T's Inconsistency

Since day one, ny T has not been consistent. First session, she double books me with a regular client, so my appt gets moved. Then 3 weeks ago, she tells me that she has to change my appt time to fit other people in, but that won't start till this week. Last week she told me that next week she has a conference she's going to, so she has to switch my day. And now today I get an email from her saying that she's sick and can't see me this week. So I have another 9 more days until I can see her.

Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for some of you, but it is for me. It really upsets me. I had so much to talk to her about. Seriously, every other week is bad with this T. I know that means that next week should be a good week, but this is draining me.

I wish she could have rescheduled me. Or offered a phonr check-in. Instead, she told me to email her anything I want to talk about so she'll know for next week. What good does that do me?

I know it shouldn't, but it really triggers my SI. I'm trying to hold onto my Pdoc's words about not being so reactive and realizing that my extreme response is not normal for a healthy person. But it's so hard. This just triggers me missing ex-T again

It would be hard for me too. I cannot be that inconsistent in the job i have and I imagine most workers aren't allowed to be. In therapy that much inconsistency is troubling and very hard on a client. If the client were inconsistent like that the therapist would have trouble working with him or her. I am sorry. I hope you all can get it worked out. It is a big deal. (I think so anyway.)

This would bother me deeply too. A hallmark of good therapy is consistency. Of course sometimes schedule changes can't be helped, but that doesn't mean they don't hurt or shouldn't be avoided at all costs.

Can you tell her you need a phone check in/mini session when she's feeling a bit better? Or something else that would help you, like to email her and get a reply or something?

I totally agree. My therapist sometimes seems TOO consistent...but that is what I need, I think.

That amount of inconsistency and unreliability would be a big deal for me as well, if not a deal breaker already. Regardless of whatever is causing these things, it's not good work ethic. So I understand. I would actually bring this up with her and tell her that I find the chaotic responses upsetting and either we get more straightforward or I might consider terminating.

I would find it very off putting and it would affect me with feeling like I was always an afterthought or not wanted (my own issues I'm guessing). I am sorry you have to deal with that with her and fight her inconsistency on top of everything else.

That inconsistency would bother me as well. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Can you ask her if you can chat on the phone in a couple days or email her?

Sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I'm kind of surprised someone treating you would not realize that this would be a *huge* issue. You've had to deal with so much, and have been very clear and up front about your needs and the things you need to work on, and a therapist playing roulette with your appointment times is obviously going to make you feel bad.

To me, this would suggest a serious lack of insight on her part as to what you're actually struggling with. Hopefully you can express this to her and she can find a way to be much more consistent in her support.

This happened on a lesser level to me a few weeks ago - one of them had lost my appointment for the next week. She had another slot open, so it was fine, but surprisingly upsetting. If she did it habitually, I'd bring it up with her, so I think you should too, or ask if you need something like a short phone session.

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She did call me, but only because I didn't respond to her text (I was asleep and didn't hear it). I told her her that it hurt me and that I felt like she didn't understand. She started being mean to me, so I called her out on it. She said it was because she doesn't know how to respond when I say that to her. The conversation was short: 4mins. She says she understands. But how can she? Why did she not offer some sort of support if she knew how much this hurt? Am I expecting too much?

I feel like she just abandoned me. I know, logically, she didn't. I was crying on the phone. When I read her email, I started crying and went to my fiance for help. Why doesn't she understand that consistency matters? And maybe some clients are okay with inconsistency, but I'm not and I have told her many times.

Maybe if she didn't keep changing my schedule this wouldn't be such a hard blow. I understand things happen some times beyond our control. I understand she's sick and can't make it. But this is just one more hurt that she has caused me.

I did email her today telling her again how I felt. I asked her why she didn't offer up some kind of support. She won't read it today. She never reads emails this late.

I'm trying so hard to accept her and let her in. I have forgiven so many failures or disappointments. I have tried to be flexible and understanding. I'm trying not to run away from her. But if feels like she's almost pushing me away. I just don't understand her. How can she be supportive when I ask her to be, and then be cold and distant the next week?

I'm just hurting. And I'm tired of hurting. She's supposed to be safe and dependable. Why won't she be supportive? That's all I want.

First and foremost, Scarlet, you're allowed to have your feelings, and your therapist should absolutely not be mean to you on the phone for having them. It's not okay for her to mess with your appointments this much.

I know you're struggling to let people in, but I think the lesson should be: let people in who deserve it, not any old person who accepts you as a client.

Therapy takes two people to work. If your therapist is not who you need, trying to let her in is just a recipe for disaster.

I'm about to say something so sexist I should probably kick myself for saying it (and I thoroughly understand it if it makes people reading this feel a bit stabby), but have you considered a male T? My personal experience is that men are often more consistent, less likely to be 'mean' because you say something they don't want to hear, plus, they can often be very nurturing. I've personally found my male Ts to be way more engaged and caring than the female ones I've tried. Other people's mileage will no doubt vary.

Either way, male or female T, you deserve way, way more than this. If I were you, I'd be T shopping again.

I'm afraid of men...for 2 reasons.

1. I'm afraid of them hurting me. I struggle with saying (and writing) what has happened in the past. One time it was with a fellow college student when we were supposed to be studying. Another time, the bus driver seemed kind and wanted to "talk" to me alone on the bus. Another time was at a bus station at night and I was cornered in the shadow of a building. (I won't ride buses anymore).

There are very few men I feel safe with because men who I should have been able to trust like a bus driver or like a fellow student, have taken advantage of me. The only men I trust are my fiance, step-dad, brother-in-law, nephews, and my tattoo artist. They are the only ones I'll let touch me. I still am not even sure if I'm safe with the men in my group...not even the therapist.

2. I mistake a connection with a man as love. My fiance had this friend who used to give me big tight hugs and always said "I love you". I knew I was starting to develop feelings, so I told my fiance to never leave me alone with him and to ask him to stop hugging me.

There was another instance with a guy I met on an online game. Things started out friendly and slowly started to turn romantic. Again, I told my fiance and he switched game servers. There have been a few more examples too.

So I don't trust men and I don’t trust myself with men. Sometimes I do think a male T would be good for me. No real risk of maternal transference (though I know that happens with some). But I don't want erotic transference either!

Idk. I still start having increased heart rate and faster breathing before group simply because I have so much anxiety being around a man.

Part of me wants to look for another T and part of me doesn't. There are things I really like about this T. She can be really nice. When she is supportive, it's exactly what I need. I like her boundaries with emails, phone calls, and hugs (though I still don't trust her enough to ask for a hug). I think for the most part she has good boundaries.

The main thing I would change is more consistent, no more threats or ultimatums, and for her to always be kind and supportive.

My problem is that my T reminds me of what happened with ex-T. Ex-T went from so loving, caring, and supportive to distant, cold, uncaring, and mean in a weeks time. And this T is doing the same every other week. The only difference is that she hasn't actually abandoned me...yet. My gut tells me she won't abandon me, but it told me the same about ex-T.

Ah, well, those are great reasons not to have a male therapist. Personally, I react far better to men than women, but that's because my personal life experiences have led me to trust men more than women. I can understand how you'd prefer a woman, hopefully you can either work through this with your current therapist or find someone more suitable.

What threats and ultimatums has she given you? I don't like the sound of this lady very much. Hot and cold is just as inconsistent as messing with appointments.

It seems like this therapist, when she is good, is very, very good, and when she is bad, she's horrid. (Does she have a curl in the middle of her forehead? )

You've mentioned good things she's done for you, and also bad things. I guess the question is whether this is more due to something like adjusting to a new therapist after the old one, or whether she just isn't right for you. Only you can really answer that for yourself.

It's a little complicated. At first she said I have 2 weeks to get more structure in my life. She told me examples like get a job (I can't), volunteer (don't want to), go back to school (I'm trying to contact my old counselor), go to church (tried, but it didn’t work out), play a video game (yeah, I was addicted to one game for 6 years...), join IOP (may insurance doesn't cover any outpatient), or find a group. This was all because I had a bad week! I got her to drop the time restriction thankfully. Ironically, I did find a DBT group within about 2-3 weeks.

But it was a really bad session. So bad that I had to pay for another session right aftetwards because I told her I didn't feel safe going home.

I asked her to never threaten me or give me an ultimatum again. She said she couldn't promise me that because she might have to again in the future...

The bolded part: SERIOUSLY!!!! And no she doesn’t have a curl in the middle of ger forehead. Why?

I wish I knew if she is ir isn't the T for me. Part of me thinks she might be. Part of me thinks she's not. And I worry that if she is the right T, then it will be a mistake to lose her. I'm telling you, if she would just stay consistent and nice and supportive, I would have no problems with this T.

But I'm sure you're right. Some of this is just adjusting. Some of it is bad luck. Some is me not speaking up in rhe moment. Some of it is me rejecting her and focusing on the ideal version of ex-T. But some of it is also her.

I've been flexible with her: her schedule and boundaries. Shouldn't she be flexible with me? Isn't that part of a new relationship. I have told her over and over again what I want from her. I told her I need support and how to be supportive. I told her I need her to be warmer. I told her I need her to be consistent. She says she understands how I feel, yet she reverts back into her cold uncaring self. Why does she do this when she's more than capable of being nice? I'm not asking her to love me. Hell, I feel so distant from her that I haven't felt safe enough to ask for a hug. It's been 6 months with her already. If this was soley about adjustment, shouldn't that period be over? Is it me? Is it her? Are we just not meant to be? Have I lost yet another person? God, this is going to kill me. Why doesn't she understand what this relationship means to me? How hard it is to put myself out there again aftet ex-T? To keep forgiving the "mistakes"? And to keep putting my trust back into her?

I just want her to be consistent and nice. Is that really a lot to ask for?

:O What? This isn't how therapy works. It just isn't. If your therapist is at the point of issuing ultimatums, the relationship is pretty bad. Because it means that dialog has broken down to the point where the therapist is no longer able to discuss options with you, but instead just tells you what to do.

Getting structure in one's life is a good thing, sure, but you have to discuss the whys and the hows, and overcome whatever obstacles are in the way of you doing that.

Right now, she's essentially holding her connection with you to ransom. I think she's actually manipulating your condition, withholding approval and warmth unless you do what she wants. That's really, really, toxic behavior. I don't have a good feeling about any of this. (I am just a random internet human, so you know, grain of salt and all that.)

I agree with Skyscraper Meow. That is not good therapy. She should not be issuing ultimatums or scolding you. One of the basic principles of therapy is unconditional positive regard, and she is clearly putting conditions on the relationship.
But when she behaves in a way that is unsatisfactory to you, she gets defensive! I don't think that's acceptable behaviour from a T.

One of my biggest issues with my exT was feeling like she got defensive and didn't want to really understand why something she did made me feel a certain way. She always attributed it to the transference when, now, I think some of it was her personality. Therefore, I didn't feel heard or supported.

Is it possible that this is just who she is. I heard a quote once that went something along the lines of "I never trust words, I even have a problem with actions, but I never doubt a pattern" Yes she has the capacity to do what you want her to and give support your way but she reverts back because that is likely how she thinks giving support would help you.

So maybe your personalities just don't work if you cannot have the support she is willing to give you. If that support is not worthy as it is and you are made crazy by the fluctuations then maybe it's time to leave? She is showing you who she is as a T. Hear her now before you are 2 years in.

I think asking yourself does the good really outweigh the horrid - and how much damage does the horrid do? In therapy does the good really outweigh the bad parts of a therapist? I think everyone deserves a consistent therapist that may have off days (certainly they are human) but to be all over the map and to cause distress to a client is wrong.

I kept hoping that as you kept posting about her that she would eventually "settle" and find consistency with you. I can't imagine after all you have been through how painful this is for you. Up one week down the next.

I'm not a fan of inconsistency. If my T were inconsistent with appointments, he wouldn't be my T. The very few times he's been late (once very late), it took me a while to get back into the headspace of being able to talk about my issues because my anxiety shot up. We've worked together for six and a half years so, like I said, these have been far and few issues. For the most part it's as steady as the sun.

I also don't like ultimatums. I don't respond to those. If you tell me I have to do X, I find it patronizing. My T is not my father. He is not my boss. He is my T and he can offer insight, suggestions, and he works with me as an equal though one with expertise to help guide the way. If I refuse to do something it is not his place to try to force me to do it.

Maybe it's because he's really steeped in the DBT mindset. That is, his goal is to empower me as an individual to make healthy choices. He never even gave me ultimatums surrounding my self-harm. He acknowledged them, talked about the emotions around them and then we worked on skills. If I came in next week with more evidence of it, rinse and repeat. No judgments. No ultimatums, just methodical responses that eventually worked. I actually ended up stopping naturally because I internalized the skills after a long while.

So. That's a really long reply. I guess I'm saying, you are a person worthy of respect - with regards to your time, with regards to your intelligence.

I can understand not wanting a male T. I prefer to talk to a guy myself. I don't have ET but my T isn't too much older than me and is very attractive But outside of the occasional fantasy, I don't have much romantic inclination towards him. I have a good marriage and am quite satisfied there. And he's very ethical so I'm comfortable seeing him because the boundaries remain clear and consistent. (See I love consistency LOL).

I was referencing an old nursery rhyme - "there was a little girl/who had a pretty curl/right in the middle of her forehead/and when she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid."

The phrase "when she was good..." etc. has stuck with me since as a way to describe difficult, changeable people.

More seriously, it's not too much to ask for consistency and niceness. In fact, it's a basis for therapy. Like someone else said, I was hoping this woman would turn out to be a good fit. Maybe she still will be, but some stuff needs to be ironed out first. Have there been any ultimatums since the big one back a month or two ago?


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