutral).

Your T is trying to walk through this journey while maintaining neutrality with you. She is setting boundaries that would ask you to develop some structure and independence not tied to her and to therapy all the time. That would set some balance in your life hopefully where the therapist and therapy aren't so all-consuming in your life. So, perhaps that structure is some regular involvement in church (you've mentioned that as a possibility). School maybe? A part-time job maybe? A regular exercise routine? Those are just ideas. Is it really so off for a therapist to ask you to find a bit more structure in your life as a way of finding some balance? Even you mention that possibility in this post so you seem to realize that is something that could be helpful to you. But why is that suggestion coming from a therapist's mouth so threatening to you instead of it just being a good idea as a way to head you toward healing and independence? Why do you see such suggestions as threatening when coming from someone other than yourself, particularly a therapist? Just something to think about.

She is maintaining professional boundaries with you because she's seen the damage caused by a T you got too close to and then were crushed by. By maintaining that professional boundary about contact, telling you how personally she cares, etc., she is actively trying not to repeat the mistakes that were made in your care in the past that left you in this state in the first place. She is actively working NOT to be your ex-T because ex-T was actively damaging to you. You do need this T to be different. And that has bothered you from day one; you've said repeatedly you know you are constantly wanting her to be more like ex-T. But you also know where ex-T left you. You don't need a repeat of that and I suspect you know that but it hurts when this T very deliberately is working in your best interest NOT to repeat that past.

You can quit therapy. That's an option. Or perhaps you can work on the first step she asked you to work on which is implementing some healthy structure into your life. You already said you have some ideas about that. Start there. That's really all she's asking you to do right now. It seems to be a good idea. Try not to jump ahead of that. And yes, sometimes you have to kind of force yourself into that structure and activity even when you don't feel it. Sometimes there's a lag-time between our actions physically and our emotions/mood catching up with it. That's pretty typical of depression.

Seems like she hopes and wants to see you taking actions to move your life forward with some structure and balance. Rome wasn't built in a day. It doesn't have to be all perfect in two weeks. But what can you do to build some structure into your life within the next two weeks? It doesn't have to be permanent. You'll make adjustments as you go.

One step at a time.

Okay.

But can you or someone else please tell me how do I do this thing called structure...fast? I'm trying! I contacted a reverend last week for the 3rd time! I first communicated with her like 3 months ago. Not my fault it isn’t working out. Last week I also contacted my DSPS college counselor to look into completing my AA. I have tried to volunteer at a few of my favorite shops, but they don't want volunteers. Working at the pound would be depressing. I will not volunteer at the hospital again. And what if I take a real job?!?! How the hell do I do that?!?! That scares the **** out of me. What if I have an anxiety attack at work? What if I have a breakdown? What if it's when I'm in front of a customer. And then there's the money situation with being on SSI.

And how do I get over the pain from today's session? How do I forgive when everything inside me screams to run away? And this pain is so immense. All I'm doing is crying. I can barely move because I physically hurt.

How do I go forward? What step do I take? How do you stay so strong?

Oh. Btw, when I say neutral, I mean more like someone who is not a part of my life. Like you all are neutral to me.

You don't need to wait for the minister to become involved in church. Generally at services they have a bulletin or even a power point with upcoming activities, classes, groups, etc. They always need volunteers to do all sorts of things. They may have a website or activity guide to look at to help you get started. For me at church it is all the musical activities I get involved in. My husband can't physically do a whole lot, but he goes in and makes the coffee and sets out the snacks on Sunday mornings while visiting with the other people who do that kind of thing. One son likes to work in the nursery believe it or not and help with the little kids in Sunday school. My husband and I joined a bible study group that only meets once a month, but it is a nice, close-knit group that has become a source of some social activity and support. My mom sets up communion and helps visit the shut-ins and makes meals for families that need them because of hospitalizations or other crises going on. My dad changes lightbulbs and does small repairs. Trust me, the amount of things to get involved in with a church are nearly endless.

Structure your day. Get up and walk the dog (or at least yourself) every day at the same time. Work on increasing your distance a bit each day. My son has taken to doing that this summer. He religiously takes two walks a day at about the same time. (The dogs make sure he sticks to his schedule.) Don't like to walk. Does your community have an exercise facility or a class you can take? Doesn't have to be anything serious. A yoga class or a fun cooking class or something.

Volunteer in a neighborhood school. You don't have to have a child in school to do that. They always need help. You can meet other people that way and make a real contribution to your community. And school is just gearing up right now so they are going to be busy. Find out how to get involved with the PTA; they'll find more than enough to keep you busy.

Go to the community college and register for a class or two. Don't overdo it. Just get a taste of it. This is the time to do it with classes about to start up. My son just registered for his classes today.

Don't "what if" yourself to death. Just try one or two things to get started. You don't have to plan out every minute. Just a couple of things that add something to your life throughout the week. Your T isn't asking for perfection. She's just wants to see you start putting something into place for yourself that will provide some structure, some opportunity for healthy activity, perhaps some interaction with other people, some nurturing of your own interests . . .

Just a couple of things. That's all you have to start with.

But you say that and seem to expect something different from your therapist. . . do you see that? What you are saying and how you are reacting don't seem to line up, so I am wondering if you aren't quite seeing that dichotomy.

Scarlet, I'm going to head to bed. Get some sleep and give this more thought tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Take care of yourself and get some rest.

Our situations aren't anywhere near comparable, and I don't have answers to most of your questions. But I will say that at this time two years ago I had been away from my particular faith for decades. I had wanted to go back for years and just could never take the plunge. I always made excuses - who wants to get up early on a weekend, I won't know anyone, etc. - and knowing I was making excuses made me loathe myself more. So I ended up setting a date - Jan. 1, for obvious reasons and because that's a holy day in my church - and just went. And kept on going. I didn't know anyone (until I discovered a colleague attended the same church), and I didn't much like getting up early on a weekend, but just going gave me some peace of mind. Like I had taken a step and actually done something I wanted to do, that I could realize my own goals instead of just treading water. Then the more I went the more my faith returned, until it became self-perpetuating, and an asset in my life.

It didn't happen fast, of course, restructuring one's life never does, but I don't think you have to restructure it in two weeks. It sounds like you just have to put your feet on a path, even if it's just the start, and you will have company in your fiancé and therapist.

I don't know what church you're thinking of joining, but is it really necessary to contact the reverend first? Isn't it the sort of place you could just drop in on services and then build up to participating more fully in the community and talking to the reverend?

I hope things get at least a little better soon.