[musinglizzy]

Here's the topic again....

I was talking about my son going to therapy on Thursday during my session. There is a man in the same building as my T that I would like my son to see, since he shows an interest in going to therapy. This isn't just for nothing, there are a few things where I think he could benefit. But my T said something on Thursday that really made me think.

When she was talking about this man (whom I have talked to several times and really like), she said he was such a fun guy (I can hear that on the other side of the wall), but he has a very "paternal" way about him. I slammed on the brakes.

One of my son's issues is that his dad (my husband) is not very involved with him. He could use a man to talk to. However, that comment made me nervous.

I am very attached to my T. To the point of having a hard time leaving her, even if it IS the right thing. So I think about my son and wonder how therapy would be for him. Can/do kids tend to get attached to their therapists also? I am not looking for a paternal therapist to help my son get what his dad doesn't give him. Because I don't want my son hurt, with the therapeutic relationship, boundaries, etc. Then I wondered if perhaps therapists are different with kids.... you know, cuz they're young and impressionable and cute....

Just want to know if anyone's kids are in therapy, has the relationship/boundaries hurt them in any way?

Thanks!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Here's the topic again....

I was talking about my son going to therapy on Thursday during my session. There is a man in the same building as my T that I would like my son to see, since he shows an interest in going to therapy. This isn't just for nothing, there are a few things where I think he could benefit. But my T said something on Thursday that really made me think.

When she was talking about this man (whom I have talked to several times and really like), she said he was such a fun guy (I can hear that on the other side of the wall), but he has a very "paternal" way about him. I slammed on the brakes.

One of my son's issues is that his dad (my husband) is not very involved with him. He could use a man to talk to. However, that comment made me nervous.

I am very attached to my T. To the point of having a hard time leaving her, even if it IS the right thing. So I think about my son and wonder how therapy would be for him. Can/do kids tend to get attached to their therapists also? I am not looking for a paternal therapist to help my son get what his dad doesn't give him. Because I don't want my son hurt, with the therapeutic relationship, boundaries, etc. Then I wondered if perhaps therapists are different with kids.... you know, cuz they're young and impressionable and cute....

Just want to know if anyone's kids are in therapy, has the relationship/boundaries hurt them in any way?

Thanks!

I'm guessing they can attach, too. I'm assuming you'd meet with the T, too, at least briefly, before your son started going solo. You could discuss your concerns about him getting attached and see if the T has dealt with that before, what he does to avoid it, etc. Another thought is--does this T specialize in kids/teens? If not, might be best to try to find one who does, just because they'd be used to dealing with kids who might be particularly impressionable.

The thing is, there could be a risk of his becoming attached to any male authority figure, whether a T or someone else. I became attached to a teacher in high school, so it doesn't have to be a T. At least a T is trained to deal with attachment, unlike a teacher (mine handled some stuff very badly with me).

[atisketatasket]

What's your son's goal for therapy? I don't recall why he wanted to go from your earlier thread. It seems to me if you know that, you would know better if this therapist might be a decent fit.

And, there is a danger of him getting attached with any therapist, not just the fun ones.

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[healed84]

My son is in therapy and I wouldn't say he is attached. He realized one day when his t went on break that he hadn't seen her for two weeks, but it didn't seem to bother him. But you have to take j to consideration that he is 5 and is on the ASD that is why he is in therapy.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks for the input. This T sees a lot of kids/teens, but sees adults too. Yes, I would go in with him for as long as he wants me to. I really like the guy.

My son wants to try therapy because he went with me once, and he thought it was "fun." Well, that's not the reason I would allow it...but I did tell him sometimes it's hard, not fun. My son is SUPER sensitive (much like me). A very sensitive kid. I like to say "he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders." So I think that alone is a good reason for him to try therapy, but he also has dad issues. He and my husband just never connected. My son has a hard time with that sometimes, but he's just so used to it now. I think he would benefit from therapy for these reasons.

[Victoria'smom]

My son is very attached but doesn't "show " it but he'll ask "just wondering " when the next time he'll see her about midway through the week.

[Favorite Jeans]

Why would it be bad for your son to attach to his therapist?

You're saying that your goal for his therapy is not to compensate for his lacklustre relationship with his dad, but:

1) to what extent do you really get to set the goals for his therapy?

2) it seems highly plausible that some of his anxiety might be rooted in an insecure attachment to his dad.

3) yes parental transference can be painful and yes kids experience it, but sometimes what comes up in therapy is painful and try as we might, we cannot shield our children from that.

I am not saying that I think you should have your son do therapy with this fun guy or anyone else. It's a big decision to entrust someone with your child's emotional well-being and it's just one way to help kids with anxiety. I am saying I'm not sure I follow your reasoning on this.

[Lauliza]

I think kids attach to therapists, but not in the same way adults do. Therapy at a young age should not be hard work (unless there are behavioral issues and he needs charts/ reward systems). therapy had to be fun or children won't want to go back. Plus he's young to do talk therapy so it's more likely the T will just try to engage him through play. He may also serve as a positive male figure for your son to interact with. If he connects with your son ", he may learn more about how his relationship with his dad is affecting him.

So to answer the question about attachment, I don't think you need to worry. Your son won't be interaxtig the same way you do with your T, so while a connection will be made, I don't think it fosters the kind of attachment you sometimes see with teens and adults.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Yes, kids can attach like that. I was so attached to some teachers in high school because they paid attention to me that I would cry all summer. When I graduated (11th grade here -- I was 16), I fell into the first really deep depression of my life. My heart was broken.

[msxyz]

I've had a kid and a teen in therapy and it's not like it for adults. It's not work as such. Kids play games, teens talk about the stuff they find cool, it's a different way of interacting and relating.

I don't think you get to decide that the therapist should avoid having your son attach to him. I'm not even sure how that's supposed to work.

I think that it is really likely that a teenager would get really attached. You feel things even more intensely when you are a teenager. Someone on here once said: I don't recommend anyone go into therapy unless they really need to. I think that is good advice, you know yourself how overwhelming and confusing it can be, I'm sure it would be the same for a teen. When I was worried about my daughter a few years ago (before I had experienced therapy myself) I concluded that I had to give her what she needed myself, I went away with her for weekends, I made extra time for her, we played cards, we did art together, I listened to her whenever when she wanted to talk even though it wasn't always the right time for me. I don't think anyone else can do it better than a parent, even though we may feel a bit inadequate. I hope I'm being helpful, I can't hear how my words sound to you.

I'd make sure that the T your son might be going to see is a good one that doesn't pathologize and doesn't see a diagnoses in every (potential) problem.

[justdesserts]

My son is in therapy and I haven't seen him get attached the way I have; however, my son is securely attached to both parents and is looking more for someone to help him with his depression. I agree with others who say that therapy for most kids/teens is different from what it is for adults. It's much more about problem solving that identity formation.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

My son is in therapy and I haven't seen him get attached the way I have; however, my son is securely attached to both parents and is looking more for someone to help him with his depression. I agree with others who say that therapy for most kids/teens is different from what it is for adults. It's much more about problem solving that identity formation.

I think it really varies. My therapy as a teenager was all about identity formation, and it has had an impact that's lasted decades. Also, I became very strongly attached to my counselor in just a few sessions.

[divine1966]

My daughter was in therapy and no she didn't get attached at all. She is securely attached to both me and her dad so she had no transference issue etc but she was in therapy because she wanted to talk about a very specific thing. It wasn't related to parents or upbringing etc

So maybe depends on what he will go to therapy for?

Motherless students tend to attach to me because I am very motherly. The ones that have good relationships with their mothers are much less attached.

Do you feel he needs therapy?

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[wotchermuggle]

Have you considered looking into getting your son a Big Brother instead of therapy?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I started seeing my current T when I was 16. I got pretty attached to her quickly. I think anyone can attach to a therapist, teen or not.

I agree with what other people said about only going to therapy if you really need it.

[musinglizzy]

Just to update. I've spoken with the T that I'd take my son to, and I spoke with MY T about my son going. My T thinks its a good idea, as does his pediatrician. I told him I would go with him and he'd just meet this guy (I already know him somewhat), and if he likes him, great, if he doesn't want to go back, he doesn't have to. This may just be an every other week or once a month thing, we're just going to take things one step at a time. The T is a really nice guy, and quite playful himself....very fun. I really think my son is going to like him.

My son has issues with his self esteem (who doesn't at that age?), weight, his father, and he's SO sensitive. This might be beneficial for him. We have his first session scheduled Wednesday night. From there, he can choose if/when he goes back.

[scorpiosis37]

If your son doesn't have a strong relationship with his father, it might be really helpful for him to develop a secure attachment to a male T so that he can experience that kind of safe/secure relationship. I am wondering, though, if you have talked to your husband about his relationship with your son? Is he open to working on improving his relationship with his son? Is he in therapy? Have you considered father/son or family therapy? Unless there is a reason why your husband is unable to be a father, it seems it might be even more beneficial for your son to develop a relationship with his father. Having a parent who has little interest in your life and puts no effort into building a relationship with you can be incredibly damaging to a child. If there is any way to intervene there, it might be worth it.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

If your son doesn't have a strong relationship with his father, it might be really helpful for him to develop a secure attachment to a male T so that he can experience that kind of safe/secure relationship. I am wondering, though, if you have talked to your husband about his relationship with your son? Is he open to working on improving his relationship with his son? Is he in therapy? Have you considered father/son or family therapy? Unless there is a reason why your husband is unable to be a father, it seems it might be even more beneficial for your son to develop a relationship with his father. Having a parent who has little interest in your life and puts no effort into building a relationship with you can be incredibly damaging to a child. If there is any way to intervene there, it might be worth it.

Yes. I have talked to him. Over and over and over again. I drug him to therapy with me for one session last year. He won't go to marriage counseling. I never knew my dad, so it hits me even harder that my son knows his, but has little relationship with him. There is no reason why he can't act like a good father. I swore I chose well. He was always amazing with other peoples' kids, including nieces/nephews. He is INSANELY close to his family, especially his dad. They are VERY tight knit. I get no answers out of my H, even when I ask him about his own relationship with his father, and why he wouldn't want that for his own son. I have done all I can (aside from divorce him). He's what brought me into therapy a year and a half ago.

[musinglizzy]

I thought I'd update. My son and I had a meet-and-greet session with his possible T tonight. It went well. We played a "getting to know you" board game. My son opened up to him pretty quickly about his dad issues. He also said some very touching things about me. Things he admires about me. It was a great experience. He wants to go back, so we'll work on some sort of schedule. Whether it be once a week, or two, or once a month, or just whenever he wants to schedule one, I will let him decide.