[ScarletPimpernel]

And it's scaring me. I don't want to become attached to another person and be rejected and abandoned again. And she technically could hurt me the exact same way ex-T did.

But I also want to feel connected. I want to feel safe and comforted. I want to be more open with her.

It's bothering me though! I actually want to see her. Like I'm looking forward to it and counting down till I get to see her. I even want a hug! This is so scary!

I've been with her for 3.5 months. Is this too soon? Is this me just trying to replace ex-T? Are these feelings real? Do I give into them? Do I dare ask for a hug? Or do I fight against these feelings?

I'm scared of being hurt again. I don't know if I could survive another abandonment. But she seems trustworthy, but then again so did ex-T.

What do I do?

[PixieRN]

Don't be afraid to feel a connection, but I think she would have to set a hard boundary with you about hugs or physical contact in general. I was with my therapist for 8 years and we had a great therapeutic relationship and we absolutely never touched, let alone hugged.

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[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by PixieRN

Don't be afraid to feel a connection, but I think she would have to set a hard boundary with you about hugs or physical contact in general. I was with my therapist for 8 years and we had a great therapeutic relationship and we absolutely never touched, let alone hugged.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

Hugs are okay. We already discussed it. But other forms of touch are a boundary of her.

[PixieRN]

Good then. Touch of any kind would bother me significantly. But it seems like you can't have effective therapy without a connection, so I would just roll with it and let the future take care of itself.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N910A using Tapatalk

starting to feel a connection can be very confusing. The protective part of you may want to reject the feelings, I know that's how I am in many situations with people. Especially when you have already been hurt by a therapist. Rejection is always on many of our minds, and it's hard to really believe that a therapist can be safe even under the best experiences. I am borderline and have a difficult time allowing connections with people.

[junkDNA]

it is very confusing. i think its wise for you to want to guard yourself in the beginning. i take it as you feel safe with this T, safe enough to feel connected. thats a huge step when one has been abandoned and betrayed. it took me a very long time to do this again, but theres not a specific timeline. its pretty individual. i would suggest talking to your T about this, your feeling of a connection and how much that scares you

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Hugs are okay. We already discussed it. But other forms of touch are a boundary of her.

It's been 6 months for me and I feel a connection too. I don't want hugs but I would definitely already be hurt and it would add to my damage if she abandoned me as fragile as I am.

I feel way better since we talked yesterday but before that I was almost losing it with panic over my pdoc's question about how much longer I was going to be in therapy.

This would be a good thing to really talk to this new therapist about -- how to connect with people without going to such an extreme that it becomes all-consuming. There is a middle ground where you can find a healthy, reasoned attachment proportional to the type of relationship you have with a professional. How to find that kind of attachment without going from 0-80 in 3 seconds. Hopefully, since she knows your history, she'll have good boundaries about things that will help with that process. Good luck to you.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

This would be a good thing to really talk to this new therapist about -- how to connect with people without going to such an extreme that it becomes all-consuming. There is a middle ground where you can find a healthy, reasoned attachment proportional to the type of relationship you have with a professional. How to find that kind of attachment without going from 0-80 in 3 seconds. Hopefully, since she knows your history, she'll have good boundaries about things that will help with that process. Good luck to you.

That's exactly my concern. Am I going too fast?

I was thinking about it last night and I think I need to ask if it's too soon for a hug before I even ask for the hug. It would really suck if I ask at the end of session for a hug and then she says no. I won't have any time to process it.

The reason this hug thing has come up is because last week it looked like she opened her arms for a hug at the end of session (it was a hard session). I didn't want to assume, so I took it as an over-exaggerated way to open the door? The county Pdoc did the same gesture to me, so I hugged her. Come to find out she's not a hugging type person. It was awkward and uncomfortable, like patting me on the back because she had no clue what to do. So I don't want to assume with new T.

I don't think she will need to change or set new boundaries. We got the email and calling boundary down, and we have never touched (the only way she will touch is via hug). I don't know what boundaries there would be.

I can't help my feelings though. Can I? I could just keep quiet and not ask for a hug. But that doesn't change this need I feel to see her. She knows it's there. I emailed her Mon night that I wished it was Wed. She simply replied that I only have to wait one more day and I'm doing a great job. Yet that email reaffirmed that I want to see her, that I want comfort from her.

And I don't like this. I'm too scared to be hurt again, but it's like my heart won't listen to my brain.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

It's been 6 months for me and I feel a connection too. I don't want hugs but I would definitely already be hurt and it would add to my damage if she abandoned me as fragile as I am.

I feel way better since we talked yesterday but before that I was almost losing it with panic over my pdoc's question about how much longer I was going to be in therapy.

Did you talk to your T about what your Pdoc said?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

it is very confusing. i think its wise for you to want to guard yourself in the beginning. i take it as you feel safe with this T, safe enough to feel connected. thats a huge step when one has been abandoned and betrayed. it took me a very long time to do this again, but theres not a specific timeline. its pretty individual. i would suggest talking to your T about this, your feeling of a connection and how much that scares you

I will talk to T about this either today or next week. We already have an agenda for this week, so I don't know if we can fit it in.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Aloan

starting to feel a connection can be very confusing. The protective part of you may want to reject the feelings, I know that's how I am in many situations with people. Especially when you have already been hurt by a therapist. Rejection is always on many of our minds, and it's hard to really believe that a therapist can be safe even under the best experiences. I am borderline and have a difficult time allowing connections with people.

I have BPD too. Normally, I have a difficult time with developing connections with people. But with Ts and counselors, I tend to get really attached really quickly.

Things are going a lot slower this time around compared to ex-T, but I still worry it might be too fast.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That's exactly my concern. Am I going too fast?

I was thinking about it last night and I think I need to ask if it's too soon for a hug before I even ask for the hug. It would really suck if I ask at the end of session for a hug and then she says no. I won't have any time to process it.

The reason this hug thing has come up is because last week it looked like she opened her arms for a hug at the end of session (it was a hard session). I didn't want to assume, so I took it as an over-exaggerated way to open the door? The county Pdoc did the same gesture to me, so I hugged her. Come to find out she's not a hugging type person. It was awkward and uncomfortable, like patting me on the back because she had no clue what to do. So I don't want to assume with new T.

I don't think she will need to change or set new boundaries. We got the email and calling boundary down, and we have never touched (the only way she will touch is via hug). I don't know what boundaries there would be.

I can't help my feelings though. Can I? I could just keep quiet and not ask for a hug. But that doesn't change this need I feel to see her. She knows it's there. I emailed her Mon night that I wished it was Wed. She simply replied that I only have to wait one more day and I'm doing a great job. Yet that email reaffirmed that I want to see her, that I want comfort from her.

And I don't like this. I'm too scared to be hurt again, but it's like my heart won't listen to my brain.

For most people, a hug is just a hug -- a natural, casual gesture without huge meaning attached to it. We feel comfortable giving and receiving hugs and don't overthink them. I have no idea how to normalize your feelings about hugs so that they are just pleasant, normal responses as opposed to something that somehow fulfills something within you. I mean, I suppose hugs fulfill something in me too, but it isn't something I give any thought to. So, all of my T's have hugged me. One hugged me after each session, but it wasn't something I gave much thought to; it was just very natural. That might be a point of curiosity and discussion for you. How to accept normal affectionate gestures from your therapist without overanalyzing it, giving it ultra-meaning, etc. Normalizing normal human connectedness . . . as opposed to thinking normal human connectedness is somehow pathological. Just thinking as I go here. Feel free to ignore what I'm saying. I could be way off.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Did you talk to your T about what your Pdoc said?

No but she pretty much answered the question anyway when we were talking yesterday (in my "other" thread).

Scarlett, my husband has BPD, and he doesn't have this issue with his therapists. In his case, those play out in his relationship with me. So, he used to kind of do what you describe. He fell head over heals in love with me practically before we met. It was overwhelming on the receiving end and in retrospect I probably should have been more wary about it, but I guess after 29 years together it has worked out.

He also used to overanalyze and often misinterpret every little thing I did: how I held his hand, how I hugged him, how I kissed him. He placed great meaning on every simple, natural gesture, often misinterpreting what was going on because he placed SO much meaning on things that I just honestly didn't give any thought to -- I just did them naturally without thinking much about them. It was a bit crazy making at times.

Finally, through therapy for both of us -- for me to figure out how to set some boundaries on that kind of hypervigilance about overanalyzing -- for him to learn to accept simple gestures as simply simple gestures that are not loaded with preplanned meaning on my part -- we've reach a place that is working. He has learned to take a deep breath and recognize when he is overthinking things. I have learned to set some boundaries when he has those moments when he reverts to misinterpreting things. He's much calmer and relaxed about normal connectedness between us now which has allowed us to simply enjoy each other again.

Hopefully your new therapist will help you reach that place where you can accept normal human connectedness as not being a minefield of traps and conditions. (At least that's kind of what my husband's conception was because of his upbringing.) Again, good luck moving forward with this new therapist. It is a leap of faith and trust for you, but one that hopefully will find you in a better place down the road.

[Lord protector]

If this has been said, ignore or not. I think the best route is too simply tell your therapist your fears honestly. Talk, talk, talk.

I'm afraid of latching on too quickly. What if I'm rejected again? I'm scared. I'm not sure what to do or when to do it or do I even do it?

I don't want to have what happened with old therapist happen again.
Hugs, Pam

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Scarlett, my husband has BPD, and he doesn't have this issue with his therapists. In his case, those play out in his relationship with me. So, he used to kind of do what you describe. He fell head over heals in love with me practically before we met. It was overwhelming on the receiving end and in retrospect I probably should have been more wary about it, but I guess after 29 years together it has worked out.

He also used to overanalyze and often misinterpret every little thing I did: how I held his hand, how I hugged him, how I kissed him. He placed great meaning on every simple, natural gesture, often misinterpreting what was going on because he placed SO much meaning on things that I just honestly didn't give any thought to -- I just did them naturally without thinking much about them. It was a bit crazy making at times.

Finally, through therapy for both of us -- for me to figure out how to set some boundaries on that kind of hypervigilance about overanalyzing -- for him to learn to accept simple gestures as simply simple gestures that are not loaded with preplanned meaning on my part -- we've reach a place that is working. He has learned to take a deep breath and recognize when he is overthinking things. I have learned to set some boundaries when he has those moments when he reverts to misinterpreting things. He's much calmer and relaxed about normal connectedness between us now which has allowed us to simply enjoy each other again.

Hopefully your new therapist will help you reach that place where you can accept normal human connectedness as not being a minefield of traps and conditions. (At least that's kind of what my husband's conception was because of his upbringing.) Again, good luck moving forward with this new therapist. It is a leap of faith and trust for you, but one that hopefully will find you in a better place down the road.

That's the most clear way I've heard it described.

However, I do see higs as just hugs...kinda. I guess I read into them a little, but for the most part it's accurate. For me a hug is saying that everything is okay. It's to show a fondness and a connection. It doesn't necessarily mean love, but just an understanding and acceptance btwn two people.

Kissing I do categorize. There's the kissing on the check which is a hello or goodbye. My fiance has 3 kisses for me (on my body and mouth). There's a normal love kiss, a playful kiss, and a sexual kiss.

Touching has different meaning too, but not for people in general. In general, touch is the same as hugs. But I do have an issue when a stranger or acquaintance touches me. To me, that's a violation of my boundaries.

I thought that all of this is normal: normal categorization and boundaries. Like I allow family to hug me because I assume that is what normal people do. And I know they don't mean harm.

Idk. I'm confused. But a hug with my T will mean the same thing everytime: that everything is okay. That's what it meant for ex-T too. Will it foster feelings of attachment, closeness, and connectedness? Yes. Is that abnormal? That's why I don’t know if I should wait.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Lord protector

If this has been said, ignore or not. I think the best route is too simply tell your therapist your fears honestly. Talk, talk, talk.

I'm afraid of latching on too quickly. What if I'm rejected again? I'm scared. I'm not sure what to do or when to do it or do I even do it?

I don't want to have what happened with old therapist happen again.
Hugs, Pam

I will May not be today, but I will talk to her before asking for the hug. She said that she'll help me navigate the relationship appropriately. It's just scary...and embarrassing to talk directly about.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well, it will have to be next week...didn't have time.

[Bipolarchic14]

I have difficulty attaching to people. This makes me a little envious of you. I see the pain in your posts about your previous therápist and I am reminded why I don't form that connection. I have times when I feel attached and I usually have it corrected within a month. Funny thing is my therapist is predictable. I called her once, two weeks ago when I was upset. So embarrassed for doing so, I did not want to attend my session. I spoke to her for about five minutes. I knew with my next session she would be five minutes late or end five minutes early. Anyway things like this happen to remind me why I don't attach. 'Could there be a happy middle, attachment without unconditional trust.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I have difficulty attaching to people. This makes me a little envious of you. I see the pain in your posts about your previous therápist and I am reminded why I don't form that connection. I have times when I feel attached and I usually have it corrected within a month. Funny thing is my therapist is predictable. I called her once, two weeks ago when I was upset. So embarrassed for doing so, I did not want to attend my session. I spoke to her for about five minutes. I knew with my next session she would be five minutes late or end five minutes early. Anyway things like this happen to remind me why I don't attach. 'Could there be a happy middle, attachment without unconditional trust.

That's the goal. Though I have no clue what that looks like, feels like, or how to do it. Maybe I'm in the middle right now? I'm not completely attached yet. I will be devastated if I lose her, but it's more because of ex-T than me missing her. I would miss her I guess? I don't know how to explain it, but I know I'm not attached yet.

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I have difficulty attaching to people. This makes me a little envious of you. I see the pain in your posts about your previous therápist and I am reminded why I don't form that connection. I have times when I feel attached and I usually have it corrected within a month. Funny thing is my therapist is predictable. I called her once, two weeks ago when I was upset. So embarrassed for doing so, I did not want to attend my session. I spoke to her for about five minutes. I knew with my next session she would be five minutes late or end five minutes early. Anyway things like this happen to remind me why I don't attach. 'Could there be a happy middle, attachment without unconditional trust.

That would really annoy me if she took back the five minutes in that way without discussing it with me. I would only be happy with it if she explained that that was her policy.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Hugs are important for me too. I'm not planning on asking new T for one. But they are very important to me. Ex-T always hugged me, and she often initiated it. She knew I usually needed 2 hugs at the end. Anyway, didn't stop me from being hurt.

I still always get hugs from my minister, both in church on Sundays and when we talk. She knows when we talk in her office I always like 2 hugs too. She said she likes hugs too, and they make her feel loved. So it's not just us.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

That would really annoy me if she took back the five minutes in that way without discussing it with me. I would only be happy with it if she explained that that was her policy.

I made her out to be worse than she is. She actually keeps me after 5 to 10 minutes beyond my session more frequently. She use to be right on time in getting out but lately she has become lax. It's more that she wants to control when I get that extra 5 to 10. That's annoying but again it is just one of those reminders that this is just a professional paid to help me. I think this holds true for the majority of therapists, she may "care about me" but it's superficial. I accept it for what it is. So I try not to get too attached.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

That's the goal. Though I have no clue what that looks like, feels like, or how to do it. Maybe I'm in the middle right now? I'm not completely attached yet. I will be devastated if I lose her, but it's more because of ex-T than me missing her. I would miss her I guess? I don't know how to explain it, but I know I'm not attached yet.

That might be a good topic to speak with current about. If current t says she will never abandon you, run!