How much is a therapist supposed to build you up?

I'm new to therapy and am trying to gauge what is appropriate language for a therapist to direct towards a client. Telling you you're handsome? Telling you any woman would be lucky to have you?

I was surprised how strong her wording can be. Do they talk like this to help build you up? I just started therapy so was not expecting it to be so intimate from their side.

Is this normal?

It would not be normal to me. I would tell the therapist to stop and if they didn't - I would find a new one.

I made this post late last night but it was approved a short while ago. Sorry to bump this.

Just trying to get a feel for what is normal. I was surprised at the things my therapist was saying to me after meeting so recently. Upon reading many of your posts here, it seems therapists appear to build you up and your trust in order to get inside your head, then dissect you. So, I felt uncomfortable by her intimate statements regarding my appearance, relationship status, etc. as if this is a technique she was trying to pull.

Thank you.

That sounds kind of odd to me. I wouldn't like it. In fact, I don't think I'd even ask her to stop it. I'd probably just find another therapist. That's just my reaction, though.

Did the therapist offer those comments in response to something you said about yourself? (Just curious - they're not typical or appropriate comments in any case in my opinion.)

That sounds a
An odd thing for anyone to say. Let alone a trained professional. Sounds almost delusional

MY therapist has complimented my clothes and that i was looking 'good' but only sparingly and in the right context. I had lost some weight and to the gym and staying active is important to me so essentially she was playing off my lead. It wan't random or overly flattering.

I feel like T might be aware of a client who might be dealing with self-esteem issues or depression and help them with some basic compliments. For me, I feel It's important to tell myself that sometimes I DO look good and am attractive people and it's okay to compliment someone else as well and it's also a part of the growing process to receive compliments and take them in without expecting an ulterior motive.

That being said, the compliments you listed above seem to border on flattery. I can't see the context in what you've written. Was the compliment completely out of the blue or was there something you said leading up to it?

I cannot imagine a therapist making that kind of comment. I suspect it would be grounds for reporting them, where I live. Therapists are supposed to be neutral and leave their personal opinions outside the room. (As a point of comparison, my therapist has commented on how attractiveness is a construct which is not only about looks, and that somebody who is unattractive in their own eyes might not necessarily be unattractive to somebody else - those are nonjudgmental and neutral comments based on actual facts, and that's what I'm looking for in a therapist.)

But then, I would run away pretty quickly from a therapist who commented on my looks or clothing in any way, much less if he was to give me compliments, and from what most other people on these boards say, that makes me unusual.

Thanks for the responses so far. Hopefully this post will be approved so you can read it before my response becomes obsolete.

I am being seen for depression but cannot think of discussing any problems related to low self esteem unless my therapist assumed self image issues are automatically associated with depression.

Your input is appreciated. Her comments felt strange to me but I don't know enough about "the norm" to know what it is and what it isn't and I come from a family that is pretty unemotional so wasn't sure if I was overreacting. I am a newlywed of almost one year and things are a little shaky as my wife and I adjust to each other, as my therapist knows. Maybe that is why she stated women would be lucky to have me or line up to marry me but I was still taken aback by the intimacy of her comments.

Thank you for the support.

I think it depends on your issues. As a kid I underwent a lot of abuse based on my perceived unattractive appearance. My first T in college was a lesbian as am i, and told me things like " I bet you can get any girl you want" " you have a wonderful body and beautiful spirit" etx. My current T is straight but has said my body is "very cute" that I have gorgeous legs etc.
But these are not weird off the cuff statements. A big part of my therapy is working on my body dysmorphia. If someone is dealing with similar issues I think those sort of comments have a place. My internal image of my body does not match reality and this causes a lot of suffering for me. My image of myself needs to be oriented towards reality.
However never did these comments make me feel "weird" or like something inappropriate was being said. I struggled with trying to internalize a different image but it never felt weird. Personally I think if some thing in you makes you need to ask if it is inappropriate, it probably is at least for you

Well, I deal with slightly similar issues - I am physically very unattractive and am very well aware of it - it's not dysmorphia though, because it is not a misconception on my part. For me it would be very inappropriate to have a therapist (whether the therapist was male, female, ungendered, old, middle-aged, young, or other) compliment my body or my appearance in any way. Just as inappropriate as it would have been if I'd been good-looking.

I agree with your last statement, though - if you think it's inappropriate, then it is inappropriate for you. Doesn't mean that it is inappropriate for everybody, but you should be allowed to react in a way that is right for you.

It's not appropriate at all. I would not go back if a therapist said things like that to me.

I would feel kind of weird about that. My T has mentioned she liked my hair, or liked a shirt I was wearing, or that anyone would be lucky to have a friend like me, but beyond that, I wouldn't like it. And that's only happened less than a handful of times in over a year. I don't like anyone telling me I'm pretty though, or anything like that. Someone at work (another female) calls me "beautiful." Like "hi, beautiful." I usually walk away and blush. I don't like it. Because I'm not. I usually think someone is just saying that to be nice. Although I know you could think someone is not nice looking at all when you first meet them, and then as you get to know them better you find them quite attractive. If my T were to say the things yours said to you, I think I'd ask her to stop. If it were said just once, I might let it slide. But if my T continued to say it, I wouldn't like it. She may be making a visual observation, but if she continues with it...I'd find that too odd.

For me it depends on context and wording. So it's not ok if a T randomly put that into a conversation but if the convo was "I am so ugly" " would it surprise you if people thought you were handsome" "what if others viewed you like any woman would be lucky to have you?"

It depends a great deal on context to me too.

My therapist has said I'm beautiful and given other compliments. I've taken them sincerely and never felt they were flirtatious, so much depends on the dynamic, the conversation, the type of therapy, etc.

If my own T told me I was a "catch" or "anyone would be lucky to be with you," I would take it as a kind affirmation and a sign of her esteem, that she has a good opinion of me and wants me to have one of myself too. I consider that sometimes language is literal, and sometimes it is not.

Conversely, I can see the points of those who see it as more unprofessional and hyperbolic too- because therapy and therapeutic alliances and circumstances can vary so much. Each client/therapist partnership is a little different, so the even the same words may sometimes be harmless, helpful, or completely inappropriate all based on the situation.

My mom was crazy. So my T's have tried to get me to see that I'm seeing a distorted image based on what my mom said and did. It helped me in college and it helps now. I don't know if it's the building up or forcing me to acknowledge that my view Is distorted that helps....

If she said it like you wrote in your post, then I don't think it's appropriate.

My T doesn't give me much compliments. Especially not on my appearance. The only things that came close was that she said she doesn't think I'm fat. That was after I talked about that I think I'm too fat.
She sometimes comments on how I look, but it's like ''I think this is the first time I see you in a shirt without sleeves'' or ''your hair looks different'. But she doesn't say if it looks good on me.
I wish she would tell me what she really thinks of me. I don't want her to be so T with what she says all the time.

It sounds weird but... I think it's appropriate if a client says they are ugly, then stating oh no you are handsome is ok. Or if s client says nobody will ever date me, it's ok to say oh many women would be glad to date you. I think it depends what the context is. I have high self esteem but I could see if I thought low of myself such words might help

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To the OP: Uh...no. Just no. For one thing, what she thinks of your appearance and attractiveness means far less than what you think (or don't think) of yourself. It's sort of like going to therapy because you feel unloveable and the therapist says she loves you as a way to show that you're selling yourself short. The problem is in your perception and self-esteem, not her view of you. What happens if she forgets to say it when you are feeling less-than or, worse, decides not to say it?

It can be a real minefield, depending on the individual. I have made it clear to my therapist that I don't want to talk about appearance (it came up as a result of a pdoc who was always scanning me). She asked me early on if I wanted to work on that, but it's on hold. Just not ready for anything close to it. Someone with a similar history might benefit from a different approach because they're in a place to do that. So. No one size fits all. But generally, what the OP's therapist said feels creepy to me.

I cannot imagine how that would work. If you already know that you are an okay person or a handsome person you might believe it when others say it. But if you don't have high self esteem, such words are at best comforting lies, told by people who (according to your internal voice) think you are too stupid to recognise that they are lying, or at worst they are pure mockery.

Having low self-esteem is not the same as secretly thinking that you're a good person but pretending that you're not. It's knowing that you are worthless, uninteresting, unlovable. Other people can tell you otherwise until the cows come home (and then they can tell the cows) but you don't believe them and the words do not comfort you, much less convince you.

This is perhaps not true for everybody with low self-esteem (heck, maybe it only applies to me - I usually don't know what other people think or feel) but all the same, no, it is not appropriate for a T to spout compliments indiscriminately, to a client who feels uncomfortable about such compliments - as the OP did. Much better for the T to use facts, such as the fact that attraction is not based on looks alone.

Get out of my head!!

No, you're not the only person this applies to. You've just described in great detail how skeevy it feels for me to receive a "false" compliment from someone. All I can say is skeevy, you've got paragraphs!

This. This is what my T also told me. She can say things like that I'm not ugly or that I'm not stupid or whatever, but I wouldn't believe it. If people say something positive about me, I would always doubt what they say, think they don't really mean it. Or I would not agree with it.

I agree with my T. But I would like a compliment from her every now and then. I care too much about what she thinks of me, which she almost never really tells me.

The burden of low self-esteem. I yearn for people to "like" me, but I'm so disgusting that nobody could possibly be interested in liking me, therefore anyone who takes an interest in me is either out to exploit me, belittle me, or crush me.

No explanation for any of this, no justification could make it go away, and the only cure is developing better self esteem. That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one! "Despite my gross-ness, I really love myself as a person and I have value." Most of my "value" has been as the butt of a joke, or a victim for an abuser. Yep, I'm a treasure!

My t is great at building my self esteem.

I don't consider it a lie. Looks are subjective. Sure maybe saying oh you are handsome is uncalled for. But saying that there are women who would date you is ok in my opinion. Everybody is worthy of love. If op is uncomfortable then he can say so to a t.


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My ego would get a kick out of this (especially since I'd like to get my own T into bed), but in therapy I'd be suspicious of statements like this as being insincere flattery. I don't like being patronized or patted on the head, and that's what this would sound like to me. I'd make that clear to her. (I'd also tell her "okay, you're on," but that's just me.)

I don't think that her telling you this is such a big deal though, I wouldn't consider it an ethical issue. I imagine that a lot of T's say things like this to their clients as confidence-builders, and it's probably helpful in many cases. I'm just saying I wouldn't like it, it doesn't sound like you're too comfortable with it either, so you should tell her that.