T's Inconsistency

I didn't say anything about seeing a new T this week. Last time we talked about that was 3 weeks ago. I said that maybe I should cancel because I'm just a burden to her.

Ok so you said maybe you should cancel, she replied that you can but that she's happy to work wiith you and that's abandonment? No its not. Also she referenced you missing this week not "ok never come back"

But she said to think about if I want a new T. She didn't have to say that. And she said nothing about the problem that started all of this.

Part of me thinks she said she still wants to work with me only because she doesn't have a good enough reason to terminate me...yet.

You are reacting here and not reading it for what it is.

I totally get it. She says all the right phrases out of the textbook, but why did she choose those phrases. Why reference getting a new T? why reference not coming back. Why not make it more open like "I hope you would be comfortable making another appointment. If not, I understand, I made some mistakes. It's your decision. But I'd like another chance." Would that have felt better?

I've seen therapists ignore the elephant in the room and say all the right things so that if it was just Joe Average client it would be perfectly reasonable - but it ignores what is unique about this relationship.

I don't actually know what your T was thinking. whether it was unconscious distancing, or truly inviting. I could read it either way. But I totally understand your reaction and wishing for more.

What would you have liked her to say? Can you tell her that? or not?

Similar to your examples. If I was to take her email, I would reword it like: "I understand if you want to take a week off. I am here to work this out with you when you are ready." And then I would want her to say something supportive like: "I understand that you are hurting right now".

I think I will tell her what I wanted her to say. That would be a lot better than what I was planning to say

From a DBT standpoint the problem is that you're inferring motivations when you can't. We can't know what another person is thinking or feeling unless they tell us plainly. There are many ways to interpret something and an email is a medium where things are easily misinterpreted.

What it looks like to me is that you've latched onto a particular interpretation. This is where DBT once again comes in handy - what are the *facts*? Her motivations aren't facts because unless she states plainly to you what you're inferring, it's mere conjecture.

Take a step back and decide what you want. Do you want to go see her? Then go see her. But trying to parse out her email and search for hidden meanings and unspoken motivations is only going to drive you further down an emotional rabbit hole.

I can understand how you would read her email as I am always reading things that aren't there but I swear they are really there. I think if you take her sentences for what they are and what they say without tone or trying to read more into or figuring out the why it might help. At least I try to do that with things and I find it awfully difficult to do but once I try to just focus on the words and not possible intent of them or motives behind them I usually feel a little calmer. Sorry if any of that came out wrong.

I think you want her to say X thing and instead she said Y thing which may not be perfect but is attempting support BUT you are so fixed on only X thing being an example of support that it feels like Y things is totally useless.

I'm overly sensitive about abandonment and rejection because of ex-T which is probably a major reason why I don't feel secure with my T. I don't trust her. And looking at the situation, I can see I'm nitpicking everything she does. But that's why this is all such a big deal. It's why I'm desperate for consistency from her. I don't hate her. I want to trust her and feel safe with her. I can't do that though with all of this inconsistency.

I've had something similar happen. Sometimes Ts don't realize they are distancing themselves and working things out are is just more pain. Maybe most of the other peopel are right the there is no "there" there. And maybe not. Only you know all the dynamics. and only you know how you feel about it, and in the end you are the CLIENT. I think some of the suggestions to consider are worth considering, but I don't think anyone has the answer about what you can handle, and how to best interpret her behavior, except you.
I wonder if some time would help you sort thigns out. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to where I need to be.

And I think that's fair in terms of how you feel.

My husband made an observation when looking at DBT for a paper he was writing that DBT is a lot about working to realize that we have to work from within ourselves. You want consistency and that's okay but she might not be able to give it to you either through her own shortcomings or otherwise.

If you want to work with her, as you've expressed a desire to at least in the short term, then there's going to have to be a radical acceptance of recognizing that her inconsistency has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with her. Radical acceptance can be an extremely difficult skill to use because true, radical (deep within oneself) acceptance requires a step back from trying to alter things when we come to the wise mind realization that we can't change them. We may not like them. We may want it to be different. And it's not and we have to live in that tension, recognizing that our emotions are what they are and will be as they are until the right road reveals itself.

Radical acceptance is difficult. Some things come easier to me, like her boundaries. Or that ex-T is gone. But my T's inconsistency is difficult. If she was never supportive in the way I need her to be then I would move on. If she was always supportive, I wouldn't have an issue. But being inconsistent leaves me in a state of limbo. And being inconsistent with scheduling just confuses me. Probably because I am very consistent with my schedule.

It's hard for me to accept that this is just the way she is: half ideal and half not. She's grey and I want her to be more black and white. I can accept black or white, all or nothing. I don't know what to do with the grey area. How do you weigh what's worth it? This is where I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a push and pull.

Yeah. DBT is a lot of learning to live with shades of gray. I think whether or not something is worth it is something only you can answer.

The other thing to ask yourself is - can you radically accept it until you have more information as to whether or not you'll be working with her longer term? This isn't radical acceptance for the rest of your life, it's radical acceptance for today, for this moment.

Maybe the response wasn't exactly what you would have written, but that's because you're dealing with another person who doesn't communicate the same way you do.

She said she would like to keep working with you. That is the key sentence.

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No one could write the perfect response to you in that moment, only you could. Everyone else writes what they feel is best

This is exactly where DBT will come in handy. It's all about the gray area.

Things are never black and white, good or bad. People are multi layered and there will always be things you don't like about everyone you meet. The decision comes from going over the facts and deciding if you thr good qualities outweigh the bad. Your T knows you're not happy about how she does some things, so she is acknowledging that by reminding you that you are the one in control.

I'm not sure the issue is the perfect response. I think it's a response that resonates with SP, is good enough. Part of that might be SPs work. Part of that is the therapist's work - people go to therapy because they are struggling, not because they can respond effectively.

I'm not/was not looking for a perfect response. I was asked what response I would have liked and answered it.

My main problem with my T's response was her bringing up looking for a new T, and her not acknowledging or validating my feelings.

I know that what's done is done. She wrote the response she did. I can't change it and she can't change it. And in that reguard, I should accept it. And I do. But we are all accountable for our words and actions. T's response hurt me again. Sure, she said she still wants to work with me, but then she also brings up looking for another T.

Idk. This is too much for me right now. I need her to be there for me and she's not. I need our relationship to be stable.

Then it sort of sounds like you have the answer - this one is not the one for you. I think the two of you may have different ideas about what stable looks like.

What if you did move on? Or even maybe take a break for awhile. A few things you wrote about this woman do make me a bit uncomfortable about her. Would it really hurt you to move on at this point?

I was determined not to ever do therapy again but I already had the appointment set up at the hospital after what happened to me. I knew right away that my new one could help me and that I LIKED her and felt safe and comfortable with her. It was just a feeling and it clicked. I didn't even want to like her because she's pretty and that makes me uncomfortable but I just KNEW that she was the right person to help me right now. You need that. You need to feel safe and secure and right and able to trust...

Maybe you should interview a few. Could you get some reccomendations?

I went T browsing last night. I searched for DBT Ts in 9 cities. None if them I gravitated towards. Yet when I was searching for my current T, I instantly felt like I wanted to work with her. Same with ex-T.

So I have determined that I still want to work with my T if I can. Thankfully, this morning, she finally sent me a supportive email:

She knows that I'm upset and why I'm upset. And still she says that everything will be worked out. Am I naive to be hopeful? It does give me hope. I do want to work with her. She is a good T overall. I just need more consistency. And if she's willing to put forth effort and give that to me, I think this could work out (though I will be in a new predicament if I move).

Well, that's where I'm at now. Back to hoping. Giving things another chance. This is hard for me. Normally, I would have been long gone by now. I would have been gone the first session because she double booked, but I was convinced to stay by my advocate. I'm used to running away from people who hurt me even slightly. So I'm really practicing tolerance right now. In a sense, I'm being flexible.

I really hope things can be worked out. I hope things really are okay.

I wish my T had said that to me. It would have helped A LOT.

I wouldn't give up hope. I think that was a reassuring message and I think she wants to help.

I know things with this T have been hard Scarlet but your T said "Everything will be ok". I would give anything for my T to say this to me. She hasn't. So for what its worth, that shows she cares and wants to work with you and work through this. I am glad she said that to you. You really needed it.