[Fuzzybear]

What happens when someone's fantasies of a "good mother" get smashed?

Good question. I think there's lots more to this then just that..for me its a case of seeing someone as imperfect but good enought...a case of being realistic and seeing the fantasy for what it is...just that...its also a way to learn to become our own good enought mother to ourselfs...its also a way of seeing someone as perfect and imperfect at the same time and being able to hold that....also is it the fact that the "object" has been smashed by their actions toward us? or is it us splitting the object and into bad and good and infact the object really hasn't consituted being smashed??? HHmm lots to think about here.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks mouse, with the T's I think it's both.....the "good object" was smashed by their actions, but there is also some splitting going on within me

[jacq10]

I wish i could help you out with this one Fuzzy ... i guess there just comes a point where you have to realize that your mother is human too and she makes mistakes just like anyone else. No one is perfect, and its hard to see that when you have all these ideologies of what a "mother" should be like.

Hang in there, and i'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on
(((((((((fuzzy))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))))

my mother has never been a good mother wish i could help. just as i was reading this post she called to say she isn't taking me to my grandad's place of remembrance today (her father) because her dog is at the vets! he has to stay the day for gods sake. i have written a poem for him and wanted to just sit and look at his name in the rememberance book and now nothing sorry to rant. i'm going to pluck up all my courage and bloody well drive myself there this afternoon.
JUST ONE MORE LET DOWN FROM THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO CARE, NEVER HAS AND PUTS HER DOG BEFORE HER DAUGHTER AND HER POOR DECEASED FATHER. ***** IS THE WORD THAT SPRINGS TO MIND RIGHT NOW

SORRY IF THIS OFFENDS I AM HURT AND VERY VERY ANGRY. ONE STEP BACK IN ME AND HER TRYING TO PUT THINGS STRAIGHT.

JIN

FUZZY IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND SOMEONE HAS UPSET YOU PLEASE DONT LISTEN. oops sorry caps.

the one thing i know is that my kids are balanced, good students, happy and thriving. that's down to me giving them lots of love and support and cuddles and not doing what my mother did which was not protect me.

i'm damned sure you are a good mum.maybe you should elaborate on the question? sorry if i'm being dumb.

kerry xoxoxoxox

[Fuzzybear]

I understand, the mother is a "*****" also

(((((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))))

Me (?) I'm just a "mother" to ........ as a former T said "you've already got a baby"

[jefftele]

thats a biggie i guess it means different things to different people ,in my case i had to smash fantasies of both my parents ,after years of anger at them i finally broke through to the sadness that lay behind it ,i feel lack of parenting has been a major player in my poor mental health. it made me what i feel become a caring father who isn't perfect but did a much better job than mine did . i have forgiven my parents now for their weaknesses, i feel that in turn has helped me good luck

[MissCharlotte]

Wow, that's a huge question for me. I have faced the fantasy dead on with respect to my own mother and my own mothering.

What happens, I think is that we face the reality -- and let go of the fantasies we have lived with, for years. On some level, I hope we begin to accept, the human side.

And, on another level, we understand the crying child within ourselves, who was neglected, abused.

OH, my....a LOT happens when we let go of the dream.

[Evangelista]

This post has been removed at the request of the poster.

Thanks!

KD