Wednesday was the 1st time I co-facillitated a group, rather than just observing. It was on the mood disorders unit. After the group was over, the therapist that I work with on Wednesdays told me that I have a natural ability to draw the honesty and authenticity out of people. A natural ability. WHOOHOOOO. Haha... BUT I LOVE WHAT I AM DOING.

Today, T said that I have found a connection to something. He seems really happy about that. He looks so happy when I describe it. I think it is because he can see how happy I am when I talk about it. He encourages me to talk about it a lot.

Today he said, "Tell me about your internship." And I replied, "Well, what do you want to know?" And he said, "Everything." My God. I loved that. Talk about the little things that Yalom says mean a lot to us. That meant the world to me. I have to remember next week, to let him know how significant that was for me.

It was strange having therapy on a Saturday. At 3:30. You know what's even stranger? Next week it's going to be on Saturday at 7 PM. He has another conference on Friday.

I told him about a dream I had. In the dream, he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He was explaining to me why he wasn't wearing it, but I couldn't hear anything he said. No sound was coming out of his mouth.

I told him how difficult it is for me to talk about that. Because it involves "the A-word," as he named it. (He knows I have trouble with the word attachment at this point, so doesn't force it on me, lol).

Then I told him how easy it has become for me to get angry at him, rather than having to face the "other emotions" of transference. He was like, "Ohhhh, other emotions? And which emotions are these?" There was no way I was ready to talk about them. I had acknowledged that they exists, and that was enough for me today. We talked about why it is so hard for me to talk about those emotions with him. But I wasn't ready to actually explore them yet. I told him that I'm sure it wasn't a suprise for him to learn that there are a mess of intense emotions within my transference for him-- that he has to be aware of this. He agreed.

See, I never actually told him any details... I eluded to them, but very indirectly. I mean, this whole thing is in referral to the whole erotic transference thing, hating his wedding ring, hating his wife, all of that... Hahaha, I just had this horrifying thought that we are on completely different pages... Imagine that he really has no idea what I was talking about? And when I finally get around to talking about it, I will go into it with the premise that he has seen it coming all along... and when I finally do, he's like... what the %#@&#! is she talking about??

Therapy is hard. And he looked really good today. %#@&#! wedding ring. %#@&#! transference. lol...

[SecretGarden]

A is also for Adultery... I suppose that was my thought. Perhaps of interest or killing the wife off.... lol... or having her vanish. (You know .... fantasy.)

I am sure he knows what you are thinking and he could be enjoying it. One of the perks of the profession.

I did think it was interesting that you were having therapy today. Wow. Cool.

I am so so so glad that you are having a wonderful time in your work. I love group work but I was a participant. After a while it may be interesting to see what each of the people bring out in each other.

I think you are doing great and I am glad for you. Hurrah.... ! :-)

Thanks Secret... I sincerely hope that he knows what I'm talking about.

Oh my God, that is so embarrassing. He knows what I am talking about. Forget it, there is no way I'm going back next week.

Sorry, lol, it just totally struck me that he probably does know. I mean, obviously not everything.... he's not a mind-reader... but still. Oh, how awful. lol...

Yesterday, he asked, "How can I help you talk about these feelings?" And I'm like, "Uh... you could leave the room."

[SecretGarden]

lol... you could leave the room....

I did have a time that I started to talk of s*e*x and suggested that I might wish my pdoc at that time to allow me to turn my chair to the wall. LOL. He offered but I survived without doing that.

Good luck... I know you can do it. :-)

[Perna]

I loved it when my T use to light up when I lit up :-) It makes me think of a "self-fulfilling prophecy" or something, LOL. I'm ready glad your work is going well and they love you there, too.

[sunrise]

pinksoil, that is so wonderful you are doing so well and finding such gratification in your internship. You were born to be a T! Doesn't it feel great to be doing something you are good at and that is perfect for you?

When I read the "A-word", the first thing that came to mind was a**hole. I guess we all have different "A words."

pinksoil, your T knows all about your other transference emotions. He knows. What is your main motivation in wanting to discuss them with him? To build your therapeutic alliance? To just get them off your chest? To be honest?

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And he looked really good today.

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Man, don't you hate it when they look good? One day my T wore a yellow shirt that I had never seen before. Yellow! He looked great. Who looks good in yellow? I don't even like the color yellow much. It was all I could do to keep from telling him he looked great in that shirt.

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"Uh... you could leave the room."

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Or maybe you could just lie on the couch and he could sit behind you so you couldn't see him. That would be kind of like his leaving the room.

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
After the group was over, the therapist that I work with on Wednesdays told me that I have a natural ability to draw the honesty and authenticity out of people. A natural ability. WHOOHOOOO. Haha... BUT I LOVE WHAT I AM DOING.

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Pink that is great news! I'm not surprised though, you do have the draw out ability. You've done it on here at PC...

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pinksoil said:
Today, T said that I have found a connection to something. He seems really happy about that. He looks so happy when I describe it. I think it is because he can see how happy I am when I talk about it. He encourages me to talk about it a lot.

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I agree! I can feel the happiness from you.

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pinksoil said:
It was strange having therapy on a Saturday. At 3:30. You know what's even stranger? Next week it's going to be on Saturday at 7 PM. He has another conference on Friday.

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I would be like 'and I'll bring the martinis'...That is what 7pm says to me but that is just my hysterical side coming out.

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pinksoil said:
I told him about a dream I had. In the dream, he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He was explaining to me why he wasn't wearing it, but I couldn't hear anything he said. No sound was coming out of his mouth.

I told him how difficult it is for me to talk about that. Because it involves "the A-word," as he named it. (He knows I have trouble with the word attachment at this point, so doesn't force it on me, lol).

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Very good and very assertive. You sound like me when I tell T the same about the word transference. One time he said, 'I know, if I say that word you're going to hit me'...and we both laughed. I love his sense of humor.

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pinksoil said:
Then I told him how easy it has become for me to get angry at him, rather than having to face the "other emotions" of transference. He was like, "Ohhhh, other emotions? And which emotions are these?" There was no way I was ready to talk about them. I had acknowledged that they exists, and that was enough for me today. We talked about why it is so hard for me to talk about those emotions with him. But I wasn't ready to actually explore them yet. I told him that I'm sure it wasn't a suprise for him to learn that there are a mess of intense emotions within my transference for him-- that he has to be aware of this. He agreed.

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I hate to be the one to say this but I think he probably already know Pink. I like to think that when I dance around topics with my T that he has no clue what I'm talking about. They get the clues in what we say but my T and your T handle the responses differently. Yours waits for you to go there and makes you feel okay along the way. Mine would never ask me what emotions I have about him. I just know he wouldn't...

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pinksoil said:
Therapy is hard. And he looked really good today. %#@&#! wedding ring. %#@&#! transference. lol...

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Therapy is so hard but thanks to you advising me to read McWilliams, it is becoming so much more clear. I'm wondering if I should share what I'm learning from her with my T? I wonder it'll make him feel bad...who knows.