[rainbow8]

I had a lot to say yesterday, as is often the case. I went on for awhile and then T stopped me. She said it didn't seem like I was really present with her, and when I leave, I won't feel connected. She had me look around the room, then look at her, and asked me how I felt looking at her. I was self-conscious. She had me do this about 4 times. I just wanted to continue talking.

She said that I probably do this in real life too. I do. If I go on and on, it's not a conversation. She said I need to let the other person talk too. So I slowed down and looked at her. I did feel more connected but I was blushing. I didn't feel any attraction to her yesterday but she said it might be the shame of her looking at me when I'm looking at her. She thinks it's important and has to do with my sexual issues.

T also commented on the way I reacted to a question she asked me. Again, she said she was telling me because she thinks I might turn people off if I react in that kind of angry manner.

So the session was different from what I planned, which is okay, except I feel like T criticized me too much. I know what she told me was true, and I ought to be ready to hear it. Still, I feel unsettled about it. We also forgot to hug before I left, but that was my fault because I didn't initiate it like I always do. She was looking at my painting on my phone and it was 5 minutes past the ending time, so I left quickly without the hug.

My T rarely points out my negative social skills. I feel like she punished me.

[Petra5ed]

No one is perfect She was probably coming at it as how can I help Rainbow by pointing out reactions you might not be aware of., but I get that those shifts in their behavior can be unsettling.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I had a lot to say yesterday, as is often the case. I went on for awhile and then T stopped me. She said it didn't seem like I was really present with her, and when I leave, I won't feel connected. She had me look around the room, then look at her, and asked me how I felt looking at her. I was self-conscious. She had me do this about 4 times. I just wanted to continue talking.

She said that I probably do this in real life too. I do. If I go on and on, it's not a conversation. She said I need to let the other person talk too. So I slowed down and looked at her. I did feel more connected but I was blushing. I didn't feel any attraction to her yesterday but she said it might be the shame of her looking at me when I'm looking at her. She thinks it's important and has to do with my sexual issues.

T also commented on the way I reacted to a question she asked me. Again, she said she was telling me because she thinks I might turn people off if I react in that kind of angry manner.

So the session was different from what I planned, which is okay, except I feel like T criticized me too much. I know what she told me was true, and I ought to be ready to hear it. Still, I feel unsettled about it. We also forgot to hug before I left, but that was my fault because I didn't initiate it like I always do. She was looking at my painting on my phone and it was 5 minutes past the ending time, so I left quickly without the hug.

My T rarely points out my negative social skills. I feel like she punished me.

I think she thinks very highly of you and is proud of how far you've progressed in your therapy. You can handle this and she knows it. Still, I know you feel the uncertainty and unsettled feelings.

Hugs to you girl cause you have come a long way!

[velcro003]

Rainbow, I am sorry to hear! I also was unsettled by my therapy session last week. She brought up something I wasn't expecting, and the conversation overall was just unsettling to me, and i really didn't like it, even though I didn't fully realize it until after it was over. It SUCKS when that happens! Boo, Ts!!

Really though, as much as it sucks, and I know you have a good relationship with your T, you can go back next week and tell her what felt off. I plan on trying it on Saturday with mine.

[SallyBrown]

Hey Rainbow,

It might help to talk to your T about why she did this. Because as I'm thinking about it, if I were your T, I might choose *now* to be more direct about your social interactions, because you're at a point in your life where they take on a certain significance. You have more time to spend with friends now, and if you want to get your paintings out there I would guess you'll have to do a fair amount of negotiation and self-promotion to get your artwork displayed and sold. Good interpersonal skills will help with this.

Plus, let's be blunt: your marriage was pretty tough. I know you loved your H but there were hard times. T is in a unique position to help you *at the beginning* of any new partnership you pursue (when you're ready!). Imagine if you'd been able to communicate with your H better from the very beginning.

For me, although I know we approach therapy in very similar ways, I have almost the opposite problem. I am reserved and self-conscious about talking to myself, and am actually well-known IRL for being someone that people find themselves talking and talking and talking to. I don't mind that most of the time, I kind of like it actually because I enjoy hearing people's stories, but in some situations a person really has to be able to talk about herself. So for me, my early days of therapy were sessions that were >50% silent. I just didn't know how to just talk about myself. Not coincidentally, the earlier stages of my relationship with my H were >50% about him (I mean, obviously there are times when it's more about one partner than the other, but overall, it was more about him than me). Things really didn't get better until I improved at communicating more effectively with him. I sometimes wonder how it would have been (and strangely, if we'd even still be together) had I been a more self-assured person when I first started dating my H.

Anyway, I can only speculate as to your T's intentions. I can't quite tell but I think you probably know she isn't *really* punishing you even though it feels that way. I wonder if it would feel a little less like punishment if you could have a dialogue with her about where she's coming from.

Good luck!

[Igenio]

To me it sounds like your T thinks you are ready to handle some critisism. Which is actually a complement in it's own way. If you feel like you aren't ready for her direct-ness than tell her. Ask her next time if she can be less direct. Though I must say. Beating around the bush isn't going to let you help solve the issues in my opinion. Therapy is hard work and it isn't strange for me to leave confused and selfconcious. However I always remind myself my T cares and tries to help. After things have settled down it gives me new things to work on and new things to think about. Ranting about what I already know I can do in my journal. But hey, that's how it works for me.

Perhaps you need to be challenged; with challenge can come self-awareness which is important to grow and move forward. Challenge is not criticism, not necessarily negative anyway. Criticism can be constructive and educationally valuable. Can you consider that her challenging of you was meant to be constructively critical as opposed to negatively critical? There is a difference.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

No one is perfect She was probably coming at it as how can I help Rainbow by pointing out reactions you might not be aware of., but I get that those shifts in their behavior can be unsettling.

Thanks, Petra. Yes, she wrote in an email that yes, she understands that it was hard for me but she hopes it will be helpful.

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I think she thinks very highly of you and is proud of how far you've progressed in your therapy. You can handle this and she knows it. Still, I know you feel the uncertainty and unsettled feelings.

Hugs to you girl cause you have come a long way!

Aw, thanks Pam. I think you're right about my T thinking I can handle it. Even her criticism is kind of gentle, though. Yeah, unsettled is the feeling word.

Originally Posted by velcro003

Rainbow, I am sorry to hear! I also was unsettled by my therapy session last week. She brought up something I wasn't expecting, and the conversation overall was just unsettling to me, and i really didn't like it, even though I didn't fully realize it until after it was over. It SUCKS when that happens! Boo, Ts!!

Really though, as much as it sucks, and I know you have a good relationship with your T, you can go back next week and tell her what felt off. I plan on trying it on Saturday with mine.

I already sent her an email and she emailed me back. Good luck with telling your T how you felt. That unsettled feeling is the worst!

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Hey Rainbow,

It might help to talk to your T about why she did this. Because as I'm thinking about it, if I were your T, I might choose *now* to be more direct about your social interactions, because you're at a point in your life where they take on a certain significance. You have more time to spend with friends now, and if you want to get your paintings out there I would guess you'll have to do a fair amount of negotiation and self-promotion to get your artwork displayed and sold. Good interpersonal skills will help with this.

Plus, let's be blunt: your marriage was pretty tough. I know you loved your H but there were hard times. T is in a unique position to help you *at the beginning* of any new partnership you pursue (when you're ready!). Imagine if you'd been able to communicate with your H better from the very beginning.

For me, although I know we approach therapy in very similar ways, I have almost the opposite problem. I am reserved and self-conscious about talking to myself, and am actually well-known IRL for being someone that people find themselves talking and talking and talking to. I don't mind that most of the time, I kind of like it actually because I enjoy hearing people's stories, but in some situations a person really has to be able to talk about herself. So for me, my early days of therapy were sessions that were >50% silent. I just didn't know how to just talk about myself. Not coincidentally, the earlier stages of my relationship with my H were >50% about him (I mean, obviously there are times when it's more about one partner than the other, but overall, it was more about him than me). Things really didn't get better until I improved at communicating more effectively with him. I sometimes wonder how it would have been (and strangely, if we'd even still be together) had I been a more self-assured person when I first started dating my H.

Anyway, I can only speculate as to your T's intentions. I can't quite tell but I think you probably know she isn't *really* punishing you even though it feels that way. I wonder if it would feel a little less like punishment if you could have a dialogue with her about where she's coming from.

Good luck!

Thank you, Sally. I know T was pointing these things out because she thinks I must relate the same way in my "real life". I do, with people I feel comfortable with. I used to be like you, and I still am, with people I don't know very well. I'm shy and I don't talk very much; I listen to them. Being in therapy unleashed this need (that I probably always had but didn't know it) to unburden myself and talk and talk and talk! She's right that it's not such a good thing to do except in therapy. I also know that I respond in anger, sort of, when someone says something that irritates me. T gets the brunt of that a lot. It feels like punishment because I'm so sensitive to criticism, but I know she's telling me out of a desire to help me.

Originally Posted by Igenio

To me it sounds like your T thinks you are ready to handle some critisism. Which is actually a complement in it's own way. If you feel like you aren't ready for her direct-ness than tell her. Ask her next time if she can be less direct. Though I must say. Beating around the bush isn't going to let you help solve the issues in my opinion. Therapy is hard work and it isn't strange for me to leave confused and selfconcious. However I always remind myself my T cares and tries to help. After things have settled down it gives me new things to work on and new things to think about. Ranting about what I already know I can do in my journal. But hey, that's how it works for me.

Thanks, Igenio. You're right. My T cares very much for me. She knows I won't be satisfied if I don't feel connected to her, so part of her criticism was for my own benefit, right there in the session, as well as to help me relate more effectively with people in real life.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Perhaps you need to be challenged; with challenge can come self-awareness which is important to grow and move forward. Challenge is not criticism, not necessarily negative anyway. Criticism can be constructive and educationally valuable. Can you consider that her challenging of you was meant to be constructively critical as opposed to negatively critical? There is a difference.

Yes, I can, lola. I felt unsettled but also challenged. I love my T and I know that she tries very hard to encourage my growth. It wasn't negative but it was still hard for me. I didn't want to hear what she was saying, and I didn't want to keep looking at her and telling her how I felt! I'm glad that part who is in love with her doesn't seem to be around as much though T would have been all right with that part too.