[breathe]

Hi all,

As the title says, I think I am in love with my therapist.

I feel we have really connected in a way, and he makes me feel feelings I have never experienced before. I think about him all the time. I have worked with a lot of professional people regarding my issues i.e. anxiety etc. But no-one has ever understood the way he does. He has gone out of his way to help me. He feels more like a friend than a therapist now.

I have his mobile number, and his house number. And his work email address and personal email address. He texts me, and I text him. We have hugged 3 times. We have spoken about his personal life, I know all about his family situation. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met. He knows how I feel about him, but it just hurts so much that I can't do anything about the way I feel. I want to be with him.

Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

breathe x

[ClaireB]

If it feels more like a friendship than a therapeutic relationship, then that's a huge warning sign. Friends don't take money from you to listen to you pour out your heart. Friends are just there for free. He's supposed to be a professional not your friend. He's not supposed to be using your therapy sessions (or txt messaging you) to talk about his family situation. He should be doing that with his own therapist on his own dime.

That's how our relationship got out of whack. He started by giving me his email address, and his cell phone, and on and on and on. We joked around a lot, we became more and more like close friends. Please, please be careful.

I'm editing this because I realized after I posted, that I probably came across a little harsh. Just take care of you.

I have my therapist's work email - so I can contact her during business hours. But mostly it's used to write out things I need to deal with, so that I can send it to her and then she has it, and then I have to face it later in session.

I have her home number only because when I went to IL (where my abusive family is) she wanted me to be able to contact her and she was taking a vacation at the same time. I've never used her home number (tho my roommate has one night when she was panicked that I didnt come home). If anything is so important to have to contact them after hours (by mobile or home phone) - a crisis line should deal with it.

The text messaging is a little over the top.

The sharing too much of his personal life is a little over the top.

It sounds like he has major issues setting boundaries for his client. As a client, this feels good, because you get close to them, feel important, etc. But it's really damaging. He's supposed to be a professional and this is a therapist-client relationship, not a friendship.

I think you DO feel love towards your therapist. But you feel it even more so because he's failed to set proper boundaries.

they say...with studies and all...that crossing the boundary is always damaging to the patient... always. But myself, if I'd had the chance I would have slept with my therapist. Watch yourself, because if you get damaged you can't undo it... not easily. Remember, that no matter how nice he is or how good you feel, there is a power problem, he has it all.

take care... research what transference is, especially erotic or romantic transfernce

[DePressMe]

This may be an odd thing to think about…but, having a relationship outside of the client/therapist realm will cause him harm as well as you. Maybe you should encourage him to get counseling.

[sunrise]

breathe, is there anything to make you think he reciprocates your feelings in any way? Many clients fall in love with their therapists. It can be part of transference and is certainly, at the very least, confusing. Therapists are used to dealing with this.

Self disclosure by the therapist is part of some therapeutic approaches and is not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on the aim of the self disclosure and the content of what is said. You wrote: "We have spoken about his personal life, I know all about his family situation." This doesn't necessarily sound inappropriate to me, but might be. I know some about my therapist's family situation too, both current and when he was growing up. Each time he has self disclosed to me, it has been therapeutically valuable and served a purpose. In addition, therapist self disclosure can help build the therapeutic relationship into one of mutualism, an important value in the humanistic model. I guess my question would be, was this the type of self disclosure your therapist was doing? If so, it is probably fine. Or was it something more, not appropriate, over the top, etc.?

Anyway, from what you wrote, I'm not sure if there is more than just typical one-way therapist transference love going on here. Do you think there is? The text messaging seems a bit weird, though! The hugs are not unheard of, as we have a thread here where a number of people said that their therapists hugged them. Do you think the relationship is inappropriate?

sunny

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breathe said:
Hi all,

As the title says, I think I am in love with my therapist.

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How much do you know about transference? I ask this because if I didn't know a lot about transference, I'd probably think I'm in love with my therapist, too. All the feelings are there-- but I know where it's coming from.

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He feels more like a friend than a therapist now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What are the main reasons that he feels more like a friend than a therapist? I mean, I understand that you have his phone numbers, you text msg., etc. But why does it FEEL like he's a friend, not a therapist? As far as my therapist, he understands me more than anyone in the world ever has-- he has helped me in ways I never thought someone could-- but the line is very clearly drawn, very defined-- he always has, and always will feel like my therapist.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have his mobile number, and his house number. And his work email address and personal email address. He texts me, and I text him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Need more info. here-- How did this transpire? How did it come about that you got both of these numbers? The way you wrote it, it sounds like he text messages you first-- is this the case? Not trying to interrogate you here, just want a sense of what is going on.

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We have hugged 3 times. We have spoken about his personal life, I know all about his family situation. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met. He knows how I feel about him, but it just hurts so much that I can't do anything about the way I feel. I want to be with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Not trying to be hurtful, just want to be honest here-- this is why I do not believe in physical contact between patient and therapist-- no more than a handshake. When transference is at its strongest, and there is physical contact, the lines can become easily blurred. Transference revolves around emotions that can almost be too intense to handle... if you couple this with physical contant, the emotions can easily get out of hand, confusing, and at times, damaging.

You mentioned that he knows how you feel about him-- how did he respond to this?

I hope you can get this straightened out with him.

[breathe]

Thankyou all for replying, was much appreciated. I haven't been around for a few days, been having a really tough time. I also have hurt my hand so was quite sore to type. But your replies were helpful.

I know quite a bit about transference, and we have talked about it in session. But I feel it's more than transference.

I feel my therapist has become too involved with me now, and I'm thinking I might not see him again. I do have a lot going on just now. He is stressing out about it all, he thinks I'm out of control at the moment. I don't want to hurt him (I don't mean like in a fight or anything, I mean emotionally).

I have BPD, and I think he is very stressed due to my behaviour at the moment, he has told me he feels powerless. I have been harming myself pretty badly, and have been doing other things which I can't say on here. I just have so much going on at the moment. I really don't mean to upset him, and I don't want to hurt him.

This is such a hard decision to make as he means so much to me, but I feel for his own sake I should stop seeing him. He is getting too involved.

Sorry, I know that has nothing to do with what I posted about in the first place, just can't think about anything right now.

Thanks again for all the replies,

breathe x

[guadalupe]

Dear Breathe,
I had a really intense transference reaction with a T. - in retrospect, he meant very well, but did not know how to set appropriate boundaries - and the transference was too strong on both sides. As Stormyangels said, it feels really good at first - but believe me, it could become REALLY damaging. I am still recovering from the damage three years later. Transference releases some really powerful and painful emotions, and needs to be handled very carefully. Please be careful. It sounds like it would be a wise decision to move on.

[ClaireB]

Breathe, I just read your post. These are not easy decisions. If you ever need to talk, email me any time. You will definitely be in my thoughts. You are not alone.

[(JD)]

It is a common thing to push away the very person who can help us. You should not be worrying about your T and his health or involvement in your therapy issues, that's for him to maintain.

Try and reevaluate the true situation: does he do anything that is out of line, across the ethical guideline? does he say or ask anything you feel is untoward, and does he not stop asking or pursuing even after you've told him to? is he intruding into your personal life, at your home or work, by calling or writing inappropriate things to you? I realize there are some ppl who shouldn't be counseling others, but is your T really one of them?

It can be difficult to understand boundaries if your life prior to therapy had no boundaries or ones that always "moved." I don't know your situation. Does the T have a partner or someone you can inquire about his methods?

Discuss these things with your T. Ask him to state where the boundaries are, and give him the opportunity to show you and even readjust them, should you need stronger ones.

Don't just push him away. Being afraid of someone who knows so much, who can hurt or crush you (you feel) with his very words or actions... well, that's ok, it probably kept you safe in the past. But being afraid of someone who is there to help you, truly, and someone you have given trust to, won't help you work through this. The T needs to model good behavior, and as you become afraid, help you work through it to see that there are ppl in the world who are safe.