[musinglizzy]

So during my last session, I asked my T if she thought it was inappropriate to let my son (13) sleep with me once in a GREAT while. He was sick last week, and not sleeping well...and was just a bit needy, and I let him sleep with me. Someone who lives with us doesn't think it's "right." Sometimes my son will ask to watch a movie with me in my room, and we'll just fall asleep for the night. (PJs on, the dog usually laying between us). So my T said if it didn't feel comfortable, and we were clothed, she didn't see an issue with it. My male housemate, once I told him that, said "ask her if she'd feel the same way if it was a dad sleeping with his teenage daughter."

I know this post is kind of different from what we usually see on PC... but I'm wondering your thoughts. I see no issue with it, it happens VERY rarely, and I actually like that my son still feels close to me in that way. So it's only happened twice this whole year. I agree with what my T said, but my male housemate doesn't seem to agree. I'm sure my son doesn't go to school saying he slept in the same bed with his mom....he's very standoffish with friends around, as many are that way. But when it's just he and I, if he's not feeling well, he's still a big baby...lol.

So your thoughts? Anyone on here allow their young teenage (opposite sex) children sleep with them after a bad dream or if they're sick? I never thought twice about it until my housemate said something. I have not seen my T to ask her that question...about male adults vs. female kids.

My son always had difficulty sleeping, but from a young age (age 10), I responded to his insomnia, bad dreams, restlessness, illness the same way. If he came into my room complaining about any of the above, I'd get up and go back to his room with him, tuck him in (not much tucking needed when he was in his teens ) and then sit with him. Sometimes I'd lie down on his bed and we'd read together or just talk. Some of our best conversations were in the car or with me sitting on the side of his bed. If we wanted to watch a movie, lying down, we'd stretch out on the big couch with blankets and a bowl of popcorn. When he got older (in his late teens and early twenties), once in a while, he'd get home late at night and I'd be asleep but he'd be worried or upset about something--usually something having to with a girl . He'd come into my room and sit on the side of my bed and we'd talk it through. He never slept in my bed after the age of about nine. I made a conscious decision to do this because my son had a lot of difficulty with personal space and neediness. He was adopted by me when he was seven and had many many disruptions/traumas in his early life. We worked really hard on issues related to trust, limit setting and self-confidence/self-reliance. I wanted him to be able to approach me with anything, but I wanted him to come to view me as a guide or supporter who was there to help him find the right way to handle tough issues.

I really think a parent's decision in this area is a very individual thing. I have friends whose kids sleep with them all the time, and I have friends whose kids have NEVER been in their bed and they state openly that it is not something they'd ever consider. I kind of think its what your therapist said--your level of comfort and how you feel about it.

[divine1966]

Totally unrelated question but what does his dad think? Are you two not longer together?

I personally don't think it is necessarily to sleep with teen kid of any gender. I
am very close to my daughter but the only time we slept together is in hotels trying to save on getting two beds lol other than that we never felt any need, not even when she was little, she always loved her own bed. And trust me we are emotionally close then and are now

I think you can be close to your kids and not share a bed

But I am not saying it's wrong. It's just not something I ever felt I need or she felt she needed

My daughter also always slept very well

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[atisketatasket]

I don't have children so I don't think I should express an opinion. I haven't slept with a parent since I was 8, and that was on vacation.

Does your male housemate have any rights in this situation, though? (Is he your son's father?). You don't have to tell us, but if he does have a right to be involved, it's not up to your therapist or us whether this is OK, but the two of you. If he has no rights - a roommate or more distant relative - then it's your decision.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks....yes, we live with his dad (my H), but we don't sleep in the same room. Dad doesn't have a problem with it. My son has been going through a tough time sleeping lately...but only the once, when he was sick, did I let him sleep with me. I regretted it too, because he coughing and sniffling kept me up all night!

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I don't have children so I don't think I should express an opinion. I haven't slept with a parent since I was 8, and that was on vacation.

Does your male housemate have any rights in this situation, though? (Is he your son's father?). You don't have to tell us, but if he does have a right to be involved, it's not up to your therapist or us whether this is OK, but the two of you. If he has no rights - a roommate or more distant relative - then it's your decision.

No, my "housemate" is my foster dad. My husband (son's dad) also lives here. It is the four of us.

[Lauliza]

All my kids (2 girls and a boy) have slept in my bed on and off when they were younger- if they were sick, had nightmares, etc. My youngest who is 10 still does occasionally. My 12 1/2 year old no longer does and I wouldn't encourage it. My son stopped at about 10. Ill admit that it did start to feel a bit awkward with my son where it didn't with my girls. That's not a judgement, just how I felt. However, I wouldn't encourage a teen of either gender to sleep in my bed, just because at a certain point I think kids need to be able to comfort themselves. Again, not a judgement but something to think about.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks. I've never encouraged it. And even now, I have a talk with him that he has his OWN bed to sleep in, and that at his age, he probably shouldn't be sleeping with me. He's never been one to sleep with me/us.....it's only been a handful of times his whole life.

The way I look at it, it is your call. He is your son and you have been clear in your posts that you are fully dressed and nothing inappropriate would ever take place so I can't see what business it is of anyone's, including this housemate. Years ago large families shared a room and/or a bed and there was no suggestion of impropriety there.
The way I look at it, you are the best judge of whether what is happening is appropriate. If you don't see a problem and his dad doesn't see a problem, then I don't see a problem.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks Myron. Everyone in the house wears clothes to bed...lol. I'm usually in shorts or lounge pants and a t-shirt....I would NEVER sleep "in the buff..." just not comfortable with that. My son wears lounge pants. We don't cuddle or anything like that....our dog is our "buffer."

[velcro003]

I see no problem with it, especially as you say, it has been extremely rare.

[divine1966]

If it is rare I don't see how it's an issue. Not sure how it's your dads business but if he is anything like my dad then I could see how everything is his business lol

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[joshuas-mommy]

I think that it is good for kids to sleep with their parents. It is nurturing them. Most kids will let you know if it feels weird.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I was terrified of the dark and being alone up until my teens. I also spent a lot of time in the house alone and scared. I would beg my mom to let me sleep in her room... It was comforting to feel she was there. I don't see anything wronh with it. Hugs.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks for all the input! I never had ANY thoughts whatsoever until my dad started bringing it up. Heck...sometimes we slept with HIM when we were younger/scared/sick!! Now he put doubt in my head.... and so I asked my T about it, who saw nothing wrong with it as long as, like I said, fully clothed, and didn't feel weird to either of us. Last week was only the second time this calendar year....so it's very rare. But I always felt like if I said no the very few times he asks, that's rejecting.

I could also come from a place where when I was much younger, my mom wouldn't LET me sleep with her, if I was sick, or had a bad dream, etc etc. She never allowed me to, and I remember how bad that felt. My son is quite normal for his age, but also very sensitive....he's not a momma's boy, but when he's feeling vulnerable or sick, then he can be needy. I want to keep the relationship we have....so I don't want to reject him. I would guess once he's in high school or something, then I may put a stop to it.... but I have a friend who has been known to sleep with her high school age sons, but they very much ARE momma's boys.

[Nammu]

Don't know, I think it depends of the family and the kid. I don't believe there is any "right" way to parent. That said here in America we tend to still be very Victorian in our attitudes.

[musinglizzy]

It's weird...when I was younger (teenager) and lived with a family, they had a 4 year old son who HATED baths. HATED them. Screamed bloody murder. So, I used to take a bath with him. It was the only way. Never thought twice about it, or their 11 year old who had mistakenly watched X-files, then was scared of aliens...he'd crawl into my bed at night when he was scared. Yet YEARS later when I had my own child, I never bathed with him....wasn't even a thought. And I never got him in the habit of sleeping with us. It's funny how things change through the years.... things that were such a non issue before, are the first thing thought of now....

I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

[junkDNA]

i dont have kids but i slept in my mom's bed a lot over the age of 10. but that was after my dad died and i was constantly worried

[Victoria'smom]

My son is 13 and he still sleeps with us at times.

[Favorite Jeans]

I really don't see the big deal. It sounds like a nice way to be close. Kids often regress a little when they're sick. I think you can tell foster dad to butt out. (Perhaps using more polite language.)

[nottrustin]

We have always allowed the kids to come join us in bed if they are sick or had a nightmare. I always figured sitting the day i was always right there for them as needed so the night shouldn't be any different. Also I have sleep issues. My kids figured out how to join us without waking me up. If I were to get up to help them get over the nightmare I would likely be up the rest of the night.

[dontevenknow]

I am a 21 yr old female. I occasionally slept with my parents when I was younger, not sure what age I stopped. If you have a normal, healthy relationship with your child/children I don't think it should be an issue. If it was an everyday thing, which you said it wasn't I think it would be a dependence/maturity issue more than an inappropriate issue. Honestly I wouldn't give a second thought to sleeping in the same bed as my mother or father. (except for that they snore horribly and it keeps me up).
I agree with your therapist, if neither of you is uncomfortable, there is no reason for it to be wrong.
I think that other relatives/non relatives is a separate issue. But, parents? You are supposed to be close to your kids. If they are ill, you should be there as a support. I think that jumping to the conclusion that it is inappropriate bc of the gender difference is a little oversensitive. Just my opinion though...

[justdesserts]

My son is 15 and before he started his emotional crisis about six months ago, he used to sleep with me when his dad went out of town. It wasn't a big deal. His younger sister likes to sleep in my bed and watch a movie. I'm sorry you're getting a hard time for something that should be so natural.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't see anything wrong with it. I mean, so long as there's no abuse, violating or inappropriate behavior, or it happening daily, then I would think it's just mother and child bonding. I asked my fiance how he would feel if I did that with a son, and he said it wouldn't bother him.

You know what's right and wrong: in general and for your child. Just follow your intuition.