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  #1  
Old Nov 20, 2015, 11:56 PM
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So what I mean by dismissed is the way we ended our session. It ended with a serious, slightly annoyed " it's time to go, 1step". Now I get that to some it wouldn't be a big deal. But we NEVER end like that. When she reminds me that our time is up its always " I have to let you go now" in a very calm nice manner or a warm " we have to stop now". But the look on her face and her serious tone made me extremely uncomfortable, I felt dismissed and disrespected. I should back up a bit and say there was no confrontation or conflict between us during my session. I did discuss my ex,that I'm thinking about getting together with her and I know my T doesn't think it would be kind to my ex because her feelings are still very deep. My T looked at the time 2x. I asked her at the end if she was bored... I don't think she liked that. My T has always told me to be as open and honest with her as I could, so that's exactly what I did . It was right after that when she told me very bluntly "it's time to go, -----".
I emailed her, explained that what she said felt very dismissive and made me uncomfortable and that although my childhood experiences may have influenced my reaction, I felt that because she has never spoken to me like that I had a negative reaction. Has anyone gone through an experience similar to this?
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  #2  
Old Nov 20, 2015, 11:58 PM
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I haven't. But I can understand how it would hurt.
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  #3  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by FireIsland123 View Post
I haven't. But I can understand how it would hurt.
I think in that moment I felt super uncomfortable , maybe a little embarrassed. My feelings are more anger than hurt, although I'm sure it's intertwined with the anger. It's kind of like I want to say" f*** you,T". Who knows maybe that's why she did it... to piss me off. At times I feel like therapy is a big mind f***!!
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  #4  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 12:34 AM
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I can really hear your hurt and anger 1step (hug).
I would feel dismissed and hurt too, I am curious to know how your t will respond. Your past may have influenced your feelings but she still dismissed you in a hurtful way. It's hard to know what was going on for your t that day, perhaps your session ran over time and she had another client waiting or perhaps she was tired and stressed, either way it was your time and speaking to you like that when you are paying her is highly disrespectful.
I hope that she understands how you feel and encourages you to express how you feel and to get those f*** yous out. I think it would be very therapeutic

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  #5  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 04:47 AM
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Even if your childhood had been all jelly beans, bouncy castles and never ending nurturing care, telling someone 'It's time to go, Bob' in curt tones is rude. Sometimes I think therapy clients are overly encouraged to relate their responses to trauma, when it has nothing to do with that. Sometimes a stick is a stick and a rude way to end a session is a rude way to end a session.
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  #6  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 05:50 AM
justdesserts justdesserts is offline
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I think sometimes, I am extra-sensitive to my therapist's tone and words when I have just been vulnerable and opened myself up. When I talk to my t about it, he can hardly registered with him because when he was ending therapy with me, he was ready to go. My t has always been very apologetic and has promised, and kept his promise, to be more attuned to closing the session..
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  #7  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 09:59 AM
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I think your T was rude and dismissive and I don't understand why. Maybe she didn't like you asking if she was bored . I think you made a wise decision emailing her telling her how you're feeling regarding this and I hope she responds in a useful and therapeutic manner. (sorry if this response sounds chilly, I had a T who was often rude and cold )
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  #8  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 10:02 AM
Anonymous43207
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I'm sorry that happened and I would be hurt too. I'm glad you emailed her about it and i hope you can talk about it usefully. oh and even if she didn't like you asking if she was bored, she should not have reacted that way - t's are supposed to keep 'their stuff' out of our sessions.
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  #9  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 11:50 AM
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Ouch. Sorry that happened to you.
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  #10  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 12:15 PM
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I think I would have told the woman she does not get to dismiss me.
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  #11  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by monalisasmile View Post
I can really hear your hurt and anger 1step (hug).
I would feel dismissed and hurt too, I am curious to know how your t will respond. Your past may have influenced your feelings but she still dismissed you in a hurtful way. It's hard to know what was going on for your t that day, perhaps your session ran over time and she had another client waiting or perhaps she was tired and stressed, either way it was your time and speaking to you like that when you are paying her is highly disrespectful.
I hope that she understands how you feel and encourages you to express how you feel and to get those f*** yous out. I think it would be very therapeutic

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Hi Mona... Long time!! Thanks for your response... Yeah, I thought it was really rude and unnecessary . My session ended right on time and there was nobody waiting on her when I left. Honestly, now that I've had time to process it I really believe that she let her own "stuff" interfere although I have no idea what her stuff was. I emailed her and got no response ... She usually does respond. Im not emailing her again and I'll see her in about a week and a half, I'm sure it will come up😮 Have a great weekend !!
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  #12  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 01:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow View Post
Even if your childhood had been all jelly beans, bouncy castles and never ending nurturing care, telling someone 'It's time to go, Bob' in curt tones is rude. Sometimes I think therapy clients are overly encouraged to relate their responses to trauma, when it has nothing to do with that. Sometimes a stick is a stick and a rude way to end a session is a rude way to end a session.
Amen and thank you! Her rudeness does not get a pass just because I'm in therapy for my own stuff... Clearly she was rude and that's all there is to it.. Thanks again!
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  #13  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by artemis-within View Post
I'm sorry that happened and I would be hurt too. I'm glad you emailed her about it and i hope you can talk about it usefully. oh and even if she didn't like you asking if she was bored, she should not have reacted that way - t's are supposed to keep 'their stuff' out of our sessions.
Exactly... Whatever the hell she had going on that day she should have checked herself and left it at the door .. Thanks😄
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  #14  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
I think I would have told the woman she does not get to dismiss me.
That's right, I should have... Of course I never think of the perfect thing to say in that moment 🤔
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  #15  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 03:05 PM
NYC78 NYC78 is offline
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I am sorry about your experience and I can relate to this feelings, they run very deep inside and come from a very young place. Oh **** "I have done something wrong" or similar and it gives us a message we want to be treated soft with compassion.

I have experienced very painfully that therapist are only humans and sometimes are snappy in what they say.

Fo instance my therapist (psychodynamic) would never say sorry for such behaviour instead she would listening and want to know where the feelings are coming from.
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  #16  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by NYC78 View Post
I am sorry about your experience and I can relate to this feelings, they run very deep inside and come from a very young place. Oh **** "I have done something wrong" or similar and it gives us a message we want to be treated soft with compassion.

I have experienced very painfully that therapist are only humans and sometimes are snappy in what they say.

Fo instance my therapist (psychodynamic) would never say sorry for such behaviour instead she would listening and want to know where the feelings are coming from.
No matter where my feelings came from I responded in a way that is appropriate. It's quite simple... The therapist was rude, I had a reaction which I feel was completely normal and warranted. My t is also psychodynamic in her practice so because relationship is very crucial I think she should own her blunder which would repair this issue.
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Old Nov 21, 2015, 07:43 PM
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Seems like incidents like this are a test of the relationship's legitimacy. Either small ruptures are confronted directly and honestly and repaired, or they start piling up and trust deteriorates. No response to the email would fill me with doubt.

That's a pretty shaming thing she said. Hopefully she owns up to it. Good luck.
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  #18  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 09:24 PM
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Seems like incidents like this are a test of the relationship's legitimacy. Either small ruptures are confronted directly and honestly and repaired, or they start piling up and trust deteriorates. No response to the email would fill me with doubt.

That's a pretty shaming thing she said. Hopefully she owns up to it. Good luck.
I think that BudFox has hit the post on the nose! You mentioned that you talked about "getting back" with a former partner, and that you knew that your therapist is not supportive of this course of action. She has a right to disagree with you, BUT as a therapist, she does NOT get to let that judgment influence her interaction with you! It's fine for her to question, prop, talk about, discuss, push you to examine and talk about why you are considering this action, interpret, speculate with you what this issue means in the whole scheme of things for you etc. What it doesn't get her is an opportunity to get "pissy", angry, upset, disapproving, rejecting or judgmental or even to shut things down and send you away because she can't stand to talk about it with you. She is a professional you are paying to provide a valued service and when she allows her own issues to impinge upon that relationship, she's failing in her duty as a therapist. She needs to take her own personal feelings, hold them close to herself and deal with them OUTSIDE the therapy session because those feelings are ABOUT HER! You are entitled to come to your own conclusion of what your own thoughts and beliefs are in this situation.

Yes, I do agree with you that her comment about leaving was dismissive. I truly hope you're able to bring it up with her and talk about how it felt to you when she said them. I feel in those situations that the therapist's response to your comment/criticism is very telling about how strong they are as a therapist. If they are unable to accept and hear what you have to say, then I believe that they are struggling as a therapist. They have no real understanding or grasp of recognizing their own vulnerability in the therapeutic relationship. Their ego gets in the way of your healing. I hope she was just having an off day.
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  #19  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 10:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BudFox View Post
Seems like incidents like this are a test of the relationship's legitimacy. Either small ruptures are confronted directly and honestly and repaired, or they start piling up and trust deteriorates. No response to the email would fill me with doubt.

That's a pretty shaming thing she said. Hopefully she owns up to it. Good luck.
Exactly, the fact that she has not responded makes me question our relationship. Typically she responds to my emails , especially when I am upset about something that occurred during the session. The fact that she didn't respond makes it hard to trust her . I emailed her again today ...I layed it on the line and told her that I thought she was rude. Again , no response . Who knows ...
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  #20  
Old Nov 21, 2015, 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaybird57 View Post
I think that BudFox has hit the post on the nose! You mentioned that you talked about "getting back" with a former partner, and that you knew that your therapist is not supportive of this course of action. She has a right to disagree with you, BUT as a therapist, she does NOT get to let that judgment influence her interaction with you! It's fine for her to question, prop, talk about, discuss, push you to examine and talk about why you are considering this action, interpret, speculate with you what this issue means in the whole scheme of things for you etc. What it doesn't get her is an opportunity to get "pissy", angry, upset, disapproving, rejecting or judgmental or even to shut things down and send you away because she can't stand to talk about it with you. She is a professional you are paying to provide a valued service and when she allows her own issues to impinge upon that relationship, she's failing in her duty as a therapist. She needs to take her own personal feelings, hold them close to herself and deal with them OUTSIDE the therapy session because those feelings are ABOUT HER! You are entitled to come to your own conclusion of what your own thoughts and beliefs are in this situation.

Yes, I do agree with you that her comment about leaving was dismissive. I truly hope you're able to bring it up with her and talk about how it felt to you when she said them. I feel in those situations that the therapist's response to your comment/criticism is very telling about how strong they are as a therapist. If they are unable to accept and hear what you have to say, then I believe that they are struggling as a therapist. They have no real understanding or grasp of recognizing their own vulnerability in the therapeutic relationship. Their ego gets in the way of your healing. I hope she was just having an off day.
I sincerely hope that she was having an off day too. Honestly I think that she gets tired of hearing about my relationship with my ex. I think it bores her. I could be wrong but I tend to think that . What really makes me question our relationship is that she has not emailed me back. Usually she will, almost every time...ESPECIALLY when there has been a rupture or some sort of issue. I'm glad we don't meet this week due to Thsnksgiving but we will meet the following Tuesday, I won't hold back. I'm not one to yell or cry (wish I could cry sometimes) but I intend on telling her that she needs to own her sh**. Never mind "how does that make you feel" or "where are you feeling that in your body". Nope...not playing into that! Anyways... Thank you for your words
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  #21  
Old Nov 22, 2015, 03:06 AM
NYC78 NYC78 is offline
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Originally Posted by 1stepatatime View Post
No matter where my feelings came from I responded in a way that is appropriate. It's quite simple... The therapist was rude, I had a reaction which I feel was completely normal and warranted. My t is also psychodynamic in her practice so because relationship is very crucial I think she should own her blunder which would repair this issue.
You are right, the relationship is crucial and you are right she should have her **** together. What I am trying to say is that from a psychodynamic trained therapist there is not much to expect versus someone perhaps who is trained in a humanistic approach, because the goals are different. I have tried to reason my therapist's behaviour and waited for an "sorry" which never happened and it might never happen with yours.

Many hugs I know and can relate how much this hurts

Last edited by NYC78; Nov 22, 2015 at 04:12 AM.
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  #22  
Old Nov 22, 2015, 10:56 AM
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You are right, the relationship is crucial and you are right she should have her **** together. What I am trying to say is that from a psychodynamic trained therapist there is not much to expect versus someone perhaps who is trained in a humanistic approach, because the goals are different. I have tried to reason my therapist's behaviour and waited for an "sorry" which never happened and it might never happen with yours.

Many hugs I know and can relate how much this hurts
Thanks for your response, what makes this worse is that she hasn't responded to my email. Normally she will. I'm not sure if I can continue to work with her if she can't explain herself or offer me a sincere apology. It seems wrong for her not to apologize, no matter what theory she practices in counseling. We'll see what happens when we meet next.
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  #23  
Old Nov 22, 2015, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaybird57 View Post
I feel in those situations that the therapist's response to your comment/criticism is very telling about how strong they are as a therapist. If they are unable to accept and hear what you have to say, then I believe that they are struggling as a therapist. They have no real understanding or grasp of recognizing their own vulnerability in the therapeutic relationship. Their ego gets in the way of your healing. I hope she was just having an off day.
I agree about the therapist vulnerability thing. Big part of why therapy fell apart for me last year was due to T's inability to see how her own needs and vulnerabilities were influencing the process. And if their wounds and defenses get triggered a big way, and they start protecting their own needs over yours, that is a monumental betrayal. At times I had to wonder who was getting therapy.

Seems self awareness and humility are prerequisites for being a T. WIthout those qualities, the whole thing is a farce.
Thanks for this!
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  #24  
Old Nov 22, 2015, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by BudFox View Post
I agree about the therapist vulnerability thing. Big part of why therapy fell apart for me last year was due to T's inability to see how her own needs and vulnerabilities were influencing the process. And if their wounds and defenses get triggered a big way, and they start protecting their own needs over yours, that is a monumental betrayal. At times I had to wonder who was getting therapy.

Seems self awareness and humility are prerequisites for being a T. WIthout those qualities, the whole thing is a farce.
😬Thank you, I truly appreciate all of the feedback, it amazes me how in touch everyone is with their feelings and how completely knowledgeable they are of the therapeutic process! I honestly think that WE may be better for one another on some occasions... The support here is great, thank you again for your insight 😊😊
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"I wish you would step back from
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That you've been living in"
Thanks for this!
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  #25  
Old Nov 22, 2015, 08:28 PM
Anonymous37831
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BudFox had an excellent response.
Personally, as a nurse I can tell you we are human.
Somtimes patients get on our nerves. We cannot be robots. Yes we should check our feelings at the door, but sometimes that is hard.
I also find apologies to be unnecessary as much as people want them.
The future actions of the therapist will determine where this came from.
I tell my children to pick their battles.
I can tell that this has bothered you very much, and that is unfortunate. I can say my therapist always seemed bored, and it turned out that he was on antidepressant medication that made him very tired. He really wasn't bored.
Maybe your therapist has something serious going on that just was impossible to put aside. No matter if it is a therapist or not, everyone has their own struggles. It is a sign of growing from therapy when you are able to show empathy for others struggles and expect less than perfection.
I used to be an educator at a community college. I enjoyed it very much, but the scrutiny you face from students can be overwhelming. They analyze everything you do from what you wear to if you wash your hands long enough. I found it to be too much at times. I just wanted to be helpful to their learning, but I had to remember I was a role model. I guess I am rambling with my own experience, but I am just trying to say we are all human. You deserve to be treated with respect, and I don't want you to think I dismiss your concerns. However, I just think that maybe you need to step back.
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