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  #1  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:14 AM
Anonymous37925
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A while ago we were discussing T's thoughts and feelings about working with me, and he said that when I came to him from T1 he experienced jealousy because of my strong feelings and connection to T1 which I had been honest about not feeling towards him. I really admired his courage in making that disclosure because it can't have been easy to admit, and it didn't bother me that he had felt that.
Last session we were talking about a time I contemplated seeing both Ts, but T1 wouldn't see clients who had a second therapist, so I said "I couldn't have done that because I wouldn't have been able to lie to T1". After that conversation, T said "By the way, I noticed you didn't say you wouldn't be able to lie to me". There was something about the way he said it that sounded sort of insecure and like he was seeking reassurance (which I gave him, and I said I felt compelled to reassure him that session).
That seeming insecurity is out of character with how I usually perceive him. I don't know if I'm making too much of this, or whether he is still feeling jealous about my feelings towards T1. I'm finding it quite unsettling, the more I think about it.
Is this my issue or his? I don't know whether it's really therapy material, but it's bothering me.

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  #2  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:22 AM
Anonymous50005
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I heard that statement about lying more as calling you on it than jealousy or insecurity. At least, if those words had come out of my T's mouth, they would have been more of a challenge to me about my own thinking/behaviors than of some sort of insecurity on his part.

Ask him about it if it's bothering you.
  #3  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:28 AM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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I would consider it his problem. The one I see has gotten snarky a few times when I had to correct her about her role in my life - a couple of time she has said things like "god forbid I should feel good about my job" and I usually simply stated it was not my place to try to make her feel good about her job. I didn't really see it as insecure - more just not my problem. The woman does not really say anything about the second one I see anymore. She usually only said it was my right if I wanted to see another one and once commented I must spend a fortune on therapy. I just said how much I spend is my problem not hers and as long as her bill was paid, there was no reason for her to concern herself with it.
She also once tried fishing to see if I would tell her if I said anything about her to the other one and I informed her I did not spend money talking about her to the other therapist.
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  #4  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:28 AM
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From everything you've described about therapist #2, I would be put off balance by the jealousy comment too, just because it would shake up my perception of him. On the upside, it does show that he's more human and approachable than you reported early on.

It is a strange confession though. Does he have a dry sense of humor? If so, I would look at it in that light and be glad to see a different side of him. If he was being totally serious, I would want to talk it over with him to understand it better.
  #5  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:29 AM
Anonymous37925
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Originally Posted by lolagrace View Post
I heard that statement about lying more as calling you on it than jealousy or insecurity. At least, if those words had come out of my T's mouth, they would have been more of a challenge to me about my own thinking/behaviors than of some sort of insecurity on his part.

Ask him about it if it's bothering you.
Yeah, I know it sounds like that on paper, but it was in the way he said it. It sounded jealous. I can't quite but my finger on why, but it almost sounded like "why do you care more about him than me?". He was almost smirking in an uncomfortable, child-like way. It seemed weird, and came after I had already told him I was feeling compelled to reassure him
  #6  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:34 AM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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I would ignore his inappropriate (jealous) statement and go on with what interested me. I really don't think it is the client's problem. I would never try to reassure them- they can get their own therapist if they are having big problems with it.
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  #7  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:34 AM
Anonymous37925
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Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
From everything you've described about therapist #2, I would be put off balance by the jealousy comment too, just because it would shake up my perception of him. On the upside, it does show that he's more human and approachable than you reported early on.

It is a strange confession though. Does he have a dry sense of humor? If so, I would look at it in that light and be glad to see a different side of him. If he was being totally serious, I would want to talk it over with him to understand it better.
Thanks, the initial confession didn't bother me so much, because it was in the context of a feeling that had passed. If he is still experiencing jealousy that bothers me more. I like seeing the human side to him, but I'd rather have "I'm feeling x" than little ambiguous comments like this.
  #8  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:35 AM
Anonymous37925
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Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
I would ignore his inappropriate (jealous) statement and go on with what interested me. I really don't think it is the client's problem. I would never reassure them.
I know ideally I'd like to, but I can't shake off this uneasy feeling.
  #9  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:52 AM
Anonymous50122
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I wonder if there is a particular reason why he disclosed this? I think our Ts our generally more vulnerable than people consider. I've been thinking that being a T is a lot like being an actor - you face a lot of rejection.
  #10  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 11:56 AM
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I wonder if there is a particular reason why he disclosed this? I think our Ts our generally more vulnerable than people consider. I've been thinking that being a T is a lot like being an actor - you face a lot of rejection.
I asked him about his feelings, and I think he was just being authentic in his response. I actually felt respected and trusted that he chose to disclose it, and it made me feel confident that he is authentic in the relationship. That's the thing about what happened last session, it seemed inauthentic somehow. It didn't feel like a genuine face-value statement.
  #11  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 01:38 PM
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The crack about lying would bug me because of his making a comparison where there was none. Your first therapist said he wouldn't see you if you saw another one at the same time, but this one didn't put any sort of condition on it so there was no question of having to withhold information. Besides, you told him up front about the first one. The issue of lying or not lying to him isn't even relevant. So maybe he's trying to be funny...but it comes across as insincere? I find that a lot of problems or concerns I have with other people comes from having really different ways of communicating.

(thanks to lolagrace for getting me to post this in the right place)
  #12  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 02:09 PM
Anonymous37925
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Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
The crack about lying would bug me because of his making a comparison where there was none. Your first therapist said he wouldn't see you if you saw another one at the same time, but this one didn't put any sort of condition on it so there was no question of having to withhold information. Besides, you told him up front about the first one. The issue of lying or not lying to him isn't even relevant. So maybe he's trying to be funny...but it comes across as insincere? I find that a lot of problems or concerns I have with other people comes from having really different ways of communicating.

(thanks to lolagrace for getting me to post this in the right place)
Yes that's exactly why it bothered me, and that's what I said to him, that I didn't even know what his stance was so as far as I was concerned I wouldn't have to lie to him. That's why it sounded like insecurity, like he was fishing for me to reassure him that I would treat him how I would treat T1, even though, like you said, there's no comparison to make. If it was meant to be a joke I don't get it!
Thanks so much for validating the way I felt about this, I'm glad you don't think I'm overreacting.
  #13  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 02:23 PM
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ScarletPimpernel ScarletPimpernel is offline
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I know written is different than verbal, but from what I read it sounds like your T meant "But you would lie to me?" I don't necessarily think it's jealously. It might be him figuring out where he stands for you. I assume (so sorry if I'm wrong), that some of your therapy is around T1? So if he knows your thoughts and feelings are with him and T1, he can better gauge your progress. Maybe? Just trying to give you a different perspective.

Maybe what's important here is not how your T thinks or feels, but why it bothers you that he might be thinking/feelings a certain way. What does that mean to you? Would that affect your relationship with him? Could it be that you're comparing the two, not him? Again, just trying a different perspective.
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Thanks for this!
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  #14  
Old Jul 30, 2015, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
I know written is different than verbal, but from what I read it sounds like your T meant "But you would lie to me?" I don't necessarily think it's jealously. It might be him figuring out where he stands for you. I assume (so sorry if I'm wrong), that some of your therapy is around T1? So if he knows your thoughts and feelings are with him and T1, he can better gauge your progress. Maybe? Just trying to give you a different perspective.

Maybe what's important here is not how your T thinks or feels, but why it bothers you that he might be thinking/feelings a certain way. What does that mean to you? Would that affect your relationship with him? Could it be that you're comparing the two, not him? Again, just trying a different perspective.
Thank you, that's a really interesting thought and probably what I will end up discussing with him next week. I have lacked consistency and security in my life and his consistency (unwavering boundaries, unflappable attitude and the same appt time every week) has been essential for me in getting over T1.
Some of my therapy is spent on T1, but much less than before, and I am starting to tackle some really deep issues of my own. The thing about T1 only came up because I mentioned I'm thinking about getting some marriage counseling, then we started talking generally about getting therapy in more than one place, so it's not like this was a massive conversation about T1.
I think it is definitely the fact it doesn't seem as consistently solid as I would expect from him that bothered me. It's also the first time I think he's opened his mouth and said something without considering the therapeutic value of what he's saying. I have an idea of him in my head and that statement doesn't match my idea of him.
Thanks for asking that question.
Thanks for this!
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