[PinkFlamingo99]

In therapy lately we've been talking about how I have a tendency to be paranoid and think people don't like me or are talking about me. Also that I think people are mad at me when they aren't. I'm really sensitive to shifts in mood but I don't interpret them properly and I end up panicking because I think things are worse than they are. When I sellf- harm I always think my therapist is going to give up on me, or I feel her concern for my safety as frustration so I constantly ask for reassurance or want to hear that it's okay, nothing changed, she's still not going to leave. I do this in other close relationships, especially with people who make me feel safe and cared for.

I met with my pastor yesterday (we're close and she's been a huge support for a long time) and I ended up telling her how bad the self-harm had gotten and showed her the scar from the last time (it's really bad and I think she was shocked). I asked her a bunch of times if she was mad at me because she seemed mad (this is kind of a huge issue of mine), and she keot saying she was just sad and worried because I seem so fragile and unable to care for myself, and then this looked like I was really in danger. She also said she thought "we" were past this and she doesn't get why I started again. It also hurt my feelings a bit that she said I should have been hospitalized whether I wanted to or not. On one hand, I know she said those things out of worry and love, but I'm having such a hard time sitting with the unease and discomfort nagging at me that she's mad at me. She has a daughter the same age as me with depression too and I know that always goes through her head. She said she wasn't mad, just worried because she cares, but I feel so uneasy. Still I know this is my issue that I always think people are mad. Still though, I can't stop feeling worried and scared that she is mad or that she will stop caring because I'm too messed up. I love her and I don't want to lose her. I know it's also hard for her to see this because it's not like she works in mental health and sees it a lot. So it's hard for her to see, especially since I know she loves me.

I had another full evaluation and they don't think I have borderline personality disorder but that I have certain traits of it that are very strong (basically the urge to self-harm and huge abandonment fears). I also have bad social anxiety leading to the social anxiety paranoia type problems and of course severe chronic depression, and I guess they kind of all mingle to make these situations the absolute hardest for me. I can't stop obsessing about it and the feelings I was getting off her.

I see my pdoc tomorrow, I'm hoping so hard he will give me a benzo. I wish I had therapy sooner, I hate holding all this. I'm trying to stop the ruminating but it's so hard.

[SkyscraperMeow]

This is probably all the wrong thing to say, but my gut reaction to this question is: who gives a toss if people are mad? And my next reaction is: let people be mad, already!

For 1. being mad is a natural human reaction to a lot of things. Someone being mad at you usually means they care enough about you to have a feeling one way or another. People who don't care, don't get mad. It takes a really Zen enlightened person to never, ever be mad at someone they care about, which brings me to point #2.

2. By constantly asking people if they're mad at you, you're really trying to suppress their expression of madness. You have no idea how they actually feel, because you're telegraphing really strongly 'you are not allowed to be mad at me, I can't handle it'.

3. People probably are mad at you sometimes, and guess what? They get over it. They get over it and they don't leave you. But you might not be aware of this because you're not allowing them to express their anger in the first place, so you don't even know when you've been forgiven something.

People get mad at their cats sometimes, or their cars, people spend a lot of time mad at their spouses. Being annoyed or even angry is a natural part of life, as long as they aren't being abusive or cruel about it, you've nothing to fear.

[LonesomeTonight]

I understand because I have similar issues with fearing abandonment (don't think I realized this until the past year or so in therapy) and worrying that people are mad at me or frustrated with me or that I'm annoying them. Lately, this has come out in fear of abandonment by my marriage counselor and my T. I think part of it comes from my parents kind of suppressing their emotions and never arguing, rarely crying in front of me, etc. So it was hard for me to know how they were actually feeling, meaning I had to rely on things like tone of voice, facial expression, etc. And they (both parents) like the few times I made my mom angry or hurt (I was a teenager--it was my job!) were this awful thing that I should feel bad about.

Plus, like you, I'm very sensitive to people's moods and can read that in them. I've recently read that this makes us "highly sensitive people." (There are books about it that I need to read.) The problem is that I can sense, for example, that my husband is in a bad mood and automatically assume it's because of something I did. When often, it's about work or his mother or something else unrelated to me. Or I'll often interpret e-mails or comments in the most negative possible light, like stuff from my friends or my T or marriage counselor. If someone doesn't respond to my e-mail, I figure they don't want to talk to me, when really they were probably just busy.

So, you're not alone in feeling this way. Unfortunately, I can't really say anything to help because this is something I'm working on now too.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am also a very sensitive person and I worry a lot about people being mad at me and being abandoned by people that mean so much to me. What has helped me is to just have faith that people wont just abandon you and that not everyone that is mad, is mad at you. It doesn't always work and its not easy to change your thinking.

I think this would be a great topic to bring up in your therapy and maybe your T can help you with this. I wish you the best!

[PinkFlamingo99]

Will answer in more detail later since I'm at work, but I think part of the reason why this is so so hard is because i'm still having a really hard time with the way things ended with my ex-T. I felt her attitude changing to indifference just before it happened and I couldn't stop it.

I actually did just start talking about this in therapy but will definitely talk about it next week because it's such a painful issue for me.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone, I know my fear of people being mad at me is a bit ridiculous but it's such a huge issue for me.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I understand because I have similar issues with fearing abandonment (don't think I realized this until the past year or so in therapy) and worrying that people are mad at me or frustrated with me or that I'm annoying them. Lately, this has come out in fear of abandonment by my marriage counselor and my T. I think part of it comes from my parents kind of suppressing their emotions and never arguing, rarely crying in front of me, etc. So it was hard for me to know how they were actually feeling, meaning I had to rely on things like tone of voice, facial expression, etc. And they (both parents) like the few times I made my mom angry or hurt (I was a teenager--it was my job!) were this awful thing that I should feel bad about.

Plus, like you, I'm very sensitive to people's moods and can read that in them. I've recently read that this makes us "highly sensitive people." (There are books about it that I need to read.) The problem is that I can sense, for example, that my husband is in a bad mood and automatically assume it's because of something I did. When often, it's about work or his mother or something else unrelated to me. Or I'll often interpret e-mails or comments in the most negative possible light, like stuff from my friends or my T or marriage counselor. If someone doesn't respond to my e-mail, I figure they don't want to talk to me, when really they were probably just busy.

So, you're not alone in feeling this way. Unfortunately, I can't really say anything to help because this is something I'm working on now too.

I so can relate/get all this. I'm the same. The current T says I'm really good at recognizing shifts or negative emotions in people but not good at reading what those emotions are -- and it's so true because I always read it as someone being mad at me or that I hurt somebody's feelings.

I grew up in a similar environment where nobody yelled but it wouldn't take much at all for my mother to guilt-trip me, put me down, and then ice me out and give me the silent treatment for days. I'm so hyperaware of "danger signs" that when I feel any negagive shift in emotion, I panic and get afraid of being abandoned. Actually this is probably the most painful thing in my life. It's made worse by the fact that I know constant reassurance seeking is annoying but it's such a strong urge. I do it over and over with my therapist and we're working on it.

I think we have a lot of similar issues.