little me
kt
loves my t
sometimes she thinks shes a cat
a baby cat
she'll rub up against his neck
and goto sleep
purring in his lap

but she won't.

'cause j keeps her hidden safely away
behind stone and iron and steel
a safe place
a cell

so she won't get hurt.

but j's a bit of a demon
so w. had to come to quiet her
he had to come to push all of that
deep
deep
hidden away
don't want to be close to anyone

so nobody else gets hurt.

layers upon layers.

he's boring, no fun.
so along comes fun.
mischief...
seduction...
drugs to numb...
playfulness...

layers upon layers.

the stories in my head.

hanging my head with shame
don't do anything
don't move
where the visual field ends
the inner world extends

so hurt
so hurt
so hurt

valium is a wonderful drug
releases some of those chemicals
usually released with social interaction
the benefits of positive social experiences
lying snuggled up in bed
with valium inside me

falling apart.
cracks here cracks there
see my t tomorrow
just want to feel safe
just want to feel safe
but if he makes me feel safe
it hurts
:-(
break out the valium.

sweet pain
theres something soothing about pain
sweet pain
soothing pain
constant pain
pain in the absence of shock

[MissCharlotte]

((Alexandra))

((kt))

sweet dreams till you see T tomorrow.

Peace

[SecretGarden]

What if kt escaped?

shed get stomped on probly. but she can't escape anyways. too much stone and stuff.

i found out t had a baby girl.

found out he led the prayers at his church.

hes religious.

dammit.

[pegasus]

Thinking of you.

I belonged to a church for many years.

Can't say I was religious. I was there for community. pseudo-family, acceptance, guidance. They called it covenance. It felt safe there... as long as I wasn't 'out' too much. In the winter I would walk through the cold and snow and when I got inside, immediately it was warm and cozy... full of warm people, soft lighting, rich music, kids being loved by family and the church community. It was where some of my feelings of wanting to belong, be loved, be accepted were allowed to arise within me.

The minister was very T-like. Enthusiastic, calm, reassuring, delivered his sermons in a normal speaking voice, thanks to his wife. He told in sermon about when he practiced his first sermon in front of her. He noticed she was trying to not laugh a little. Finally he said, ok--what? Well, she asked, where did that voice come from?! Cute. So he always talked as if he was just talking to a group of friends. It was nice. Personal. Intimate. Serious, but with his sense of humor too; his eyes lit up and crinkled with crows feet when he was tickled and his smile was warm and genuine.

Many people there were 2nd and 3rd generation members. Whole pews were filled with family from grandparents to baby grandchildren. It was wonderful to see and excrutiating to see.

I can understand how he could be a part of that.

Not everyone in a church supports all the dogma. Some are there a variety of reasons.

You would like to be his baby girl. Of course you would. And, in your own space with him, you are.

hey echoes.

i know... i used to go to church too. and i felt warmth and companionship there. my homegroup leader got a little too attached to me shortly after his wife had a baby. nothing happened physically (well, he kissed me and i cried 'cause i was so confused) but it really messed me up emotionally. that was around when j. started screaming. they asked me to leave the church. it turned all horrible.

so its hard him having a baby. not just 'cause of kt... but 'cause of that too. stupid google. i shouldn't have looked again. but i kind of wanted to try and find out how old he was. found a church newsletter instead. i'll be okay. i just wish i hadn't found it, i guess.

(( ak ))

I understand. Want to know/don't want to know.

I guess it's a good example of why they hesitate to self-disclose.

"Gill and Kohut strongly imply that the therapist who answers personal questions robs the client of an opportunity to explore the feelings and fantasies that gave rise to the question" (Between Therapist and Client, Michael Kahn)

or, "A question aswered is a fantasy lost" (Freud I think)

Now, I am not an asker, but I do take clues and cues and wonder. Knowing that she has a grown, independent daughter from the picture on her desk to her mentioning her daughter finding an apartment in NYC via Craig'sList, it influences me--middle aged, lost, alone, unsure, insecure, floundering....

Her room has shelves of toys. A portion of her clients are kids.

Both the picture of the daughter and the shelves full of toys are too much reality. Reminders that it is just oo late for some things.

Weird, I know.

[SecretGarden]

I was thinking about in therapy...what if kt found your T's lap.... like a kitten?

I am glad that j was there to protect you in church and am sorry that the church did not listen to what was REALLY going on.

I understand actually that you are wanting to do your therapy different to keep your people protected and I respect that... I suppose that was just a fantasy.

Googled my pdoc.... he caught a big fish... 2006. Whoop.

[MissCharlotte]

LOL Secret.

A big fish, HUH? Fodder for therapy? hmmmm I feel another thread coming.

peace love & woodstock.

[Gemstone]

(((( Alex ))))

I'm sorry you are hurting. All of this is very hard.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( alex )))))))))))))))