[Cinnamon_Stick]

Do you think saying "I love you" to your T is crossing the people in your personal life line?

Both my T and I have said "I love you" to each other and I am glad I said it because its how I feel, yet on one hand I feel like I crossed a line. Its a very intimate thing to say to anyone and I don't know if it should be said to a professional that you are paying to help you. Idk. I noticed I developed my intense attachment to my T after I said it. It also fueled my transference to develop deeper. (This was in May that I told her "I love you")

[Leah123]

I've told my therapist I love her, and I do. I've felt love for many people in my life, it is not a word that I reserve only for blood relatives or for a spouse.

She is a paid professional and I love her simultaneously. The therapeutic relationship is not identical to any others, but I'd say it's got something in common with teacher/student and I've certainly had teachers I loved too, even though they were paid to teach me.

I think it's a line we must each draw for ourselves, not an arbitrary one.

[BayBrony]

I've told my T I love her because I do. I don't keep a dividing line in my life. I have friends I love, clients I love, teachers I've loved, all kinds of people. My T is someone I love.
My T said to me recently " this is not a friendship. It is something deeper and more intense. And my feelings for you are deep and intense"
I agree. I feel differently about my T than I do about anyone else in life and I don't see anything wrong with that.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I think therapists, for better or worse, can very much be people in our personal lives and pretending otherwise is just denying the reality. I can understand how someone would come to love a therapist, and vice versa. I think speaking your truth is a good thing.

[junkDNA]

i told my T i loved him. i was scared about it, but he responded in a good way. he told me it wasnt wrong. i dont think it crosses a line if a patient says it. i feel on the fence about therapists saying it

[LonesomeTonight]

I don't think it's any sort of betrayal of people in your personal life, if that's what you mean. Yes, I pay my T and marriage counselor, but they also know intimate thoughts and details of my life that, in some cases, no one else does (or very few people do). I mean, at this point, I've known each of them considerably longer than, say, exes I've said "I love you" to. And I feel like there are different kinds of love. For me, it's like, I feel close to them and care about their wellbeing. Well, it's more than that, because I care about a lot of people. I feel like it's sort of indescribable, but I know the feeling when I have it. My MC used a good analogy for the ability to love multiple people. If you love someone, it's like lighting a candle with your own candle. You can keep lighting other candles with it, and they can all stay lit. It's not like you have to blow one out to light another.

I told both my therapist and marriage counselor that I loved them a few months ago. With T, I was discussing the MC stuff and how I felt like I loved him and that I needed to share that. And in the midst of that, I was like, "I feel love for you too," to which she said something like "That's sweet" (not exactly what you want to hear!), but she'd said at one point during that or another conversation that T's aren't supposed to tell clients they love them.

For MC, it was during a phone call where I was worried about some of the transference stuff (paternal and a bit of erotic), like if he knew what I was really feeling, he'd reject me (hello, childhood abandonment issues!) He kept reassuring me that he wasn't going anywhere. At the end of that conversation, I was like, "So, if I love you, is that OK?" And he said it was OK, but that I had awful taste.

Neither have specifically said that they love me, but MC today was talking about how certain things he did while I was going through a difficult time lately showed that he (and T) cared about me. Even though I could tell they both care, it's nice to hear them say it. I feel like they love me, too, at least in some way, though I know they would never say it. Sometimes you can just tell things from people's eyes or how they talk to you. Like, my T, before about 8 months or so ago, I don't recall ever seeing her cry in response to something I was saying. But within the past 8 months, I've seen her tear up like maybe 8-10 times. I've been seeing her 4 years, but I feel like maybe around that point 8 months ago, for whatever reason, it crossed into love for her. And MC, there's just something about the way he looks at me and talks to me that suggests it--and I mean in a platonic sense, not romantic or sexual in any way. Really, probably more paternal than anything (even though he's only 12 years older).

[Cinnamon_Stick]

If you love someone, it's like lighting a candle with your own candle. You can keep lighting other candles with it, and they can all stay lit. It's not like you have to blow one out to light another.


I absolutely love this! Thank you so much for sharing it.

[justdesserts]

My therapist tells me he loves me every time we meet. I will often tell him I love him in return. We've talked a bit about what that means. He often says that one of the best things he can give me is a safe place to be loved, something I've never experienced before.

It would be crossing the line for me to say it to him (and also untrue). It would be incredibly inappropriate for him to say it to me (and ridiculously untrue).

But that's just me and my T, because of my specific cultural and language context, and the way I am as a person. It doesn't have to apply to any other client or therapist.

[ejayy78]

My T has told me she loves me. The first time it really freaked me out, but she explained that her love for me is unlike how a friend or family member loves. It's more based on deep care and concern, and she usually says it when I'm not loving myself, whether by what I say or by my actions. I appreciate it because one of my goals in therapy is to learn to love myself despite how **** my past was and how I feel about myself presently. I haven't told her that I love her, but I do because I'm so grateful for her time and patience.

I would have liked to have felt able to say that to T1, because it was (is) true, but I can't say what the potential problems with that might have been.
I wouldn't say it to T2 because I don't.
I actually think it is inappropriate for a therapist to say that to a client. If circumstances change it can increase the potential for a client to suffer abandonment. We see it too many times on these boards and it can cause devastating harm.

[stopdog]

For me it would not be something I would ever say to a therapist, but I don't think it is wrong to do so if one wants to do it.

My t and i tell each other i love you all the time.

[divine1966]

I don't feel love for t. So I wouldn't say it. I do like her.

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[LonesomeTonight]

Interestingly, this came up with my T today. Reposting what I put in the "Dear T..." forum:

"Dear T, I kind of wish you'd responded better to my comment about feeling unconditional love from you and MC. I know you probably are nervous about my using the word "love" because you've said before that T's shouldn't tell their clients they love them. But if it's that I'm "feeling" loved, that's not that same as you saying you love me. And why would it be so awful if you loved me and I knew it? We've known each other 4 years--it's not like I just met you. Yes, there's a bit of maternal transference, but nothing too intense (at least not like with MC). Why couldn't you have just gone with what I said? It just felt like an awkward opening to the session...And I feel weird about it now, like you're trying to hold me at a distance. Yes, I know, boundaries, blah blah blah, but can't you just be the person rather than the T right now? And hope you're not horrified at how open MC was about caring about me (regarding both you and him). Yes, he didn't use the word "love" but I felt it coming through in his voice and his eyes. I don't see why that's such a bad thing..."

I ended up sending her a kinda long e-mail about it. She responded, saying she was talking about the concept of "unconditional love" and was sorry if I misinterpreted her reaction in a negative way. She did say she was "glad I felt cared about and loved and that this is healing for [me]." And that she didn't want to undermine that and was sorry if I "felt hurt or deflated." And that we could talk more next week.

It's nice that she apologized about the understanding. However, it also would have been nice if she'd said something like, "Of course I care about you" or something to that effect. I don't expect her to use the "L" word with me (even though I think she does feel that, at least on some level). It's just weird how my marriage counselor is clearly OK with saying that he cares (as he said yesterday--I'm going through a rough period emotionally right now) and telling me things like he won't reject me, isn't going anywhere, etc. And he knows I have fairly strong (mostly paternal) transference for him, but seems fine in dealing with that and supporting me through stuff (even though he's my marriage counselor, not individual counselor). I guess it's just a difference in therapy styles? Or a comfort/discomfort with transference? My T has also said she hugs some clients but wouldn't hug me because of my transference because she doesn't want to strengthen it. (Not that MC hugs, but he does shake hands--T doesn't touch at all.) There have been times I've wanted to ask her for a hug but didn't want to deal with the rejection...

[ScarletPimpernel]

I told ex-T I loved her in an email. She never said or wrote I love you back. But she did say things like "I want you to feel safe and loved when you're with me" and "My concern comes from a place of love".

I don't love current T. At this rate, I don’t think I ever will. She's lucky when I actually like her.

[luvnola]

No, I don't think it's taking anything from anyone else when you say 'i love you' to someone/anyone. Personally, I'd never say that to a t and I'd never expect a t to say it to me. I reserve love for those who share my life with me and I with them, and although my t knows more about me than anyone else, we really don't share a life and I know nothing about her except what she chooses to present as a t. I can't possibly love someone who I only know one part of...the professional therapist part. This is probably bc I became friends with my first t after I moved and was no longer seeing her, and I realized that all I had imagined about my t or how she was in her own life wasn't necessarily accurate. Guess it all depends too on how you define love. But if your comfortable with it and t is, then I don't see anything wrong with.

[AllHeart]

I don't think it's crossing the line at all. The therapeutic relationship is highly intimate, very personal. It's easy for client's and T's to form love for one another. I sure love my T, and she loves me, too. I have only had the courage to tell her so via email, but I hope one day to find the courage to say the words out loud to her.

[musinglizzy]

I used to say it to T, and my T used to say it too. Now, she won't. She says that word is reserved for family and close friends, and that to use it with me would not be genuine or useful. That was hurtful. Then, two weeks after she said that, she gave me a hug after a session and out of the blue told me she loved me. Broke her own boundary. I said "I love you too," and she said "I know." I've not heard it since. I've quit saying it too. I nearly canceled my session tomorrow because I have a meeting for work, but decided to skip the meeting and go to therapy instead. She wrote me an Email when I told her I may cancel tomorrow and would let her know by the end of the work day, and she said something like "I would love to see you, but understand some things are higher priority." Well, I decided to skip the work meeting to go to therapy. But I hated her using LOVE. I hated her saying "I would love to see you." It's not about her and her needs, it's about me, so the fact that she wanted to see me isn't relevant. And the fact that she said "I would love to see you" bothered me. Like that word has become off limits (her choice,) so I'd rather she not use it, in any context, when it comes to me. That sounds pretty bitter, I know. We have done some amazing work lately. But all of these boundary changes I've seen since March are still very hurtful. I don't want her using LOVE at all when it pertains to me. I don't care if she'd love to see me. I didn't decide to go for that reason. I decided to go because I canceled my session last Monday, and I didn't want to not have a session this week, with all that's going on.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I used to say it to T, and my T used to say it too. Now, she won't. She says that word is reserved for family and close friends, and that to use it with me would not be genuine or useful. That was hurtful. Then, two weeks after she said that, she gave me a hug after a session and out of the blue told me she loved me. Broke her own boundary. I said "I love you too," and she said "I know." I've not heard it since. I've quit saying it too. I nearly canceled my session tomorrow because I have a meeting for work, but decided to skip the meeting and go to therapy instead. She wrote me an Email when I told her I may cancel tomorrow and would let her know by the end of the work day, and she said something like "I would love to see you, but understand some things are higher priority." Well, I decided to skip the work meeting to go to therapy. But I hated her using LOVE. I hated her saying "I would love to see you." It's not about her and her needs, it's about me, so the fact that she wanted to see me isn't relevant. And the fact that she said "I would love to see you" bothered me. Like that word has become off limits (her choice,) so I'd rather she not use it, in any context, when it comes to me. That sounds pretty bitter, I know. We have done some amazing work lately. But all of these boundary changes I've seen since March are still very hurtful. I don't want her using LOVE at all when it pertains to me. I don't care if she'd love to see me. I didn't decide to go for that reason. I decided to go because I canceled my session last Monday, and I didn't want to not have a session this week, with all that's going on.

You're T makes me so angry. I don't understand why people like her become a T when they are just really hurting and damaging someone. Blows my mind.

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[Bipolarchic14]

I think it is good to express how you feel. There are so many meanings to the word love. I think it depends how you say it.

[ruh roh]

I don't see it crossing a line, but I can see why a therapist might be cautious about not wanting it to end up causing more harm in some way. My therapist is pretty conservative in this regard, but that could be because I can't handle too much of that stuff. The most she has said is that she's always glad to see me, which is probably the equivalent of an I love you to my ears. I don't know if she's more gushy with others or if that's the extent of her emotional range with clients.

If it's the therapist feels that way though, and the person wants to hear it, I don't see why they shouldn't say it.

[Jessica Hazlitt]

I've nearly said it quite a few times, but the words always get stuck. For me it's to do with feeling like I'm giving him an opening to hurt me. But I do try to say it in other ways. Today's session ended with us holding hands. I wanted to say I love him, and thank him for being there. As I couldn't speak, I gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. Unusually it didn't feel awkward or embarrassing, it just seemed right. So I'm pretty sure he knows.

[lunatic soul]

Talking is not crossing the line but who cares about it.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I wish I could tell my T that I love her, but considering that a few weeks ago I told her about my romantic feelings for her, I don't think it would be appropriate. I would love for her to say that she loves me, but I don't think she ever will. I feel like a very unloveable person, and it would mean so much to me if she would say "I love you" to me.