hey.
just kinda checking in...
been a hectic few days.
had a conference. hectic. little sleep finishing off my paper. my friend who has anorexia (and who politely declines treatment / intervention) was finally persuaded to go to hospital.

with two hours sleep... went to therapy. light-ish, i guess. 'cause i had conference that afternoon. talked about... hard to remember since i was sleep deprived and didn't get a chance to process it much afterwards. helplessness about my friend. helplessness seems to be a theme. feelings of helplessness. inability to help. in the face of the helplessness... avoidance.

i told him about this trouble i have in seminars / conferences. performance anxiety. he wrote me a script for some beta-blockers. was very matter of fact about it. said he had taken them before for exams and that they can work really very well. that lots of people get it etc. seemed surprised i didn't know about them (i don't - i've never mentioned this problem to anyone before and it only became so problematic over the last year). it was nice. for him, i guess... but for me too. he was the expert. he could give me something that was very likely to help me. unlikely to harm me. had to trade his handwriting for the prescription... but its kinda nice to have some... urm... thing. that he has given me. in a funny kind of way. transitional object or something.

conference went well but we came back early because my friend fell into a coma. came out of it but it was touch and go for a few hours.

it is hard to give probabilities... but he could die. in the very immediate future. that didn't really sink in for me until last night. he could die. even if he comes through this medical emergency... he could still die. he is very sick. issues of major organ failure and the like. very serious. i feel a bit bad that i didn't do more for him with respect to trying to get him assistance, but i feel really very grateful that he is receiving treatment now and that they are taking it very seriously indeed.

i feel his pain. in a funny kind of way. as much as another human being can understand someones pain. i remember what it was like to feel such immense pain every day. to just want to die because one wants the pain to stop. to rack ones brain for a palatable (so to speak) way of effecting that. to do what it is that one can palate. i understand that much. not that starvation was my thing, but i understand that much.

of course there is a question on the chain of causation... but... i can empathise with how he feels about it at the moment, i guess.

stupid doctors. telling him he needs to eat or he will die. isn't it obvious that that is the point? stupid doctors. telling him he needs to eat fat to put on weight. you think he doesn't know that? he doesn't want to put on weight he wants to die. the things people say...

it is just not understanding, i guess. general medical staff not equipped... the psychiatrists involved in his care seem competent and nice. i'm so glad for that. so very glad.

i have therapy tomorrow... fairly fired up at this point about my thesis. thank god. supervisor is back briefly... done the social interaction thing with the dept (been isolating myself for the past couple months). lots of really nice people. need to focus on my work and on cultivating friendships with the people there. at this point, all fired up.

anything to distract from the pain...

what to talk about tomorrow...

i think i can be vulnerable with him tomorrow. i think i can.

i love my t. he is... safe. warm. i told him that sometimes part of me wished he could hold me. he was okay with that. he was ok. he feels safe. i love my t.

freewill

sounds like alot is going on. Stay safe, alexandra

[sunrise]

Thanks for checking in, alex.

I'm glad you feel so close to your T. Sometimes it's nice to have those "lightish" sessions on occasion.

I'm sorry about your friend. I hope things look up for him.

[Gemstone]

I hope your friend starts to do better now that he is in the hospital. Anorexia is an awful illness to watch or live with.

(((( Hugs ))))

[MissCharlotte]

(((((Alexandra)))))

So glad you checked in. Sometimes those sessions when we are sleep or otherwise feelng "deprived" have a way of giving us time with T in a "naked" way--in that we might not have the energy to employ all of our defenses. I have found that those sessions that feel light on the surface are anything but light when a few days have elapsed and I have had more time to integrate the therapy.

So sorry for your friend. I will keep hiim (and you) in my prayers.

Cheers.

[SecretGarden]

Hey Alexandra... I have noticed you have not been about lately. You do sound like your dance card is or has been beyond full. I am sorry for your loss. Take care of you... See you soon I hope.